Santa Lechuga Power League:

The Best Damn Fantasy Baseball League In the Universe! (Yes. Universe.)

MLB

Yes, Virginia, Santa Lechuga '14 Does Exist

Right off the bat, apologies to all of you who have reached out to us via e-mail, text, Facebook, snail mail, voice mail, cursing, and your other preferred communications methods to ask if there was going to be a Santa Lechuga season this year. No excuses. I mean, sure we have excuses that include tequila benders, time spent in drunk tanks, trips to Mexico to evade unhappy exes, time spent in Tijuana jails, time spent trying to bribe our way out of Tijuana jails, long journeys home on mechanically-challenged buses, and more tequila benders, but none of those excuses actually excuse our ignoring your messages. Sorry about that.

Anyway, it was clear from your messages that each of you want fantasy baseball and you want it now!

Sorry. Can't do it.

I mean, we can't do it now, even if the MLB has turned its world upside down by playing two games in Australia today. Instead, officially, we are going to give you the best damn fantasy baseball league in the universe beginning when regular season games are played on good ol' 'murican soil on good ol' 'murican Opening Day, which for us will be on Monday, March 31. This gives you a whole nine days to figure out your roster (ten hitters, five pitchers, and five life-challenged Hall-of-Famers) and send it to us using
this handy-dandy roster-submittin' form. (Yeah, we know ... that form says it's for '13, but we'll update it for the '14 soon enough. You can use the '13 version for now.) By the way, yes, today's Aussie stats will count toward the regular season.

Two more things: One, recruit! We need new owners. Badly. So, please, recruit! You have friends? Recruit one or two of them to join. You have kids? They should be in the league already! You have a significant other? You know what you need to do. You have colleagues? Get them in the league for water cooler chat that doesn't include a rundown of last night's Bachelor. We want a full-slate of 48 teams this year, so get to recruiting already!

And, two ... hmm ... I can't remember what two was. It was clear when I started typing the paragraph above; that's why I began that paragraph with "Two more things." But then two just evaporated into the ether. Must be the remnants of my latest tequila bender. Oh, well.

We hope you've all had a most-excellent off-season and we look forward to having you and your new recruits in the league in 2014!
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The Season *Never* Ends; Ralph Kiner Face Plants the Baked Eggplant

Here I was, lounging around and immensely enjoying my patented and most-welcomed off-season-long bender, when the texts and e-mails started streaming in. I haven’t heard a phone rumble like that since the ’79 earthquake, which also knocked the Virgin Mary off the shelf in my mom’s kitchen. (True story.) As I tried desperately to pull myself out of the fog of my alcohol stupor, I kept wondering why people would be trying to reach me so desperately during my patented and most-welcomed off-season-long bender. But as I reached for my phone, it suddenly occurred to me: A Hall-of-Famer must have died! I mean, outside of asking when their championship winnings will be delivered, that’s the only reason during the off-season that anyone tries to reach me.

And I was right!

Ralph Kiner did me the courtesy today of reminding me that I am still running a dopey little fantasy baseball league, even during the off-season, by up and dying after 91 long years on this planet. Deaths like this -- namely, of a Hall-of-Famer -- almost always causes one-third of the owners in this league to contact me immediately to celebrate the too-infrequent death of a Hall-of-Famer.

Though an HOFer died -- the first during the 2013 season and, wouldn’t you know, an off-season death -- not all the news was good. I couldn’t find my trusty spreadsheet. I couldn’t find my blogging file. Hell, I couldn’t even find my Tandy 2000 computer. What was I going to do? How was I going to notify the rest of the league that I got their messages? That HOF points were scored? That I was alive and still running this dopey league?

Fortunately, as the fog of inebriation cleared my head for the first time since the World Series ended, I remembered that I lent my computer to my ingrate of a cousin, Pedro, who has been trying to start up a lucrative Internet company that involves working with an African king to try to give away millions of dollars if only you’ll give him your bank account number. Further fortunately, Pedro was in a bit of his own stupor when I went to his house, so I stepped over him, unplugged my computer, and brought it home, which is where I am writing the good news that Ralph Kiner has done us the courtesy of awarding points towards the previously depleted Hall-of-Fame Death Pool.

Unfortunately,
Joe Livernois, owner of The Heart is a Lonely Hunter Pence, earned the most Kiner points, 95 total, 45 for the eggplant face plant, another 50 for hitting the Magic Number 6 dead-on, so to speak. We say “unfortunately” because Joe has already earned $375 this season for being the All-Star Champ, the Playoff Champ, and for winning the Pitching Champ monies. If he is crowned the HOF Death Pool -- 125 clams -- that would push him to $500, which is more than our Overall Champ and Regular Season Champs, Kevin Klinkhamer and Paul Martin, won, which just can’t happen. No one in this league can earn more than the Overall and Regular Season Champs. Fact. So, if Joe wins the HOF Death pool, we may have to take his Pitching Champ monies away and give them to Puck the Fackers owner Brendan Butts, who came in third place to Joe’s second place and Kevin’s first place. Or something. Several teams earned points for Ralph Kiner’s death, so maybe they can overtake Joe before the first pitch of the 2014 season. Let’s hope so. I have all my chips on Joe Morgan.

If you didn’t score points for Ralph Kiner’s death, don’t fret. There are still plenty of Hall-of-Famers who aren’t life challenged and there are an incalculable number of ways they can still face-plant the baked eggplant before the first pitch of the ’14 season. Fingers crossed!

Meanwhile, if you get an e-mail from Pedro telling you that he has this cool offer from a African king, please just ignore it.
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Final 2013 Champs and Money Winners Announced; Jim Cummings Cup Unveiled

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Longtime league owner Kevin Klinkhamer of Dongwhipped was crowned the 2013 SLPL Overall Champion Wednesday night after the Boston Red Sox finished off the St. Louis Cardinals in the World Series. “This is for 2006, suckas! And (Cameltowing, Inc. owner) David ‘Eddie’ Edison can get bent!” Kevin shouted during his champagne shower in the Dongwhipped locker room, referring to the fact that Eddie overtook Kevin during the 2006 World Series to win the 2006 SLPL Championship.

“I’m proud of this team. So proud,” Kevin said. “We couldn’t get a break to overtake (Cabbage Farmers owner)
Paul Martin the whole season, but we somehow found a way to break through the final week of the season. And when Paul moved into first during the playoffs, I just figured it was a repeat of Ought-Six and I would have to make due with Regular Season champ. But the ‘Whipped found a way to overtake him again during the World Series. Amazing, I tell you. Amazing.”

Commissioner
Rube Furrow was on hand to present Kevin his due accolades and unveil a new championship coffee mug. “Kevin, I’m proud to present you with the Jim Cummings Cup, named after the 2005 Overall Champ and recently-deceased Jim Cummings in honor of winning the Overall SLPL Championship,” Rube said. “Jim would have been excited to see how you won this championship, coming from behind in the Regular Season and again in the Playoffs to win both the Regular Season and Overall Championships. He loved a good competition and he would have been impressed by your performance this season.”

In addition to being crowned Overall Champ, with his win Kevin collects a cool four-hundred-and-fifty-five clams from
The Pot.

Cabbage Farmers owner Paul Martin, for coming in second during both the Regular Season and Overall standings, also won $455.

Meanwhile, The Heart is a Lonely Hunter Pence owner
Joe Livernois was crowned the Playoffs Champ after taking over the top spot just days before. With that win, Joe pulled $125 out of The Pot.

Here are all the official champs and final payouts for the 2013 season:

2013 Champs

End-of-Season Champs
Overall Champ: Kevin Klinkhamer, Dongwhipped
Playoff Champ: Joe Livernois, The Heart is a Lonely Hunter Pence

2013 Regular Season Champs
Regular Season Champ: Kevin Klinkhamer, Dongwhipped
Hitting Champ:
Paul Martin, Cabbage Farmers
Pitching Champ:
Kevin Klinkhamer, Dongwhipped
Power-Hitting Pitchers Champ:
Weston Livernois, Weston's Warriors
All-Star Champ:
Joe Livernois, The Heart is a Lonely Hunter Pence
Arugula Division Champ:
Dave Adrian, Cain I Lincecum in Ur Posey
Cripshead Division Champ:
Vince Livernois, Chente
Endive Division Champ:
Joe Kelly, Kershawshank Redemption
Frisee Division Champ:
Kevin Klinkhamer, Dongwhipped
Radicchio Division Champ:
Paul Martin, Cabbage Farmers
Romaine Division Champ:
Jeff Burns, Valley Bombers
Spinach Division Champ:
Kyle Harmon, Puigin' It Real!
Swiss Chard Division Champ:
Rick Coppock, Highlanders

2013 Final Payoffs
$455 - Kevin Klinkhamer, Dongwhipped - Overall Champ
$455 - Paul Martin, Cabbage Farmers - Regular Season Champ (a.k.a., next most deserving team for having won 2nd place both Overall and Regular Season, replaces Kevin Klinkhamer as money winner)

$375 - Joe Livernois, The Heart is a Lonely Hunter Pence - All-Star Champ + Playoff Champ + Pitching Champ (a.k.a., next most deserving team, replaces Kevin Klinkhamer as money winner)

$225 - Weston Livernois, Weston's Warriors - Power-Hitting Pitchers Champ + Division Champ (a.k.a., next most deserving PHP team, replaces Paul Martin as the money winner of Radicchio Division)
$225 - Joe Kelly, Kershawshank Redemption - Endive Division Champ + Hitting Champ (a.k.a., next most deserving team, replaces Kevin Klinkhamer and Paul Martin as the money winner)

$100 - Dave Adrian, Cain I Lincecum in Ur Posey - Arugula Division Champ
$100 - Vince Livernois, Chente - Cripshead Division Champ
$100 - Jeff Burns, Valley Bombers - Romaine Division Champ
$100 - Kyle Harmon, Puigin' It Real! - Spinach Division Runner-Up
$100 - Rick Coppock, Highlanders - Swiss Chard Division Champ
$100 - Tony Livernois, Pepino Monos - Division Champ (a.k.a., next most deserving Division team, replaces winner Kevin Klinkhamer as money winner of Frisee Division)

There's still one payout to be made for the 2013 season since we extend our
Hall-of-Fame Death Pool for each season until the beginning of the next season. This means that we will start next season by handing out a check to our final 2013 winner. No one currently leads 'cause no HOFers have expired this season, but we are really hoping to catch a few quality HOF deaths between now and the beginning of next season.

Congratulations to Kevin Klinkhamer and his Dongwhipped and congrats to all our 2013 champs and money winners. And thanks to all of you for joining us for a most-excellent season. We look forward to seeing you all next year.

Pedregoso

P.S. If you haven't paid your ownership and trade fees, get on it already! We need to cut some championship checks! (Check
Who Owes What to see what you owe. And if you've already paid and we haven't noted it, please let us know.) Send your check to:

Joe Livernois
459 Echo Valley Road
Salinas, CA 93907

If it's more convenient, you can pay your derelict debt using PayPal.

P.P.S. IMPORTANT MESSAGE TO ALL WINNERS: Please respond with your preferred snail mail address so Rube can send your check. But before you do that, check the Who Owes What page to see if you actually owe monies for trades even after winning. Many of our Division winners still own money.

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Kevin Klinkhamer Crowned 2013 Santa Lechuga Power League Overall Champ

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Dongwhipped owner Kevin Klinkhamer has won the 2013 Santa Lechuga Power League Overall Championship. The Heart is a Lonely Hunter Pence owner Joe Livernois has won the Playoff Championship. A full report, including more about Kevin celebrations and details on our final money winners, will come later Thursday.

In the meantime, congratulations to Kevin and Joe!

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Klinkhamer Extends Overall Lead; Joe Livernois Takes Lead In Playoffs Standings

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Kevin Klinkhamer, owner of Dongwhipped, added 100 points to his lead in the Overall Standings on Adam Wainwright’s 10 K performance Monday night. The Heart is a Lonely Hunter Pence owner Joe Livernois, meanwhile, took over 1st place in the Playoffs Standings. There may not be a lot of players left in the playoffs, but we are definitely getting some action in the standings from those who remain. Will things change again before the World Series is over? Stay tuned.


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Kevin Klinkhamer Moves Into First. Again.

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With last night’s action, our Regular Season Champ, Dongwhipped owner Kevin Klinkhamer, has moved back into first place, overtaking Cabbage Farmers owner Paul Martin. With the World Series tied up at two games apiece, there are at least two games left to be played, which could make things interesting, but right now Kevin is in position to be crowned Overall Champ, too, which would be quite a feat. Stay tuned.

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Nothing More Fun Than Listening To A Red Sox Fan Whine

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The umpires got the call right. But even if they didn’t, having them make the call in the first place is totally worth it because we get to listen to Red Sox fans cry and whine and stomp and act all Pedroia. Suck it, Red Sox fans.

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And You Call *Me* Irreverent?

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I have been called irreverent. More than once. More than once on major holidays. More than once by multiple people in the same hour. More than once by multiple people on a major holiday within the same hour within a single exchange.

They know me too well, I admit. I don’t always show “respect for people or things that are generally taken seriously,” which is a common definition of reverence.

I have my reasons. The biggest being that I don’t always agree with what others generally take seriously. So when I go all irreverent on someone’s Alpha, it’s because I don’t agree that the target of my ire should be taken seriously. My rule of thumb: Ridicule is an appropriate response to the ridiculous.

And until last night, I thought I was the master of irreverence. I’ve been told as much. More than once. By multiple people on a major holiday within the same hour within a single exchange.

Then last night happened.

I won’t give away the name so as to protect the irreverent, but here are just a few quotes from texts I received from one of my favorite people on earth, who also happens to be an SLPL owner, during last night’s World Series:

“Foxtrot Boston!”

“Why do I need to be reminded of a Foxtrotting tragedy?”

“I’m Foxtrotting trying to get my mind off serious Sierra over here.”

“Foxtrotting heroes!”

“Running 26 miles and you take a little shrapnel and I’m supposed to [redacted] you?”

And, finally: “I’m tired of seeing Pedroia’s facial tic.”

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is irreverence. I’m thinking about just conceding right here and now. I will
never be that good.

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Who Cares?

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The World Series has started and we could not care less. Don’t get us wrong. We care about the SLPL and how that will shake out, but we couldn’t care less about the World Series itself. If you’re like us, pay attention to the SLPL Overall Standings and our Playoffs Standings. And do your best to ignore Joe Buck and Tim McCarver.

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It's Going To Be A Low Scoring World Series

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It’s going to be a low scoring World Series. In the Santa Lechuga Power League. I don’t know what’s going to happen in the MLB, but for the SLPL points are going to be difficult to come by. With the Dodgers and Tigers out of the picture, the SLPL is left with just six total players participating int the Fall Classic: Mike Napoli, David Ortiz, Matt Adams, Carlos Beltran, Clay Buchholz, and Adam Wainwright. There are so few World Series players that many teams have no active players playing. But for those who do still have players, it will be interesting to see how things shake out in the Overall Standings and in the Playoffs Standings. Meanwhile, we are going dark until Wednesday night, the first game of the World Series, or first thing Thursday morning. This is for sure (unless something earthshaking happens and we want to comment on it) and not just a possibility. So there.

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Luvs Me Some Defense

2013 Postseason

Tip of the Ballcap to Cornborro T-Birds owner Brian Thornburg, who via Facebook passed along this video with the comment “Luvs me some defense … even Papi gives the props.”


With this Tip of the Ballcap, Brian re-ties Kevin Klinkhamer and moves into 2nd place with six Tips apiece. Jay Livernois is in 1st with seven Tips. Joe Kelley is in third place with five Tips. Vince Livernois is in 4th place with three Tips. Marcus Rochellle and league follower Missy (@missyisms) each have two Tips.

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Even Joe Buck Can't Take Tim McCarver Anymore

2013 Postseason

And just like that, on the power of Adrian Gonzalez’s two homers Wednesday night, Cabbage Farmers owner Paul Martin has re-taken 1st place in the Overall Standings. Props to Paul for the deft end-of-season trades, where he picked up Gonzalez using a free trade. The question, though, is whether or not he’ll be able to hold onto the top spot through the rest of the Division Series and an entire World Series.

Tip of the Ballcap to league leader, uber-Pearl Jam fan, and Dongwhipped owner Kevin Klinkhamer, who passed along this link and GIF while making this observation: “Even Joe Buck can't take Tim McCarver anymore...and that's saying something!”

buck-high-five

With this Tip of the Ballcap, Kevin moves into 2nd place all by himself with six Tips. Jay Livernois is in 1st with seven Tips. Brian Thornburg and Joe Kelley are in third place with five Tips apiece. Vince Livernois is in 4th place with three Tips. Marcus Rochellle and league follower Missy (@missyisms) each have two Tips.

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And Just Like That, Paul Martin's Back In 1st!

2013 Postseason

And just like that, on the power of Adrian Gonzalez’s two homers Wednesday night, Cabbage Farmers owner Paul Martin has re-taken 1st place in the Overall Standings. Props to Paul for the deft end-of-season trades, where he picked up Gonzalez using a free trade. The question, though, is whether or not he’ll be able to hold onto the top spot through the rest of the Division Series and an entire World Series.

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Not Dark, But We're Near Dark

2013 Postseason

Yes, we’re posting stats and standings during the playoffs while in North Carolina, but that’s pretty much it. So sue us.

We May Be Going Dark, Part Too Many

2013 Postseason

Come Tuesday morning, we may or may not be going dark again, depending on whether or not Charlotte, NC, has received the benefit of high speed Internet yet. We know the Carolinas have had problems working their way into the 19th century politically, but we don’t know if they lag that far technologically. If Charlotte is still trying to grapple with the advent of the telegraph or even the modem, the SLPL will be dark through Friday. We really hope that doesn’t happen.

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Kyle Harmon Making Real Run At Kevin Klinkhamer

2013 Postseason

Puigin' It Real! owner Kyle Harmon is making a real run at the Overall Standings and leads the Playoffs Standings by 81 points. Given their playoffs rosters, it should be interesting to see if Regular Season Champ Kevin Klinkhamer, owner of Dongwhipped, can fend off Kyle’s charge.

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Cubs Fans Finally Have 48 Reasons To Watch World Series

2013 Postseason

Tip of the Ballcap to league leader, uber-Pearl Jam fan, and Dongwhipped owner Kevin Klinkhamer, who passed along this piece of good news with the comment “48 (Pearl Jam) songs!?!? Well, at least one thing won't suck about the World Series.”

With this Tip of the Ballcap, Kevin moves into a three-way 2nd place tie with Brian Thornburg and
Joe Kelley with five Tips apiece. Jay Livernois is in 1st with seven Tips. Vince Livernois is in 3rd place all alone with three Tips. Marcus Rochellle and league follower Missy (@missyisms) each have two Tips.

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We Have That Going For Us

2013 Postseason

Still not a lot of content here after the Wild Card and Division Series, but we are still updating and posting stats and standings during the playoffs. So. We have that going for us.

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Nothin'

I got nothin’.
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Never Go With A Hippie To A Second Location

Many who attended the Hardly Strictly Bluegrass Festival are referring to this photo as the Zupruder shot. This, they say, is where the head came off.

Zapruder
Rube Furrow and Pedregoso Rios enjoy a cupcake that
the nice hippie girl made just for them

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Holy Sierra!

This comes by way of Cabbage Farmers owner Paul Martin: “Holy Sierra! Without that cookie duster, Jay looks like your mom!”

Y13_8692 copy

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Experiences. We Had Them

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Standings And Stats

2013 Postseason


Not a lot of content here, but we are updating
stats and standings during the playoffs. So we have that going for us.

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Brothers

Yeah. So. This happened.

Hardly Strictly
Tony, Sam, Jay, and Vince at
Hardly Strictly Fest

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We May Be Going Dark (Or To The Hardly Strictly Festival)

2013 Postseason


To nurse my wounds over the Cleveland Indians' spectacular one-game flameout, I'm headed to Northern California to cry in the arms of my brothers, Jay, Sam, and Vince, go to the wildy-popular
Hardly Strictly Fest, go my niece Hannah's identical triplets babies shower, return to the Hardly Strictly Fest, and then attend a three-day course starting next Tuesday. So, yeah. We may be going dark for a week.

But never fear. I have my trusty Tandy 800, a 4-baud modem, and a determination to keep this league running even if it's by sticks and duct tap. But should my determination falter, my liver finally give out, or my brothers not provide any comfort, the league will go dark until I return.

In the meantime, you get out, too, willya? Get some fresh air. Enjoy the sun on your skin and turn that pasty white a little bronze. And have a great week!


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One And Done … So, How About My Vikings?

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I’ve been so caught up in this Cleveland Indians playoff run that I barely even noticed that the NFL season has begun. After tonight’s
debacle of a Wild Card Game -- summarized perfectly by my brother Jay Livernois who said: “Welcome to my world. Runners all over the basepaths ... no outs ... hope reigns eternal ... and no one scores. That's been the Giants' MO all year. The worst sort of frustration.” -- maybe I can find some solace in football. So, how are my Minnesota Vikings looking this season?


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Playoff Stats And Standings Posted

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The playoffs have begun, our spreadsheet has been updated, and
Playoff standings and stats are now posted online. Besides the Playoffs standings, we have Overall Standings, Playoff Hitting Stats, and Playoff Pitching Stats. We are also updating stats team-by-team, so take a look at your playoff roster to make sure we got everything right. Stats for the entire playoffs are recorded manually in this league, so do us a favor and let us know ASAP if we got something wrong.


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Ditch The Sparkling Grape Juice, Kevin Klinkhamer, You Are Now Officially The 2013 Regular Season Champ

Dongwhipped owner Kevin Klinkhamer can put away the sparkling grape juice and break out with the champagne. He has officially won the 2013 Santa Lechuga Power League Regular Season Championship. A lot can be said about Kevin’s season, but we already said some of it yesterday and we have more pressing business to attend to, like how are we going to convince him to use some of his winnings to buy a few rounds of drinks and a meal for league officials and soon. But congrats to Kevin. That was a hell of a season!

Here’s the complete list of champs crowned at the end of last night’s action, which marked the official end of the 2013 Regular Season:
  • Arugula Division Champ: Cain I Lincecum in Ur Posey, Dave Adrian
  • Cripshead Division: Chente Vince Livernois
  • Endive Division Champ: Kershawshank Redemption, Joe Kelly
  • Frisee Division Champ: Dongwhipped, Kevin Klinkhamer
  • Radicchio Division Champ: Cabbage Farmers, Paul Martin
  • Romaine Division Champ: Valley Bombers, Jeff Burns
  • Spinach Division Champ: Puigin' It Real!, Kyle Harmon
  • Swiss Chard Division Champ: Highlanders, Rick Coppock
  • Hitting Champ: Cabbage Farmers, Paul Martin
  • Pitching Champ: Dongwhipped, Kevin Klinkhamer
  • Power-Hitting Pitchers Champ: Weston's Warriors, Weston Livernois
  • Regular Season Champ: Dongwhipped, Kevin Klinkhamer
Congratulations to Kevin Klinkhamer and to all our Regular Season champs!

(By the way,
actual money winners will be announced at the end of the playoffs, when the Overall Champ is crowned.)

In Other News
After tepid last-minute trading, owners can no longer make any trades for the 2013 season.

More In Other News
Have you paid for your ownership fees and trades? If not, get on it already. We need to pay our champs, after all.

Still More In Other News
The playoffs are about to begin.

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Still More In Other News
Y’all need to know how points are awarded during the Wild Card and Divisional Playoffs. Here’s how:

  • Hitters earn 20 points for every home run hit
  • Hitters lose 2 points for every K
  • Pitchers earn 2 points for every K
  • Pitchers lose 10 points for every homer surrendered
Good luck to all y’alls during the playoffs!


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Kevin Klinkhamer (Unofficially) Crowned 2013 Regular Season Champ

Dongwhipped owner Kevin Klinkhamer, who was in first place for only nine days this season while trailing Cabbage Farmers owner Paul Martin for most of it, made deft moves and had a little bit of luck to ultimately overcome Paul in the final days of the season to (unofficially) win the 2013 Regular Season Championship.

“I was convinced Tulow would go yard in his last at bat and spoil everything,” Kevin said as he was being doused with sparkling grape juice. “When he walked, I knew I had won. I still can’t believe it.”

Asked about the sparkling grape juice, Kevin said, “Yeah, I’m gonna wait until it’s official to break out with the champagne.”

Kevin being crowned Regular Season Champ is not yet official because the regular season is not officially over yet;
Tampa Bay and Texas are playing a one-game playoff today to determine who will play in Wednesday’s Wild Card playoff. But as best as our math-challenged and tequila-addled brains can figure, there is no way for Paul to overcome Kevin’s 5-point lead since they share the same Rays and Rangers players. Having said that, we aren’t making it official just in case we are missing something or in case some 3rd or 4th place team goes on a tear during today’s action.

This is the second time Kevin has been crowned Regular Season Champ.
He last won in 2006. When asked if he was going to win the Overall Championship, Kevin said, “Who cares? We win the same amount. Besides, winnings from the Regular Season spends exactly the same as winnings from Overall.”

Meanwhile, with the Regular Season still officially going, folks can still make trades to prepare for the playoffs. This includes owners who have free trades coming.
Best as we can tell, the following teams have earned free trades that they have not yet used:
  • 1C The Pathetics (1), Ray Jasutis
  • 1D Cain I Lincecum in Ur Posey (13), Dave Adrian
  • 2C Chente (2), Vince Livernois
  • 3C Weston's Warriors (3), Weston Livernois
  • 4A Sandyeggo Padres (15), Jack Tripp
  • 6E Valley Bombers (8), Jeff Burns
  • 8A Highlanders (1), Rick Coppock
  • 8D Peanunski (29), Stephanie Wigton
  • 8E Golden Sombreros (9), Brandon Olivarria
Using a free trade cannot hurt you in any way. Make your trade before the last out of today’s one-game playoff.


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Final Day Of The Regular Season. Kinda. Sorta. Maybe.

Horse Race Update: Dongwhipped owner Kevin Klinkhamer added a single point to his Overall lead after yesterday’s action and now holds a 3-point lead in the Overall Standings over Cabbage Farmers owner Paul Martin. There is one day left in the regular season, not counting any playoff games to determine the AL Wild Card participants.

Today is the last day of the Regular Season, the day we crown the Regular Season Champ along with a whole host of other champs! Well, actually, today is the last
scheduled day of the Regular Season. If things go to hell in the AL Wild Card race -- seriously, just check out the various scenarios -- Monday and Tuesday could provide some real craziness. But let’s just assume, for the sake of sanity, that today is the last day of the Regular Season so that we can communicate what needs to be communicated at the end of a Regular Season just in case today is actually and for reals the last day of the Regular Season. Got that?

Okay, here’s what you need to know: With the end of the Regular Season comes the end of trading for the season. From our
trade rules: “Trading ends when the Regular Season ends, which is with the final out made of the final game played on the final day of the season (including any playoff games to determine Division or Wild Card winners).”

For those of you that have earned free trades, it’ll cost you nothing to make those trades, but you have to make ‘em before the final out of the final game of the Regular Season season, whenever the hell that is; after that, those free trades are lost to the ether.

By my calculations, 14 teams have earned a total of 26 free trades; several teams have already used free trades, but many still have free trades due them. Why lose those? You may as well pick up a dark horse for the playoffs that no one else has just to see if he can get you to the promised land.
So, get your final trades to me, STAT!


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Exit Sandman

Horse Race Update: Dongwhipped owner Kevin Klinkhamer has once again bounced into 1st place after yesterday’s action and holds a 2-point lead in the Overall Standings over Cabbage Farmers owner Paul Martin. There are two days left in the regular season, not counting any playoff games to determine the AL Wild Card participants.

Tip of the Ballcap to Carrboro T-Birds owner
Brian Thornburg, who via Facebook linked to Yankee closer Mariano Rivera’s send-off at Yankee Stadium and commented, “Just this once, there can be crying in baseball … congrats to Mariano Rivera. Exit Sandman.”



Even for those of us who consider ourselves confirmed despisers of the Yankees, we have to agree that
that was one hell of a sendoff. I particularly love how the announcers just shut their traps and just let the event play out.

With this Tip of the Ballcap, Brian ties
Joe Kelley in 2nd place with five Tips. Jay Livernois is in 1st with seven Tips. Kevin Klinkhamer is in 3rd place with four. Vince Livernois is in 4th place all alone with three Tips. Marcus Rochellle and league follower Missy (@missyisms) each have two Tips.


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Looks Friendly? I Think Not!

Horse Race Update: Cabbage Farmers owner Paul Martin has jumped back in front of Dongwhipped owner Kevin Klinkhamer and holds a 1-point lead in the Overall Standings. And, we’re coming down the stretch …

Tip of the Ballcap to Carrboro T-Birds owner
Brian Thornburg, who via Facebook sent us the following video with this message: “No, you STILL can't beat fun at the old ballpark … Hey, Pedregoso -- let the folks on SLPL see THIS one!”



With this Tip of the Ballcap, Brian ties
Kevin Klinkhamer in 3rd place with four Tips. Jay Livernois is in 1st with seven Tips. Joe Kelley is in 2nd has five Tips. Vince Livernois is in 4th place all alone with three Tips. Marcus Rochellle and league follower Missy (@missyisms) each have two Tips.


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Fun

Gotta love it when a perpetual loser finally prevails. Maybe that will happen for me in the SLPL some day.


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Tensions Mounting, Redux: Vicarious and Vicious Nut-Crushing

Tip of the Ballcap to Dongwhippped owner Kevin Klinkhamer, who with yet another nut-crushing story seems intent on making the men of this league feel vicarious and vicious nut crushing pain. Here’s what he says: “The link (Carrboro T-Birds owner) Brian (Thornburg) sent in was great. But even better was the home run hit a couple of innings earlier that caused the eventual brouhaha. Gattis stared a bit too long at this HR and that is why Fernandez pimped it up after hitting his HR. However, the best part of the HR is where it landed. This clown literally watches the ball fly right into his crotch.”

Nut Crushing

No fun! No fun! No fun!

Kevin continued. “I could go on and on about this guy but won't waste my time as he is a Marlins fan and that will suffice for now. And much props to the commenter who chimed in with ‘The home run was measured at 395 feet, 3.5 inches.’”

Okay, that alone was worth the vicious and vicarious pain. Thanks, Kevin!

With this Tip of the Ballcap, Kevin moves into a 3rd place tie with Brian Thornburg and
Vince Livernois with three Tips apiece. Jay Livernois leads with six. Joe Kelley has five Tips. Marcus Rochellle and league follower Missy (@missyisms) each have two Tips.


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Tensions Mounting

Tip of the Ballcap to Carrboro T-Birds owner Brian Thornburg, who shared (via Facebook) this video with the comment “You can't beat fun at the old ballpark …”



Fun, fun, fun!

Personally, I’m going to give the “W” in this little battle to Jose Fernandez.

With this Tip of the Ballcap, Brian moves into a 3rd place tie with
Vince Livernois with three Tips apiece. Jay Livernois leads with six. Joe Kelley has five Tips. Kevin Klinkhamer, Marcus Rochellle and league follower Missy (@missyisms) each have two Tips.


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Wanna Beer?

Tip of the Ballcap to Kershawshank Redemption owner Joe Kelly for passing this along with the message “Sign this guy up for the SLPL!” Yes, let’s! And let’s get the lady who had the beer spilled all over her camera, too!



With this Tip of the Ballcap, Joe inches closer to
Jay Livernois with five Tips. Jay is in first with six. Vince Livernois is in third place solo with three Tips. Brian Thornburg, and league follower Missy (@missyisms), are tied for fourth place with two Tips each.


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Memorabilia Crime Scene

Tip of the ballcap to The Heart Is A Lonely Hunter Pence owner Joe Livernois, who passed this excellent story along, which talks about the single worst baseball card of all time.

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The worst baseball card of all time,
1996 Pinnacle Foil No. 289


With this Tip of the Ballcap, Jay Livernois increases his league lead with six Tips of the Ballcap. Joe Kelly is in second place with four. Vince Livernois, Brian Thornburg, and league follower Missy (@missyisms), are tied for third place with two each.


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That's Some Major League Snark!

Chente owner Vince Livernois breaks out with his major league snark on Facebook:

Snark

We like it too much.


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Hammerin' Hank

It will take you 15 clicks to get through them all, but darned if reading Hank Aaron’s quotes under these vintage photos isn’t worth the effort.


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"No One Is Innocent"

See, now. Baseball today isn’t so bad.


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Two Chicago Icons On An Iconic Night In Chicago

Tip of the Ballcap once again to Kershawshank Redemption owner Joe Kelly, who is once again getting us all through our dog days of August with this, in honor of the Cubs recently marking their 25th year with lights at Wrigley.



With two consecutive Tips of the Ballcap,
Joe now holds sole possession of 2nd place with four. Jay Livernois leads the league with five Tips of the Ballcap. Vince Livernois, Brian Thornburg, and league follower Missy (@missyisms), are tied for third place with two each.


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Twins' Bullpen Pulls Off Perfect Prank Punch

Tip of the Ballcap to Kershawshank Redemption owner Joe Kelly, who passed this along in the hopes that it will help get us all through our dog days of August.

ku-xlarge


Shortly after Joe sent this to us, local minor league club Kane County Cougars posted this to Facebook:

Perfect Prank Punch


Nicely done, Jared!


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The Matrix Goes To Yankee Stadium

Simply cool.



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Die, Bud Selig!

Tip of the ballcap to Dongwhipped owner Kevin Klinkhamer, who sends us this commentary via e-mail with the subject line “Die, Bud Selig!” and this note: “This picture is just another reason Bud Selig should use his powers to enact the ‘best interests of baseball’ clause by banning HIMSELF from the game for life. Or just die, whichever he prefers.”

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(Photo by Kevork Djansezian/Getty Images)


The only SLPL player affected by the batch of suspensions is Nelson Cruz,
who sits on the rosters of six owners. For the record, Nelson Cruz will score exactly zero points during his 50-game suspension.


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So. Well. There Was That, I Suppose. Oh, Yeah, Congrats, Joe Livernois, the 2013 All-Star Champ!

2013_MLB_All-Star_Game_Logo

I had this vision all day that The Heart is a Lonely Hunter Pence owner Joe Livernois would be chewing finger and toe nails all night while bombs were hit left and right, strikeouts were accrued by pitchers front and center, and his massive lead evaporated while some low-performing, no-name team leapfrogged him in dramatic fashion. “Man, wouldn’t that be cool,” I thought. “Have someone come back from 250 points down and rip the All-Star championship rug out from under him. Man, that’d be sweet.”

Don’t get me wrong. I love my brother. He’s a bitchen guy and deserves nothing but good things. But we’re running a fantasy league over here and, frankly, nothing sucks more than knowing who’s going to win something. And after his boffo performance in
last night’s Home Run Derby, and despite our best efforts to make it sound like someone not named Jay Livernois actually had a chance to win this thing, we kinda sorta knew it was a pipe dream that someone else might win this thing. But we dreamed. We fantasized. We hoped.

Nope. Didn’t happen.

For the third year in a row,
not a single hitter on an SLPL roster hit a home run, nor did a single pitcher on an SLPL roster give up a home run. Which meant, well, only two teams actually earned plus-points during the All-Star game itself. Hell, Jay himself lost 25 points during the game and was still crowned the 2013 All-Star Champ, winning by 200 points.

But, hey, yeah, wow, congratulations, Jay, for winning the All-Star Championship on the back of someone who was not even voted to be a real All-Star. Be proud, champ. You rock. Yay, team. Go. Woo-eee.

Now, on to additional league business. Ten dollar trades are on the chopping block and will end with the first pitch of the first game played Thursday. To make yourself competitive for the remainder of the season, we recommend that you spend this lull in the season to
assess your roster and decide who you want to trade and who you want to pick up. Trades go up to $15 after the All-Star Break.

Okay, back to the All-Star game. Seriously, we couldn’t be happier for Jay. Someone had to win this thing, so it may as well be the person who conceived of this funky little fantasy league way back when. All due congratulations, Jay, our first champ of the 2013 season!


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Joe Livernois' The Heart is a Lonely Hunter Pence Takes Commanding All-Star Lead

2013_MLB_All-Star_Game_Logo

Off the bat of Yoenis Cespedes -- who isn’t doing any favors during regular season, real game play with just 15 HRs -- The Heart is a Lonely Hunter Pence owner Joe Livernois took a commanding All-Star Standings lead after Monday night’s Home Run Derby. With exactly zero other teams with Cespedes, Jay’s Pence leads all other teams by 250 points going into tonight’s All-Star Game.

Remember, here’s how the remaining All-Star points are awarded:

  • During the All-Star game, hitters on your roster earn 150 points for every home run hit and lose 25 points for every K during the All-Star game.
  • During the All-Star game, pitchers on your roster earn 25 points for every K and lose 75 points for every homer surrendered during the game.

With that type of point awardage, there is no team that has been eliminated from the running yet. Having said that, I’d rather be sitting in Jay’s position with 250 points rather than looking at Jay’s backside, which is somehow his best side.

Tonight we crown the All-Star Champ.
One-hundred twenty-five clams will go to the winner. Good luck!


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All-Star Break Begins; 1st Championship Up For Grabs

As always, SLPL league head honchos are excited about and gearing up for the All-Star festivities. It will take just two days and two events -- tonight’s Home Run Derby and Tuesday’s All-Star Game -- to crown a champ and cut a check. None of this “waiting around for 162 games” stuff. None of that “playoffs” thingy. Nope. Two days. Two events. One champ. One check.

mlb-all-star-game-2013
(Photo : REUTERS/Ray Stubblebine)


Here’s how points are awarded toward the
All-Star Standings:

  • If a player on your roster wins the All-Star Home Run Derby tonight, your team picks up 250 points.
  • During the All-Star game, hitters on your roster earn 150 points for every home run hit and lose 25 points for every K during the All-Star game.
  • During the All-Star game, pitchers on your roster earn 25 points for every K and lose 75 points for every homer surrendered during the game.

If your team has the most combined points, you will be crowned the 2011 All-Star Champ and
collect at least $100 (but more likely $125, official amount to be determined when the All-Star break ends).

Remember, points earned toward the
All-Star Standings are allocated exclusively to the All-Star Standings and are not allocated to the Overall Standings.

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First up: Tonight, the Home Run Derby!


Tomorrow night, the All-Star Game. Check the game rosters and your SLPL roster. While it’s too late right now to make trades for the Home Run Derby, you can make trades for additional All-Stars by midnight tonight so that they’re eligible for tomorrow’s All-Star game.

Standings: At-A-Glance . Overall . Division . Hitting . Pitching . All-Star . All-Star Stats . PHP . HOF . Yesterday
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All-Star Game 4 Days Away; $10 Trade Dies Soon Thereafter

2013_MLB_All-Star_Game_Logo

We are now just four days away from the 84th MLB All-Star Game, which will take place on Tuesday, July 16. This means that SLPL owners have six days to make $10 trades; $15 trades begin with the first pitch of the first game after the All-Star game, which will be on July 18th. Between now and then, you might make it a point to size up your roster against the rest of the league, figure out what dead weight you need to ditch, and pick up some new players. Oh, and did I mention that Matt Kemp is on the Disabled List? No? He is. As is Michael Morse, Yu Darvish, Josh Willhingham, Clay Buchholz, Ryan Howard, Paul Konerko, and Angel Pagan. Just saying.

If you haven’t already done so, you need check out the rules for the
SLPL’s All-Star Standings. To reiterate, this is a special little side-bet that factors in the winner of the Home Run Derby winner and home runs and strikeouts in the game itself to award the first SLPL All-Star Champ.

Standings: At-A-Glance . Overall . Division . Hitting . Pitching . Power-Hitting Pitching . HOF . Yesterday
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All-Star Game 8 Days Away; $10 Trade Dies Soon Thereafter

2013_MLB_All-Star_Game_Logo

We are eight days away from the 84th MLB All-Star Game, which will take place on Tuesday, July 16. This means that SLPL owners have ten days to make $10 trades; $15 trades begin with the first pitch of the first game after the All-Star game, which will be on July 18th. Between now and then, you might make it a point to size up your roster against the rest of the league, figure out what dead weight you need to ditch, and pick up some new players.

BTW, if you’re unfamiliar, you should check out the rules for the
SLPL’s All-Star Standings. It’s a special little side-bet feature of our league that factors in the Home Run Derby winner and the game itself to award the first SLPL champ of the season.

Standings: At-A-Glance . Overall . Division . Hitting . Pitching . Power-Hitting Pitching . HOF . Yesterday
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Mets Fans Will Love This

Or maybe not.

Standings: At-A-Glance . Overall . Division . Hitting . Pitching . Power-Hitting Pitching . HOF . Yesterday
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Sunday Morning WTF?!: Two Countries Separated By A Common Language

This one isn’t really a Sunday Morning WTF?! so much as it is just another of the infinite number of reasons to laugh at the British:







Yes, yes, I know it’s parody, but if you have ever spent any time in England watching Australian cricket (or whatever it was they were playing) at 3:30 in the morning after a long flight from the States and an 8 o’clock client meeting staring you in the face, you’ll see all the truths in this parody. Then there’s the bizarre phraseology, the weird inflections and enthusiasms, and the oddly-placed emphasis on the meaningless.

Having said all that, this guy is
way better than Joe Buck and Tim McCarver.

Wait, maybe this is a Sunday Morning WTF?!

Whiskey?! Tango?! Foxtrot?!, you English?! Now that I think about it, can’t you convince Rupert Murdoch to hire you to replace Joe Buck during this year’s World Series?! Seriously, W?! T?! F?!

Standings: At-A-Glance . Overall . Division . Hitting . Pitching . Power-Hitting Pitching . HOF . Yesterday
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Uh Oh

Tulow’s down for 4-to-6 weeks.

Standings: At-A-Glance . Overall . Division . Hitting . Pitching . Power-Hitting Pitching . HOF . Yesterday
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Hittin' The Air, Bright And Early

Hitting the air, bright and early, so we don’t have a lot to say, but we do have this video to share:



Did you catch it? That train horn sound isn’t for the home run. It’s for the doofus who steamrolled over the kid while going for the ball. What a dip.

Standings: At-A-Glance . Overall . Division . Hitting . Pitching . Power-Hitting Pitching . HOF . Yesterday
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We May Or May Not Be Going Dark, Part 4

After posting stats and standings tomorrow, we may or may not be going dark again until Friday morning, depending on the price Super8 Motel charges for WiFi and on whether or not the disk defrag I started four days ago on my Tandy 9000 laptop finally finishes. Watch this space for more news. Or not.

In the meantime, here’s a
very, very cool article about how the Arizona Diamondbacks drafted a former Arizona State player they are pretty certain won’t make the team. We have given the MLB, MLB players, and MLB owners a lot of grief over the seasons for a slew of reasons, but the D-Backs deserve a slew of props for this class move.

Standings: At-A-Glance . Overall . Division . Hitting . Pitching . Power-Hitting Pitching . HOF . Yesterday
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The Indians Story That Must Be Told

chiefwahoo

Never mind that my streaky Cleveland Indians have won three games in the last ten, after a pretty good streak or two before that, after a horrendous start. Never mind that they are still in second place in the American League Central Division. Never mind all that. You can even never mind that Tribe closer Chris Perez has been busted for having 6.2 ounces of marijuana delivered to his house. The story must be told? The two packages of pot that were delivered to the Perez house were sent not to Chris Perez or his wife Melanie but instead to Brody Baum, who happens to be the Perez dog.

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Brody Baum

Chris and Melanie were released on their own recognizance. Brody Baum was not arrested. And there appears to be no truth to the rumor that Brody is now demanding that you call him “Snoop.”

Standings: At-A-Glance . Overall . Division . Hitting . Pitching . Power-Hitting Pitching . HOF . Yesterday
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Time To Plug In the Trade-O-Matic 3000

Ryan Bruan is on nearly 40 SLPL team rosters, which makes this news almost heartbreaking. We say “almost,” of course, because we actually love it when the SLPL Pot grows and grows and grows so that our payouts to winners grow and grow and grow. To illustrate what this might mean to our Pot, four owners in the last two days have dropped Braun on mere suspicion that he might be suspended. That’s 40 clams to our Pot, which means 40 clams to our eventual winners. If he goes down for 100 games, the Pot should grow ginormously.

Even if you’re not spooked by the potential of Braun being suspended, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t plug in the trusty
Trade-O-Matric 3000. Why? Do you have Matt Kemp? He’s on the DL. Bryce Harper? DL. Giancarlo Stanton? DL. David Price? DL. C’mon, already. Get off the schnied and drop the deadweight already! You need to put yourself in position before you can expect to scrape any clams out of the championship barrel, ya know?

Standings: At-A-Glance . Overall . Division . Hitting . Pitching . Power-Hitting Pitching . HOF . Yesterday
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Uh Oh... "Cubs Erect Mock-Ups of Proposed Wrigley Signs, Video Board"

Tip of the ballcap to Carrboro T-Birds owner Brian Thornburg (via Facebook) for the link to this article, which Brian introduced with an understandable “Uh oh...”

Standings: At-A-Glance . Overall . Division . Hitting . Pitching . Power-Hitting Pitching . HOF . Yesterday
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Yu Darvish's Delivery 

The first time I saw this, I thought I was hallucinating:

i3SXAH4AAxtWS

Trouble is, I was. Some joker at Dominos added magic mushrooms to my pizza. Second time I saw this, I was still tripping. The three-thousandth time I saw this -- and yes, I counted … did you know that every number between 1 and 3,000 has a different color and smell? -- I was finally engaging with reality; and in reality this is just as cool as it is when my mind is trying to locate Alice to ask her a few questions.

Tip of the ballcap to Carrboro T-Birds owner
Brian Thornburg (via Facebook) for sharing this. It will be imprinted on my brain for years to come.

Standings: At-A-Glance . Overall . Division . Hitting . Pitching . Power-Hitting Pitching . HOF . Yesterday
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Stealing First Base and Blowing People's Minds

My head hurts reading this article, but it’s an interesting piece on Jean Segura’s recent base running (mis)adventures. If you’re wondering whether or not to read it, put it this way: Had I read this yesterday morning, it would have qualified for a Sunday Morning WTF?! Yeah, it’s that mind-twisty.

Standings: At-A-Glance . Overall . Division . Hitting . Pitching . Power-Hitting Pitching . HOF . Yesterday
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Pure Joy

After a brutal week, how about a fun image to take into the weekend:

Reds Batboy
Pure Joy
(Click to enlargenate .)

Here’s the story.

Standings: At-A-Glance . Overall . Division . Hitting . Pitching . Power-Hitting Pitching . HOF . Yesterday
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Submit Rosters Now

Even though we don’t have the ’13 Season website all created and ready to go -- we are still suffering the effects of our perpetual off-season bender -- you can submit your roster for the ’13 season by using this handy-dandy form. Do it between now and the first pitch on the full Opening Day, which will be Monday, April 1.
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