Anyway, it was clear from your messages that each of you want fantasy baseball and you want it now!
Sorry. Can't do it.
I mean, we can't do it now, even if the MLB has turned its world upside down by playing two games in Australia today. Instead, officially, we are going to give you the best damn fantasy baseball league in the universe beginning when regular season games are played on good ol' 'murican soil on good ol' 'murican Opening Day, which for us will be on Monday, March 31. This gives you a whole nine days to figure out your roster (ten hitters, five pitchers, and five life-challenged Hall-of-Famers) and send it to us using this handy-dandy roster-submittin' form. (Yeah, we know ... that form says it's for '13, but we'll update it for the '14 soon enough. You can use the '13 version for now.) By the way, yes, today's Aussie stats will count toward the regular season.
Two more things: One, recruit! We need new owners. Badly. So, please, recruit! You have friends? Recruit one or two of them to join. You have kids? They should be in the league already! You have a significant other? You know what you need to do. You have colleagues? Get them in the league for water cooler chat that doesn't include a rundown of last night's Bachelor. We want a full-slate of 48 teams this year, so get to recruiting already!
And, two ... hmm ... I can't remember what two was. It was clear when I started typing the paragraph above; that's why I began that paragraph with "Two more things." But then two just evaporated into the ether. Must be the remnants of my latest tequila bender. Oh, well.
We hope you've all had a most-excellent off-season and we look forward to having you and your new recruits in the league in 2014!
And I was right!
Ralph Kiner did me the courtesy today of reminding me that I am still running a dopey little fantasy baseball league, even during the off-season, by up and dying after 91 long years on this planet. Deaths like this -- namely, of a Hall-of-Famer -- almost always causes one-third of the owners in this league to contact me immediately to celebrate the too-infrequent death of a Hall-of-Famer.
Though an HOFer died -- the first during the 2013 season and, wouldn’t you know, an off-season death -- not all the news was good. I couldn’t find my trusty spreadsheet. I couldn’t find my blogging file. Hell, I couldn’t even find my Tandy 2000 computer. What was I going to do? How was I going to notify the rest of the league that I got their messages? That HOF points were scored? That I was alive and still running this dopey league?
Fortunately, as the fog of inebriation cleared my head for the first time since the World Series ended, I remembered that I lent my computer to my ingrate of a cousin, Pedro, who has been trying to start up a lucrative Internet company that involves working with an African king to try to give away millions of dollars if only you’ll give him your bank account number. Further fortunately, Pedro was in a bit of his own stupor when I went to his house, so I stepped over him, unplugged my computer, and brought it home, which is where I am writing the good news that Ralph Kiner has done us the courtesy of awarding points towards the previously depleted Hall-of-Fame Death Pool.
Unfortunately, Joe Livernois, owner of The Heart is a Lonely Hunter Pence, earned the most Kiner points, 95 total, 45 for the eggplant face plant, another 50 for hitting the Magic Number 6 dead-on, so to speak. We say “unfortunately” because Joe has already earned $375 this season for being the All-Star Champ, the Playoff Champ, and for winning the Pitching Champ monies. If he is crowned the HOF Death Pool -- 125 clams -- that would push him to $500, which is more than our Overall Champ and Regular Season Champs, Kevin Klinkhamer and Paul Martin, won, which just can’t happen. No one in this league can earn more than the Overall and Regular Season Champs. Fact. So, if Joe wins the HOF Death pool, we may have to take his Pitching Champ monies away and give them to Puck the Fackers owner Brendan Butts, who came in third place to Joe’s second place and Kevin’s first place. Or something. Several teams earned points for Ralph Kiner’s death, so maybe they can overtake Joe before the first pitch of the 2014 season. Let’s hope so. I have all my chips on Joe Morgan.
If you didn’t score points for Ralph Kiner’s death, don’t fret. There are still plenty of Hall-of-Famers who aren’t life challenged and there are an incalculable number of ways they can still face-plant the baked eggplant before the first pitch of the ’14 season. Fingers crossed!
Meanwhile, if you get an e-mail from Pedro telling you that he has this cool offer from a African king, please just ignore it.
Longtime league owner Kevin Klinkhamer of Dongwhipped was crowned the 2013 SLPL Overall Champion Wednesday night after the Boston Red Sox finished off the St. Louis Cardinals in the World Series. “This is for 2006, suckas! And (Cameltowing, Inc. owner) David ‘Eddie’ Edison can get bent!” Kevin shouted during his champagne shower in the Dongwhipped locker room, referring to the fact that Eddie overtook Kevin during the 2006 World Series to win the 2006 SLPL Championship.
“I’m proud of this team. So proud,” Kevin said. “We couldn’t get a break to overtake (Cabbage Farmers owner) Paul Martin the whole season, but we somehow found a way to break through the final week of the season. And when Paul moved into first during the playoffs, I just figured it was a repeat of Ought-Six and I would have to make due with Regular Season champ. But the ‘Whipped found a way to overtake him again during the World Series. Amazing, I tell you. Amazing.”
Commissioner Rube Furrow was on hand to present Kevin his due accolades and unveil a new championship coffee mug. “Kevin, I’m proud to present you with the Jim Cummings Cup, named after the 2005 Overall Champ and recently-deceased Jim Cummings in honor of winning the Overall SLPL Championship,” Rube said. “Jim would have been excited to see how you won this championship, coming from behind in the Regular Season and again in the Playoffs to win both the Regular Season and Overall Championships. He loved a good competition and he would have been impressed by your performance this season.”
In addition to being crowned Overall Champ, with his win Kevin collects a cool four-hundred-and-fifty-five clams from The Pot.
Cabbage Farmers owner Paul Martin, for coming in second during both the Regular Season and Overall standings, also won $455.
Meanwhile, The Heart is a Lonely Hunter Pence owner Joe Livernois was crowned the Playoffs Champ after taking over the top spot just days before. With that win, Joe pulled $125 out of The Pot.
Here are all the official champs and final payouts for the 2013 season:
Overall Champ: Kevin Klinkhamer, Dongwhipped
Playoff Champ: Joe Livernois, The Heart is a Lonely Hunter Pence
2013 Regular Season Champs
Regular Season Champ: Kevin Klinkhamer, Dongwhipped
Hitting Champ: Paul Martin, Cabbage Farmers
Pitching Champ: Kevin Klinkhamer, Dongwhipped
Power-Hitting Pitchers Champ: Weston Livernois, Weston's Warriors
All-Star Champ: Joe Livernois, The Heart is a Lonely Hunter Pence
Arugula Division Champ: Dave Adrian, Cain I Lincecum in Ur Posey
Cripshead Division Champ: Vince Livernois, Chente
Endive Division Champ: Joe Kelly, Kershawshank Redemption
Frisee Division Champ: Kevin Klinkhamer, Dongwhipped
Radicchio Division Champ: Paul Martin, Cabbage Farmers
Romaine Division Champ: Jeff Burns, Valley Bombers
Spinach Division Champ: Kyle Harmon, Puigin' It Real!
Swiss Chard Division Champ: Rick Coppock, Highlanders
2013 Final Payoffs
$455 - Kevin Klinkhamer, Dongwhipped - Overall Champ
$455 - Paul Martin, Cabbage Farmers - Regular Season Champ (a.k.a., next most deserving team for having won 2nd place both Overall and Regular Season, replaces Kevin Klinkhamer as money winner)
$375 - Joe Livernois, The Heart is a Lonely Hunter Pence - All-Star Champ + Playoff Champ + Pitching Champ (a.k.a., next most deserving team, replaces Kevin Klinkhamer as money winner)
$225 - Weston Livernois, Weston's Warriors - Power-Hitting Pitchers Champ + Division Champ (a.k.a., next most deserving PHP team, replaces Paul Martin as the money winner of Radicchio Division)
$225 - Joe Kelly, Kershawshank Redemption - Endive Division Champ + Hitting Champ (a.k.a., next most deserving team, replaces Kevin Klinkhamer and Paul Martin as the money winner)
$100 - Dave Adrian, Cain I Lincecum in Ur Posey - Arugula Division Champ
$100 - Vince Livernois, Chente - Cripshead Division Champ
$100 - Jeff Burns, Valley Bombers - Romaine Division Champ
$100 - Kyle Harmon, Puigin' It Real! - Spinach Division Runner-Up
$100 - Rick Coppock, Highlanders - Swiss Chard Division Champ
$100 - Tony Livernois, Pepino Monos - Division Champ (a.k.a., next most deserving Division team, replaces winner Kevin Klinkhamer as money winner of Frisee Division)
There's still one payout to be made for the 2013 season since we extend our Hall-of-Fame Death Pool for each season until the beginning of the next season. This means that we will start next season by handing out a check to our final 2013 winner. No one currently leads 'cause no HOFers have expired this season, but we are really hoping to catch a few quality HOF deaths between now and the beginning of next season.
Congratulations to Kevin Klinkhamer and his Dongwhipped and congrats to all our 2013 champs and money winners. And thanks to all of you for joining us for a most-excellent season. We look forward to seeing you all next year.
P.S. If you haven't paid your ownership and trade fees, get on it already! We need to cut some championship checks! (Check Who Owes What to see what you owe. And if you've already paid and we haven't noted it, please let us know.) Send your check to:
459 Echo Valley Road
Salinas, CA 93907
If it's more convenient, you can pay your derelict debt using PayPal.
P.P.S. IMPORTANT MESSAGE TO ALL WINNERS: Please respond with your preferred snail mail address so Rube can send your check. But before you do that, check the Who Owes What page to see if you actually owe monies for trades even after winning. Many of our Division winners still own money.
Dongwhipped owner Kevin Klinkhamer has won the 2013 Santa Lechuga Power League Overall Championship. The Heart is a Lonely Hunter Pence owner Joe Livernois has won the Playoff Championship. A full report, including more about Kevin celebrations and details on our final money winners, will come later Thursday.
In the meantime, congratulations to Kevin and Joe!
Kevin Klinkhamer, owner of Dongwhipped, added 100 points to his lead in the Overall Standings on Adam Wainwright’s 10 K performance Monday night. The Heart is a Lonely Hunter Pence owner Joe Livernois, meanwhile, took over 1st place in the Playoffs Standings. There may not be a lot of players left in the playoffs, but we are definitely getting some action in the standings from those who remain. Will things change again before the World Series is over? Stay tuned.
With last night’s action, our Regular Season Champ, Dongwhipped owner Kevin Klinkhamer, has moved back into first place, overtaking Cabbage Farmers owner Paul Martin. With the World Series tied up at two games apiece, there are at least two games left to be played, which could make things interesting, but right now Kevin is in position to be crowned Overall Champ, too, which would be quite a feat. Stay tuned.