Santa Lechuga Power League:

The Best Damn Fantasy Baseball League In the Universe! (Yes. Universe.)

League Info

Yes, Virginia, Santa Lechuga '14 Does Exist

Right off the bat, apologies to all of you who have reached out to us via e-mail, text, Facebook, snail mail, voice mail, cursing, and your other preferred communications methods to ask if there was going to be a Santa Lechuga season this year. No excuses. I mean, sure we have excuses that include tequila benders, time spent in drunk tanks, trips to Mexico to evade unhappy exes, time spent in Tijuana jails, time spent trying to bribe our way out of Tijuana jails, long journeys home on mechanically-challenged buses, and more tequila benders, but none of those excuses actually excuse our ignoring your messages. Sorry about that.

Anyway, it was clear from your messages that each of you want fantasy baseball and you want it now!

Sorry. Can't do it.

I mean, we can't do it now, even if the MLB has turned its world upside down by playing two games in Australia today. Instead, officially, we are going to give you the best damn fantasy baseball league in the universe beginning when regular season games are played on good ol' 'murican soil on good ol' 'murican Opening Day, which for us will be on Monday, March 31. This gives you a whole nine days to figure out your roster (ten hitters, five pitchers, and five life-challenged Hall-of-Famers) and send it to us using
this handy-dandy roster-submittin' form. (Yeah, we know ... that form says it's for '13, but we'll update it for the '14 soon enough. You can use the '13 version for now.) By the way, yes, today's Aussie stats will count toward the regular season.

Two more things: One, recruit! We need new owners. Badly. So, please, recruit! You have friends? Recruit one or two of them to join. You have kids? They should be in the league already! You have a significant other? You know what you need to do. You have colleagues? Get them in the league for water cooler chat that doesn't include a rundown of last night's Bachelor. We want a full-slate of 48 teams this year, so get to recruiting already!

And, two ... hmm ... I can't remember what two was. It was clear when I started typing the paragraph above; that's why I began that paragraph with "Two more things." But then two just evaporated into the ether. Must be the remnants of my latest tequila bender. Oh, well.

We hope you've all had a most-excellent off-season and we look forward to having you and your new recruits in the league in 2014!
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The Season *Never* Ends; Ralph Kiner Face Plants the Baked Eggplant

Here I was, lounging around and immensely enjoying my patented and most-welcomed off-season-long bender, when the texts and e-mails started streaming in. I haven’t heard a phone rumble like that since the ’79 earthquake, which also knocked the Virgin Mary off the shelf in my mom’s kitchen. (True story.) As I tried desperately to pull myself out of the fog of my alcohol stupor, I kept wondering why people would be trying to reach me so desperately during my patented and most-welcomed off-season-long bender. But as I reached for my phone, it suddenly occurred to me: A Hall-of-Famer must have died! I mean, outside of asking when their championship winnings will be delivered, that’s the only reason during the off-season that anyone tries to reach me.

And I was right!

Ralph Kiner did me the courtesy today of reminding me that I am still running a dopey little fantasy baseball league, even during the off-season, by up and dying after 91 long years on this planet. Deaths like this -- namely, of a Hall-of-Famer -- almost always causes one-third of the owners in this league to contact me immediately to celebrate the too-infrequent death of a Hall-of-Famer.

Though an HOFer died -- the first during the 2013 season and, wouldn’t you know, an off-season death -- not all the news was good. I couldn’t find my trusty spreadsheet. I couldn’t find my blogging file. Hell, I couldn’t even find my Tandy 2000 computer. What was I going to do? How was I going to notify the rest of the league that I got their messages? That HOF points were scored? That I was alive and still running this dopey league?

Fortunately, as the fog of inebriation cleared my head for the first time since the World Series ended, I remembered that I lent my computer to my ingrate of a cousin, Pedro, who has been trying to start up a lucrative Internet company that involves working with an African king to try to give away millions of dollars if only you’ll give him your bank account number. Further fortunately, Pedro was in a bit of his own stupor when I went to his house, so I stepped over him, unplugged my computer, and brought it home, which is where I am writing the good news that Ralph Kiner has done us the courtesy of awarding points towards the previously depleted Hall-of-Fame Death Pool.

Unfortunately,
Joe Livernois, owner of The Heart is a Lonely Hunter Pence, earned the most Kiner points, 95 total, 45 for the eggplant face plant, another 50 for hitting the Magic Number 6 dead-on, so to speak. We say “unfortunately” because Joe has already earned $375 this season for being the All-Star Champ, the Playoff Champ, and for winning the Pitching Champ monies. If he is crowned the HOF Death Pool -- 125 clams -- that would push him to $500, which is more than our Overall Champ and Regular Season Champs, Kevin Klinkhamer and Paul Martin, won, which just can’t happen. No one in this league can earn more than the Overall and Regular Season Champs. Fact. So, if Joe wins the HOF Death pool, we may have to take his Pitching Champ monies away and give them to Puck the Fackers owner Brendan Butts, who came in third place to Joe’s second place and Kevin’s first place. Or something. Several teams earned points for Ralph Kiner’s death, so maybe they can overtake Joe before the first pitch of the 2014 season. Let’s hope so. I have all my chips on Joe Morgan.

If you didn’t score points for Ralph Kiner’s death, don’t fret. There are still plenty of Hall-of-Famers who aren’t life challenged and there are an incalculable number of ways they can still face-plant the baked eggplant before the first pitch of the ’14 season. Fingers crossed!

Meanwhile, if you get an e-mail from Pedro telling you that he has this cool offer from a African king, please just ignore it.
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Final 2013 Champs and Money Winners Announced; Jim Cummings Cup Unveiled

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Longtime league owner Kevin Klinkhamer of Dongwhipped was crowned the 2013 SLPL Overall Champion Wednesday night after the Boston Red Sox finished off the St. Louis Cardinals in the World Series. “This is for 2006, suckas! And (Cameltowing, Inc. owner) David ‘Eddie’ Edison can get bent!” Kevin shouted during his champagne shower in the Dongwhipped locker room, referring to the fact that Eddie overtook Kevin during the 2006 World Series to win the 2006 SLPL Championship.

“I’m proud of this team. So proud,” Kevin said. “We couldn’t get a break to overtake (Cabbage Farmers owner)
Paul Martin the whole season, but we somehow found a way to break through the final week of the season. And when Paul moved into first during the playoffs, I just figured it was a repeat of Ought-Six and I would have to make due with Regular Season champ. But the ‘Whipped found a way to overtake him again during the World Series. Amazing, I tell you. Amazing.”

Commissioner
Rube Furrow was on hand to present Kevin his due accolades and unveil a new championship coffee mug. “Kevin, I’m proud to present you with the Jim Cummings Cup, named after the 2005 Overall Champ and recently-deceased Jim Cummings in honor of winning the Overall SLPL Championship,” Rube said. “Jim would have been excited to see how you won this championship, coming from behind in the Regular Season and again in the Playoffs to win both the Regular Season and Overall Championships. He loved a good competition and he would have been impressed by your performance this season.”

In addition to being crowned Overall Champ, with his win Kevin collects a cool four-hundred-and-fifty-five clams from
The Pot.

Cabbage Farmers owner Paul Martin, for coming in second during both the Regular Season and Overall standings, also won $455.

Meanwhile, The Heart is a Lonely Hunter Pence owner
Joe Livernois was crowned the Playoffs Champ after taking over the top spot just days before. With that win, Joe pulled $125 out of The Pot.

Here are all the official champs and final payouts for the 2013 season:

2013 Champs

End-of-Season Champs
Overall Champ: Kevin Klinkhamer, Dongwhipped
Playoff Champ: Joe Livernois, The Heart is a Lonely Hunter Pence

2013 Regular Season Champs
Regular Season Champ: Kevin Klinkhamer, Dongwhipped
Hitting Champ:
Paul Martin, Cabbage Farmers
Pitching Champ:
Kevin Klinkhamer, Dongwhipped
Power-Hitting Pitchers Champ:
Weston Livernois, Weston's Warriors
All-Star Champ:
Joe Livernois, The Heart is a Lonely Hunter Pence
Arugula Division Champ:
Dave Adrian, Cain I Lincecum in Ur Posey
Cripshead Division Champ:
Vince Livernois, Chente
Endive Division Champ:
Joe Kelly, Kershawshank Redemption
Frisee Division Champ:
Kevin Klinkhamer, Dongwhipped
Radicchio Division Champ:
Paul Martin, Cabbage Farmers
Romaine Division Champ:
Jeff Burns, Valley Bombers
Spinach Division Champ:
Kyle Harmon, Puigin' It Real!
Swiss Chard Division Champ:
Rick Coppock, Highlanders

2013 Final Payoffs
$455 - Kevin Klinkhamer, Dongwhipped - Overall Champ
$455 - Paul Martin, Cabbage Farmers - Regular Season Champ (a.k.a., next most deserving team for having won 2nd place both Overall and Regular Season, replaces Kevin Klinkhamer as money winner)

$375 - Joe Livernois, The Heart is a Lonely Hunter Pence - All-Star Champ + Playoff Champ + Pitching Champ (a.k.a., next most deserving team, replaces Kevin Klinkhamer as money winner)

$225 - Weston Livernois, Weston's Warriors - Power-Hitting Pitchers Champ + Division Champ (a.k.a., next most deserving PHP team, replaces Paul Martin as the money winner of Radicchio Division)
$225 - Joe Kelly, Kershawshank Redemption - Endive Division Champ + Hitting Champ (a.k.a., next most deserving team, replaces Kevin Klinkhamer and Paul Martin as the money winner)

$100 - Dave Adrian, Cain I Lincecum in Ur Posey - Arugula Division Champ
$100 - Vince Livernois, Chente - Cripshead Division Champ
$100 - Jeff Burns, Valley Bombers - Romaine Division Champ
$100 - Kyle Harmon, Puigin' It Real! - Spinach Division Runner-Up
$100 - Rick Coppock, Highlanders - Swiss Chard Division Champ
$100 - Tony Livernois, Pepino Monos - Division Champ (a.k.a., next most deserving Division team, replaces winner Kevin Klinkhamer as money winner of Frisee Division)

There's still one payout to be made for the 2013 season since we extend our
Hall-of-Fame Death Pool for each season until the beginning of the next season. This means that we will start next season by handing out a check to our final 2013 winner. No one currently leads 'cause no HOFers have expired this season, but we are really hoping to catch a few quality HOF deaths between now and the beginning of next season.

Congratulations to Kevin Klinkhamer and his Dongwhipped and congrats to all our 2013 champs and money winners. And thanks to all of you for joining us for a most-excellent season. We look forward to seeing you all next year.

Pedregoso

P.S. If you haven't paid your ownership and trade fees, get on it already! We need to cut some championship checks! (Check
Who Owes What to see what you owe. And if you've already paid and we haven't noted it, please let us know.) Send your check to:

Joe Livernois
459 Echo Valley Road
Salinas, CA 93907

If it's more convenient, you can pay your derelict debt using PayPal.

P.P.S. IMPORTANT MESSAGE TO ALL WINNERS: Please respond with your preferred snail mail address so Rube can send your check. But before you do that, check the Who Owes What page to see if you actually owe monies for trades even after winning. Many of our Division winners still own money.

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Kevin Klinkhamer Crowned 2013 Santa Lechuga Power League Overall Champ

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Dongwhipped owner Kevin Klinkhamer has won the 2013 Santa Lechuga Power League Overall Championship. The Heart is a Lonely Hunter Pence owner Joe Livernois has won the Playoff Championship. A full report, including more about Kevin celebrations and details on our final money winners, will come later Thursday.

In the meantime, congratulations to Kevin and Joe!

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Klinkhamer Extends Overall Lead; Joe Livernois Takes Lead In Playoffs Standings

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Kevin Klinkhamer, owner of Dongwhipped, added 100 points to his lead in the Overall Standings on Adam Wainwright’s 10 K performance Monday night. The Heart is a Lonely Hunter Pence owner Joe Livernois, meanwhile, took over 1st place in the Playoffs Standings. There may not be a lot of players left in the playoffs, but we are definitely getting some action in the standings from those who remain. Will things change again before the World Series is over? Stay tuned.


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Kevin Klinkhamer Moves Into First. Again.

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With last night’s action, our Regular Season Champ, Dongwhipped owner Kevin Klinkhamer, has moved back into first place, overtaking Cabbage Farmers owner Paul Martin. With the World Series tied up at two games apiece, there are at least two games left to be played, which could make things interesting, but right now Kevin is in position to be crowned Overall Champ, too, which would be quite a feat. Stay tuned.

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Nothing More Fun Than Listening To A Red Sox Fan Whine

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The umpires got the call right. But even if they didn’t, having them make the call in the first place is totally worth it because we get to listen to Red Sox fans cry and whine and stomp and act all Pedroia. Suck it, Red Sox fans.

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And You Call *Me* Irreverent?

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I have been called irreverent. More than once. More than once on major holidays. More than once by multiple people in the same hour. More than once by multiple people on a major holiday within the same hour within a single exchange.

They know me too well, I admit. I don’t always show “respect for people or things that are generally taken seriously,” which is a common definition of reverence.

I have my reasons. The biggest being that I don’t always agree with what others generally take seriously. So when I go all irreverent on someone’s Alpha, it’s because I don’t agree that the target of my ire should be taken seriously. My rule of thumb: Ridicule is an appropriate response to the ridiculous.

And until last night, I thought I was the master of irreverence. I’ve been told as much. More than once. By multiple people on a major holiday within the same hour within a single exchange.

Then last night happened.

I won’t give away the name so as to protect the irreverent, but here are just a few quotes from texts I received from one of my favorite people on earth, who also happens to be an SLPL owner, during last night’s World Series:

“Foxtrot Boston!”

“Why do I need to be reminded of a Foxtrotting tragedy?”

“I’m Foxtrotting trying to get my mind off serious Sierra over here.”

“Foxtrotting heroes!”

“Running 26 miles and you take a little shrapnel and I’m supposed to [redacted] you?”

And, finally: “I’m tired of seeing Pedroia’s facial tic.”

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is irreverence. I’m thinking about just conceding right here and now. I will
never be that good.

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Who Cares?

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The World Series has started and we could not care less. Don’t get us wrong. We care about the SLPL and how that will shake out, but we couldn’t care less about the World Series itself. If you’re like us, pay attention to the SLPL Overall Standings and our Playoffs Standings. And do your best to ignore Joe Buck and Tim McCarver.

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It's Going To Be A Low Scoring World Series

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It’s going to be a low scoring World Series. In the Santa Lechuga Power League. I don’t know what’s going to happen in the MLB, but for the SLPL points are going to be difficult to come by. With the Dodgers and Tigers out of the picture, the SLPL is left with just six total players participating int the Fall Classic: Mike Napoli, David Ortiz, Matt Adams, Carlos Beltran, Clay Buchholz, and Adam Wainwright. There are so few World Series players that many teams have no active players playing. But for those who do still have players, it will be interesting to see how things shake out in the Overall Standings and in the Playoffs Standings. Meanwhile, we are going dark until Wednesday night, the first game of the World Series, or first thing Thursday morning. This is for sure (unless something earthshaking happens and we want to comment on it) and not just a possibility. So there.

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Luvs Me Some Defense

2013 Postseason

Tip of the Ballcap to Cornborro T-Birds owner Brian Thornburg, who via Facebook passed along this video with the comment “Luvs me some defense … even Papi gives the props.”


With this Tip of the Ballcap, Brian re-ties Kevin Klinkhamer and moves into 2nd place with six Tips apiece. Jay Livernois is in 1st with seven Tips. Joe Kelley is in third place with five Tips. Vince Livernois is in 4th place with three Tips. Marcus Rochellle and league follower Missy (@missyisms) each have two Tips.

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Even Joe Buck Can't Take Tim McCarver Anymore

2013 Postseason

And just like that, on the power of Adrian Gonzalez’s two homers Wednesday night, Cabbage Farmers owner Paul Martin has re-taken 1st place in the Overall Standings. Props to Paul for the deft end-of-season trades, where he picked up Gonzalez using a free trade. The question, though, is whether or not he’ll be able to hold onto the top spot through the rest of the Division Series and an entire World Series.

Tip of the Ballcap to league leader, uber-Pearl Jam fan, and Dongwhipped owner Kevin Klinkhamer, who passed along this link and GIF while making this observation: “Even Joe Buck can't take Tim McCarver anymore...and that's saying something!”

buck-high-five

With this Tip of the Ballcap, Kevin moves into 2nd place all by himself with six Tips. Jay Livernois is in 1st with seven Tips. Brian Thornburg and Joe Kelley are in third place with five Tips apiece. Vince Livernois is in 4th place with three Tips. Marcus Rochellle and league follower Missy (@missyisms) each have two Tips.

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And Just Like That, Paul Martin's Back In 1st!

2013 Postseason

And just like that, on the power of Adrian Gonzalez’s two homers Wednesday night, Cabbage Farmers owner Paul Martin has re-taken 1st place in the Overall Standings. Props to Paul for the deft end-of-season trades, where he picked up Gonzalez using a free trade. The question, though, is whether or not he’ll be able to hold onto the top spot through the rest of the Division Series and an entire World Series.

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Not Dark, But We're Near Dark

2013 Postseason

Yes, we’re posting stats and standings during the playoffs while in North Carolina, but that’s pretty much it. So sue us.

We May Be Going Dark, Part Too Many

2013 Postseason

Come Tuesday morning, we may or may not be going dark again, depending on whether or not Charlotte, NC, has received the benefit of high speed Internet yet. We know the Carolinas have had problems working their way into the 19th century politically, but we don’t know if they lag that far technologically. If Charlotte is still trying to grapple with the advent of the telegraph or even the modem, the SLPL will be dark through Friday. We really hope that doesn’t happen.

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Kyle Harmon Making Real Run At Kevin Klinkhamer

2013 Postseason

Puigin' It Real! owner Kyle Harmon is making a real run at the Overall Standings and leads the Playoffs Standings by 81 points. Given their playoffs rosters, it should be interesting to see if Regular Season Champ Kevin Klinkhamer, owner of Dongwhipped, can fend off Kyle’s charge.

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Cubs Fans Finally Have 48 Reasons To Watch World Series

2013 Postseason

Tip of the Ballcap to league leader, uber-Pearl Jam fan, and Dongwhipped owner Kevin Klinkhamer, who passed along this piece of good news with the comment “48 (Pearl Jam) songs!?!? Well, at least one thing won't suck about the World Series.”

With this Tip of the Ballcap, Kevin moves into a three-way 2nd place tie with Brian Thornburg and
Joe Kelley with five Tips apiece. Jay Livernois is in 1st with seven Tips. Vince Livernois is in 3rd place all alone with three Tips. Marcus Rochellle and league follower Missy (@missyisms) each have two Tips.

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We Have That Going For Us

2013 Postseason

Still not a lot of content here after the Wild Card and Division Series, but we are still updating and posting stats and standings during the playoffs. So. We have that going for us.

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Never Go With A Hippie To A Second Location

Many who attended the Hardly Strictly Bluegrass Festival are referring to this photo as the Zupruder shot. This, they say, is where the head came off.

Zapruder
Rube Furrow and Pedregoso Rios enjoy a cupcake that
the nice hippie girl made just for them

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Holy Sierra!

This comes by way of Cabbage Farmers owner Paul Martin: “Holy Sierra! Without that cookie duster, Jay looks like your mom!”

Y13_8692 copy

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Experiences. We Had Them

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Standings And Stats

2013 Postseason


Not a lot of content here, but we are updating
stats and standings during the playoffs. So we have that going for us.

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Brothers

Yeah. So. This happened.

Hardly Strictly
Tony, Sam, Jay, and Vince at
Hardly Strictly Fest

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We May Be Going Dark (Or To The Hardly Strictly Festival)

2013 Postseason


To nurse my wounds over the Cleveland Indians' spectacular one-game flameout, I'm headed to Northern California to cry in the arms of my brothers, Jay, Sam, and Vince, go to the wildy-popular
Hardly Strictly Fest, go my niece Hannah's identical triplets babies shower, return to the Hardly Strictly Fest, and then attend a three-day course starting next Tuesday. So, yeah. We may be going dark for a week.

But never fear. I have my trusty Tandy 800, a 4-baud modem, and a determination to keep this league running even if it's by sticks and duct tap. But should my determination falter, my liver finally give out, or my brothers not provide any comfort, the league will go dark until I return.

In the meantime, you get out, too, willya? Get some fresh air. Enjoy the sun on your skin and turn that pasty white a little bronze. And have a great week!


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One And Done … So, How About My Vikings?

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I’ve been so caught up in this Cleveland Indians playoff run that I barely even noticed that the NFL season has begun. After tonight’s
debacle of a Wild Card Game -- summarized perfectly by my brother Jay Livernois who said: “Welcome to my world. Runners all over the basepaths ... no outs ... hope reigns eternal ... and no one scores. That's been the Giants' MO all year. The worst sort of frustration.” -- maybe I can find some solace in football. So, how are my Minnesota Vikings looking this season?


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Playoff Stats And Standings Posted

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The playoffs have begun, our spreadsheet has been updated, and
Playoff standings and stats are now posted online. Besides the Playoffs standings, we have Overall Standings, Playoff Hitting Stats, and Playoff Pitching Stats. We are also updating stats team-by-team, so take a look at your playoff roster to make sure we got everything right. Stats for the entire playoffs are recorded manually in this league, so do us a favor and let us know ASAP if we got something wrong.


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Ditch The Sparkling Grape Juice, Kevin Klinkhamer, You Are Now Officially The 2013 Regular Season Champ

Dongwhipped owner Kevin Klinkhamer can put away the sparkling grape juice and break out with the champagne. He has officially won the 2013 Santa Lechuga Power League Regular Season Championship. A lot can be said about Kevin’s season, but we already said some of it yesterday and we have more pressing business to attend to, like how are we going to convince him to use some of his winnings to buy a few rounds of drinks and a meal for league officials and soon. But congrats to Kevin. That was a hell of a season!

Here’s the complete list of champs crowned at the end of last night’s action, which marked the official end of the 2013 Regular Season:
  • Arugula Division Champ: Cain I Lincecum in Ur Posey, Dave Adrian
  • Cripshead Division: Chente Vince Livernois
  • Endive Division Champ: Kershawshank Redemption, Joe Kelly
  • Frisee Division Champ: Dongwhipped, Kevin Klinkhamer
  • Radicchio Division Champ: Cabbage Farmers, Paul Martin
  • Romaine Division Champ: Valley Bombers, Jeff Burns
  • Spinach Division Champ: Puigin' It Real!, Kyle Harmon
  • Swiss Chard Division Champ: Highlanders, Rick Coppock
  • Hitting Champ: Cabbage Farmers, Paul Martin
  • Pitching Champ: Dongwhipped, Kevin Klinkhamer
  • Power-Hitting Pitchers Champ: Weston's Warriors, Weston Livernois
  • Regular Season Champ: Dongwhipped, Kevin Klinkhamer
Congratulations to Kevin Klinkhamer and to all our Regular Season champs!

(By the way,
actual money winners will be announced at the end of the playoffs, when the Overall Champ is crowned.)

In Other News
After tepid last-minute trading, owners can no longer make any trades for the 2013 season.

More In Other News
Have you paid for your ownership fees and trades? If not, get on it already. We need to pay our champs, after all.

Still More In Other News
The playoffs are about to begin.

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Still More In Other News
Y’all need to know how points are awarded during the Wild Card and Divisional Playoffs. Here’s how:

  • Hitters earn 20 points for every home run hit
  • Hitters lose 2 points for every K
  • Pitchers earn 2 points for every K
  • Pitchers lose 10 points for every homer surrendered
Good luck to all y’alls during the playoffs!


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Kevin Klinkhamer (Unofficially) Crowned 2013 Regular Season Champ

Dongwhipped owner Kevin Klinkhamer, who was in first place for only nine days this season while trailing Cabbage Farmers owner Paul Martin for most of it, made deft moves and had a little bit of luck to ultimately overcome Paul in the final days of the season to (unofficially) win the 2013 Regular Season Championship.

“I was convinced Tulow would go yard in his last at bat and spoil everything,” Kevin said as he was being doused with sparkling grape juice. “When he walked, I knew I had won. I still can’t believe it.”

Asked about the sparkling grape juice, Kevin said, “Yeah, I’m gonna wait until it’s official to break out with the champagne.”

Kevin being crowned Regular Season Champ is not yet official because the regular season is not officially over yet;
Tampa Bay and Texas are playing a one-game playoff today to determine who will play in Wednesday’s Wild Card playoff. But as best as our math-challenged and tequila-addled brains can figure, there is no way for Paul to overcome Kevin’s 5-point lead since they share the same Rays and Rangers players. Having said that, we aren’t making it official just in case we are missing something or in case some 3rd or 4th place team goes on a tear during today’s action.

This is the second time Kevin has been crowned Regular Season Champ.
He last won in 2006. When asked if he was going to win the Overall Championship, Kevin said, “Who cares? We win the same amount. Besides, winnings from the Regular Season spends exactly the same as winnings from Overall.”

Meanwhile, with the Regular Season still officially going, folks can still make trades to prepare for the playoffs. This includes owners who have free trades coming.
Best as we can tell, the following teams have earned free trades that they have not yet used:
  • 1C The Pathetics (1), Ray Jasutis
  • 1D Cain I Lincecum in Ur Posey (13), Dave Adrian
  • 2C Chente (2), Vince Livernois
  • 3C Weston's Warriors (3), Weston Livernois
  • 4A Sandyeggo Padres (15), Jack Tripp
  • 6E Valley Bombers (8), Jeff Burns
  • 8A Highlanders (1), Rick Coppock
  • 8D Peanunski (29), Stephanie Wigton
  • 8E Golden Sombreros (9), Brandon Olivarria
Using a free trade cannot hurt you in any way. Make your trade before the last out of today’s one-game playoff.


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Final Day Of The Regular Season. Kinda. Sorta. Maybe.

Horse Race Update: Dongwhipped owner Kevin Klinkhamer added a single point to his Overall lead after yesterday’s action and now holds a 3-point lead in the Overall Standings over Cabbage Farmers owner Paul Martin. There is one day left in the regular season, not counting any playoff games to determine the AL Wild Card participants.

Today is the last day of the Regular Season, the day we crown the Regular Season Champ along with a whole host of other champs! Well, actually, today is the last
scheduled day of the Regular Season. If things go to hell in the AL Wild Card race -- seriously, just check out the various scenarios -- Monday and Tuesday could provide some real craziness. But let’s just assume, for the sake of sanity, that today is the last day of the Regular Season so that we can communicate what needs to be communicated at the end of a Regular Season just in case today is actually and for reals the last day of the Regular Season. Got that?

Okay, here’s what you need to know: With the end of the Regular Season comes the end of trading for the season. From our
trade rules: “Trading ends when the Regular Season ends, which is with the final out made of the final game played on the final day of the season (including any playoff games to determine Division or Wild Card winners).”

For those of you that have earned free trades, it’ll cost you nothing to make those trades, but you have to make ‘em before the final out of the final game of the Regular Season season, whenever the hell that is; after that, those free trades are lost to the ether.

By my calculations, 14 teams have earned a total of 26 free trades; several teams have already used free trades, but many still have free trades due them. Why lose those? You may as well pick up a dark horse for the playoffs that no one else has just to see if he can get you to the promised land.
So, get your final trades to me, STAT!


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Exit Sandman

Horse Race Update: Dongwhipped owner Kevin Klinkhamer has once again bounced into 1st place after yesterday’s action and holds a 2-point lead in the Overall Standings over Cabbage Farmers owner Paul Martin. There are two days left in the regular season, not counting any playoff games to determine the AL Wild Card participants.

Tip of the Ballcap to Carrboro T-Birds owner
Brian Thornburg, who via Facebook linked to Yankee closer Mariano Rivera’s send-off at Yankee Stadium and commented, “Just this once, there can be crying in baseball … congrats to Mariano Rivera. Exit Sandman.”



Even for those of us who consider ourselves confirmed despisers of the Yankees, we have to agree that
that was one hell of a sendoff. I particularly love how the announcers just shut their traps and just let the event play out.

With this Tip of the Ballcap, Brian ties
Joe Kelley in 2nd place with five Tips. Jay Livernois is in 1st with seven Tips. Kevin Klinkhamer is in 3rd place with four. Vince Livernois is in 4th place all alone with three Tips. Marcus Rochellle and league follower Missy (@missyisms) each have two Tips.


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Looks Friendly? I Think Not!

Horse Race Update: Cabbage Farmers owner Paul Martin has jumped back in front of Dongwhipped owner Kevin Klinkhamer and holds a 1-point lead in the Overall Standings. And, we’re coming down the stretch …

Tip of the Ballcap to Carrboro T-Birds owner
Brian Thornburg, who via Facebook sent us the following video with this message: “No, you STILL can't beat fun at the old ballpark … Hey, Pedregoso -- let the folks on SLPL see THIS one!”



With this Tip of the Ballcap, Brian ties
Kevin Klinkhamer in 3rd place with four Tips. Jay Livernois is in 1st with seven Tips. Joe Kelley is in 2nd has five Tips. Vince Livernois is in 4th place all alone with three Tips. Marcus Rochellle and league follower Missy (@missyisms) each have two Tips.


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The Most Useless Website On The Internet, Part 12

Horse Race Update: Dongwhipped owner Kevin Klinkhamer now holds a 3-point lead in the Overall Standings over Cabbage Farmers owner Paul Martin. The team with the most points at the end of the regular season (including any necessary tiebreaker games) will be crowned the Regular Season Champ.

Tip of the Ballcap to The Heart is a Lonely Hunter Pence owner
Jay Livernois, who gets into the spirit of sharing uselessness by sharing this stunningly useless website, the latest entry in our increasingly popular Most Useless Website On the Internet series.

With this Tip of the Ballcap, Jay extends his lead with seven Tips.
Joe Kelley has five Tips. Kevin Klinkhamer has four. Brian Thornburg and Vince Livernois are tied for 4th place with three Tips apiece. Marcus Rochellle and league follower Missy (@missyisms) each have two Tips.


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Two. Points. The Other Way. Klinkhamer Takes Over First Place

Two points. The other way. On yesterday’s action -- and with just five days of baseball left -- Dongwhipped, owned by Kevin Klinkhamer, jumped into first place in the Overall Standings, leapfrogging perpetual leader Cabbage Farmers, owned by Paul Martin. Can Paul retake the lead? Or will Kevin hold on and be crowned the Regular Season Champ? Stay tuned for a great ending to the 2013 Regular Season!


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Two. Points.

Two points. With seven days of baseball left, that’s all that separates second place Dongwhipped, owned by Kevin Klinkhamer, from first place Cabbage Farmers, owned by Paul Martin. Two points. An entire season where Paul pretty much owned the top spot, but Kevin has been relentlessly nipping at his heels and is now in a position to make Paul really sweat for these final days. Can Kevin overtake Paul? Or will Paul hold on and be crowned the Regular Season Champ? Stay tuned.


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Give That Fan A Contract

Tip of the Ballcap to Dongwhippped owner Kevin Klinkhamer, who finally shares a rainbows-and-unicorns story that doesn’t involve alligators the size of RVs, testicle eating monkeys, or snakes on the motherfoxtrottin’ toilet.




That this story happened in Cleveland as the Indians were sliding into contention for a Wild Card playoff berth makes me even more fond of this story. Thanks, Kevin. Almost all is forgiven.

With this Tip of the Ballcap, Kevin takes over 3rd place all alone with four.
Jay Livernois leads with six. Joe Kelley has five Tips. Brian Thornburg and Vince Livernois are tied for 4th place with three Tips apiece. Marcus Rochellle and league follower Missy (@missyisms) each have two Tips.


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Friendly Reminder

Dear Deadbeats:

Commissioner
Rube Furrow can't help but notice that a great number of Santa Lechuga team ownership groups are in deep arrears in the payment department. You know who you are. But if you don't, Rube suggests you review the depths of your debt by checking this link.

And after you've wrapped yourself in appropriate shame, please submit your payments forthwith or else Rube will be required to refer your case to SLPL attorney Saul Goodman. Saul knows a guy who knows a guy who has a brother who can make your life very uncomfortable for a very long time. You wouldn't want that.

Please send checks, money-orders or unmarked bills, payable to Joe Livernois, to 459 Echo Valley Road, Salinas, CA 93907.

Or you can send your owings like the big boys through PayPal by
using this link. Add the right combo of owner fees and trade fees to your cart and then check out.

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Thanks in advance, and don't make us call Saul.

Rube


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Just A Reminder: The Regular Season Ends September 29th

We are not too far from the end of the Regular Season. Now would be a good time to start getting your roster ready for a playoff run. Make trades.


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A Lifelong Friendship

Jim Cummings 2
Jim Cummings


Here’s a quick but wonderful tour through the lifetime friendship of
Jim Cummings and Full Circuits owner Bill Cunning:

Read your posting of 8/31, "A Life Well Lived," again and I think it bears repeating how good the article was and how much Jim would have appreciated it.

We first connected when he was four and I was five, the early days of WWII. Our names were similar, our dads both went to Notre Dame, we attended the same parochial school, high school, we double-dated when we were teenagers, always meeting our girlfriends inside the theatre to save money, we both stretched nickels into dimes, we discovered Las Vegas mid-teens, we grew up with the Los Angeles Rams at the L.A. Coliseum, we were on the run from the disciplines of the nuns, we shared cigarettes unknown to our parents, we were taught survival skills from our elders, he was best man at my wedding and I at his, he was there when my daughter was born and I when his son and daughter were born, we were as competitive as hell, and ultimately we were launched into adulthood where we remained fast friends for life, communicating five or six times a week right up to last Thursday, the day before he died.

I mention these things only to point out I think have a pretty good idea how he thought, his philosophy and value system, his dreams, concerns, and his inner being and I can tell you that he would have really appreciated your sentiments, big time, and would have brought a huge smile to his face and busted off a couple of buttons from his chest.

Thanks again for great read.

And thank you, Bill, for sharing this with us.



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A Life Well Lived

We have decided to ditch today’s regularly scheduled Sunday Morning WTF?! for reasons that should be obvious. Though losing an owner is about as WTF?! as it can get, we have established that stupid little weekly feature as a humorous/snarky/ridiculous take down of things that deserve humor/snark/ridicule. This isn’t one of those things.

Many, many thanks for the many, many texts, e-mails, and Facebook messages in response to yesterday’s news that Washington Bullets owner
Jim Cummings had passed away. A life well lived is one that touches and makes a real difference in the lives of others. From all the reactions we have gotten to the news of his passing, and from reading the reactions on his and his daughter Kendra’s Facebook pages, it is evident that Jim touched and made a difference in the lives of many.

Jim Cummings 2
Jim Cummings


For us here operating this dopey little fantasy baseball league, Jim made a huge difference, and not just because he was the league’s most avid supporter. You see, it was Jim who ultimately reconnected our Livernois Clan with our dad, Guao Wee! owner
Richard “Pop” Livernois, after years of, well, unconnectedness. This comes by way of league founder Joe Livernois’ account of our reconnection with our dad, the book “Road to Guanajuato: Estrangement In Paradise”:

As it turns out, Tony’s research into the deep past also served to rekindle a more recent generational connection. Tony's efforts put him in touch with a long-lost cousin, Jim Cummings, in 1999, who had also recently become interested in the vagaries of the Livernois lineage. After decades of being out of touch with the Livernois side of the family, he located Pop in Mexico. He had remembered my father – his uncle – with fondness and, like the rest of us, had lost track of him. Jim and Pop exchanged correspondence in which Jim learned with sadness of Pop’s estrangement from his children. Jim contacted Tony, brothers in genealogical pursuit, and gently encouraged him to make an effort to reacquaint himself with his father. Tony thus became the first among us to bury old hatchets.

And later in Jay’s telling:

Tony is the one who came to Leon with a box full of videotapes he thought Pop might like to see, only to discover that Pop did not own a VCR. Tony had also produced a ninety-minute video that he thought Pop would like to see. The home video included live action of Pop’s extended family, including in-law wives and husbands and grandchildren that Pop had never met. We had all interviewed our kids, asking them basic questions about their interests, their schools and what it is like to be a Livernois. At the end of each interview, the kids signed off by looking directly into the camera – directly at Pop – to wish him a Happy Birthday. The kids were sweet and beautiful and most of them told Pop they hoped to meet him someday. Even our cousin, Jim Cummings, had created a videotape of himself and his wonderful family wishing Pop a Happy Birthday. It was fitting that Jim be included on the tape considering that he had been responsible for reconnecting us with our father a couple years earlier.

I will always be thankful to Jim. Though he was just a name in the family tree before he called me one Super Bowl Sunday in the late ‘90s, he quickly played a key role in my life just by provoking me to reach out to my dad. That I got to know him a little bit -- through long phone calls (every call started with with a fast “Cousin Tony this is Cousin Jim” ), e-mails, a family reunion, a Stanford/Notre Dame tailgating, and this dopey little fantasy baseball league -- made my life even richer.

Side note: I just notice this yesterday, but it tickles me to no end: Jim’s profile picture on Facebook is the picture we featured in yesterday’s entry where he’s accepting the Ruiz Cup from his son Guy.

Jim on Facebook



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With A Big Ol' Sad And Heavy Heart, So Long Jim Cummings

With a big ol’ heavy and very sad heart, the Santa Lechuga Power League today bids farewell to longtime Washington Bullets owner and past Overall Champ Jim Cummings, who passed away unexpectedly yesterday. An early league owner, a perpetual supporter of the league organizers, an avid blog reader, and all around great owner, Jim will be sorely missed.

Jim Cummings
James Patrick Cummings
1938-2013

Man, this is all very hard to type. I can’t seem to get my thoughts together into a coherent piece. So I’m just going to pass along several random things...

First of all, Jim’s longtime best friend
Bill Cunning, owner Full Circuits, is the one who passed the sad news along:

Was just informed that our friend, cousin and all around great guy to all that knew him, Jim Cummings, passed away today. I'm numb, but wanted you to know right away and I'm sure you are as shocked as all of us. Very sad news.

I asked Bill if he thought it would be appropriate to mention Jim’s passing on the SLPL today and Bill said:

I think he would love it. I know he read your Home Page comments religiously, as I do, and he thoroughly enjoyed the SLPL. As you know, he was proud of his Livernois blood and would be honored of any mention you might make of him.

Bill also shared something about Jim that I did not know:

Jim was a great baseball player. He played semi-pro ball and more than once hit 500-feet home runs against very good teams. Back in the day, when his semi-pro team played Cal (who I believe was competing for the college World Series at the time), Jim played so well that the opposing Cal coach recruited him for a full scholarship to Cal. In our high school there was an athlete Billy Heil who was all CIF in both football and baseball, and Heil once told Jim that he had never seen anyone hit a baseball as hard and as far as Jim could. He was a true sportsman and a very good athlete.

Jim won the 2005 Overall SLPL Championship. Here is our report of his being crowned champ in early 2006:

(March 25, 2006) - Perennial-loser but newly-minted champion Jim Cummings, owner of the Washingtino Bullets, was awarded the coveted Ruiz Cup last week at his home near Ridgefield, WA, for being named the 2005 SLPL Overall Champ. "What took so long?" Cummings asked at his raucous, take-no-prisoners press conference following the Cup's presentation. "You guys couldn't get that cheap ceramic mug through customs or something?"

With the new season rapidly approaching, the normally soft-spoken Cummings ripped fellow owners and league management after accepting the prize. "So I got a mug. Big deal. Let me talk about something really important, like the upcoming season," Cummings said. "I've got two wishes for the 2006 season. One, I wish that Mr. James Woo would pay for his trades on time just like the rest of us. This will make it easier for the commissioner (Rube Furrow) and won't tarnish the ownership group any further. And two, I wish that Mr. Aaron Pankoke would continue to make boneheaded decisions like not trading for Konerko the last week of the season."

Pankoke, whose Strokes were crowned champs in 2003, was quick to respond. "Cummings, being a loser for so long, obviously doesn't know how to act like a champ," he said by telephone because he was in Arizona with his club for Spring Training. "I have two words for Jim Cummings: Use some of your award money to buy a little bit of class, willya buddy?"

Cummings softened his rhetoric a bit when asked about the Ruiz Cup presentation, attended by SLPL management. "There was no way in hell I was going to have a picture taken with that knucklehead (VP of Baseball Operations and Other Festivities) Pedregoso Rios. So I demanded that I be allowed to have my son, Guy, present me with the cup. Guy, he's the true champ of our family. He sets the example for the rest of us, guided by one rule: 'Love is the answer. What was the question?'"

Cliffy's Crushers Owner Mary Brown, when informed of Cummings' remarks at her home in California, said she was baffled. "What’s that dude's problem?" she asked. "He's like those whiny White Sox fans who spend more time worrying about the Cubs than they spend celebrating the fact that they just won the World Series. Jim, dude, brush that chip off your shoulder and just enjoy it. And White Sox fans, accept the fact that no one cares about your team but they adore the Cubs. Get over it and celebrate a little.”*

And here’s the photo we featured in that article:

image010
2005 SLPL Champ Jim Cummings with son, Guy, in front of an
actual game-day hat worn by the Bullets during their championship season


*For those coming to this via Facebook who don’t know that we are a dopey and sarcastic fantasy baseball league, none of what was said in that article was true except: (1) Jim did win the 2005 championship, and (2) Jim did consider Guy the true champ of his family. Everything else was us just having fun at our owners’ expenses.

We are going to stop right here for now. We will likely have more to say after some of the numbness wears off. Thank you, Bill Cunning, for passing along the news and sharing stories of Jim’s baseball prowess.

And Jim, we’re going to miss the hell out of you. You were, year in and year out, our favorite owner. The Bobblehead-of-Lettuce forever bobbles for you, sir.

Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble!



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Who's In, Who's Out

With less than a month of the season left, we thought it might be worth reviewing who is on the DL and who is no longer playing this season. This may help you as you figure out your rosters heading into the playoffs, where HRs and Ks are worth more (and less) for each round. Here are players currently on the DL or suspended:
  • Jose Bautista, 15-day DL
  • Clay Buchholz, 60-day DL
  • Ryan Braun, Suspended
  • Nelson Cruz, Suspended
  • Carlos Gonzalez, 15-day DL
  • Jason Heyward, 15-day DL
  • Ryan Howard, 60-day DL
  • Matt Kemp, 15-day DL
  • Angel Pagan, 15-day DL
  • Albert Pujols, 15-day DL
Oh, and in case you missed it yesterday, trades are now $20 apiece.



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The $20 Trade Is Now In Effect

The $20 Trade is now in effect.

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$15 Trades About to End; Make 'Em by 1:05 EST

With the first pitch of the first game to be played today, the cost of SLPL trades goes up from $15 to $20. Since the first game to be played today will be at 1:08 pm Eastern time, get us any trades you may have before then. Use this form to submit your trades.

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A reminder: Five paid trades nets you one free trade. Ten paid trades nets you two more free trades. If you are close to either, remember that you can use your free trades anytime before the end of the Regular Season, which means your free trades will be worth $20 each. That way, you can prepare for the playoffs by loading up with players from playoff teams ... for free. Think about it.

Good luck the rest of the way!



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The $15 Trade Is On Life Support

15-buck

The $15 Trade is nearly dead. In fact, with the first pitch of tomorrow’s (Thursday’s) first game, the $15 Trade will go the way of the dodo and be replaced by the $20 trade. For those of you still trying to position themselves to win some championship monies, submit your trades using this form.



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Skeeter Rules To Overturn On-Field Call: Unassisted Tip of the Ballcap Goes to Marcus

Official League Scorer Jeren “Skeeter” Livernois, also owner of Punching Judy’s, has ruled rather definitively -- and surprisingly -- in yesterday’s controversy on who should get the Tip of the Ballcap for the excellent Jimmy Fallon video of “Blurred Lines” with Robin Thicke and The Roots. Here’s his official ruling, which reverses our on-field ruling:

Jeren Rules


So Skeeter opted to rule in favor of his first cousin rather than in favor of his father. What is especially surprising is that both Jay and Marcus were willing to share the Tip of the Ballcap, as shown in the complete Facebook discussion:

Jeren Rules Detail


That should make the upcoming Labor Day holiday a barrel of laughs around Jay’s house. Hopefully
Skeeter can opt to instead score an A’s game for his day job with STATS, LLC that day.

But that’s okay. We appreciate that Skeeter made an impartial ruling despite it likely coming with a personal cost. And Marcus, next time you see Jeren you might want to buy him a round of drinks.

This is
Marcus’ second Tip of the Ballcap for the season, which ties him for second place with owners Vince Livernois, Joe Kelley, Brian Thornburg, and league follower Missy (@missyisms), each of whom have two Tips of the Ballcap. Jay Livernois still leads the league with five Tips of the Ballcap.


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WTF Awesomeess: "Blurred Lines"

Tip of the ballcap (once again) to The Heart Is A Lonely Hunter Pence owner Joe Livernois MFs In D.C. owner Marcus Rochellle, who declared this version of “Blurred Lines” as “WTF awesomeness” shared this on Facebook back on August 2, though we missed it:



Though not a traditional Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, we cannot disagree Jay’s assessment. I actually prefer this version to the original, which you can see here:



Update: If you’re scoring at home: We don’t know how to score this Tip of the Ballcap. We gave the tip to Jay because he e-mailed it to us on August 7, which prompted us to post the video here, but since receiving Jay’s e-mail we discovered that MFs In D.C. owner Marcus Rochellle had posted this video on his Facebook wall way back on August 2. Does Jay get the full tip of the ballcap with Marcus getting to assist? Or, does Marcus get the full tip of the ballcap since he posted it to Facebook first with Jay getting the assist? To be fair, we have raided Facebook postings in the past (see here, here, here, here, and here); had we seen Marcus’ posting earlier, we likely would have posted it and given him full credit, but Jay took the extra effort and e-mailed it to us … and we always appreciate when people take the extra time to think of us.

Okay, I’m sending this one over to our official league scorer,
Jeren Livernois, owner of Punching Judy’s. Skeeter, how do you rule? Who gets the full Tip of the Ballcap?

Updated August 9: See here for Jeren’s ruling.


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Die, Bud Selig!

Tip of the ballcap to Dongwhipped owner Kevin Klinkhamer, who sends us this commentary via e-mail with the subject line “Die, Bud Selig!” and this note: “This picture is just another reason Bud Selig should use his powers to enact the ‘best interests of baseball’ clause by banning HIMSELF from the game for life. Or just die, whichever he prefers.”

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(Photo by Kevork Djansezian/Getty Images)


The only SLPL player affected by the batch of suspensions is Nelson Cruz,
who sits on the rosters of six owners. For the record, Nelson Cruz will score exactly zero points during his 50-game suspension.


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One Wise Team Drops Ryan Braun, Scumbag

On news of the suspension of Ryan Braun, Scumbag, only one team dropped him. Joe Livernois, owner of The Heart is a Lonely Hunter Pence, did the deed that needed to be done, explaining: “Because Braun is an a**hole. Also, he's been suspended. I expect (Chris) Davis will be the only Oriole who succumbs in the team bus fire, which should happen any day now, which is still better than keeping a suspended a**hole who is willing to throw everyone else under the bus.”

Why are
you keeping Braun on your roster?

Update: Current league leader Paul Martin, owner of Cabbage Farmers, passed this along this morning with the note, “Tony, I saw your post on the website. I don't know if you remember his denial but check it out. What a piece of sh*t!”



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30 Teams Still Have Ryan Braun, Scumbag, Even Though He Will Score Exactly Zero Points Between Now And The End Of The Season

You still have Ryan Braun on your team? What, have you really already conceded the season? There’s nearly a full half yet to play!


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Trades Now Cost $15

15-buck

The $10 Trade is dead. Trades now cost $15. That is all.

Wait! That’s not all! There were
few trades during the All-Star break, which means owners are pretty satisfied with how their rosters look. Or that they have already conceded the season. The downside is that the Pot didn’t grow that much. The upside is that those who are competitive will spend the remainder of the season paying extra for their trades … and will have to keep a close eye on things to make sure they don’t lose ground in the standings and really muck things up. I think it’s gonna be a fun second half!


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You Know The Drill

10-buck-trades

Ten dollar trades, blah, blah, blah. Will be $15 after first pitch of first game today, blah, blah, blah. Use the trust-dusty trade form, blah, blah, blah. Make and investment in your team that could earn you hundreds of dollars in winnings, blah, blah, blah. Getchyer trades in fast-like, blah, blah, blah.


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Livernois Blows Winnings On Tequila; $10 Trade Nearly Extinct

10-buck-trades

Word on the street is that Joe Livernois, owner of 2013 All-Star Championship-winning The Heart is a Lonely Hunter Pence, has blown the entirety of his $125 winnings on crates and crates of the cheapest, most vile-tasting tequila known to mankind ... and that he has already consumed the first crate’s-worth to celebrate his victory.

And with that, the SLPL moves into the second half of the Regular Season, which means
the $10 trade is about to go away only to be replaced by slightly more expensive $15 trade. You can make your final $10 trades between now and the first pitch of Friday's first game, which is schedule for 7:05 pm Eastern time. Remember, though, if you wait until Friday to make a trade, it will not go into effect until Saturday.

So, get
to checking which of the deadweight you want to remove from your rosters and replace with better, more productive players.

Congratulations again to our 2013 All-Star Champ, Jay!


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So. Well. There Was That, I Suppose. Oh, Yeah, Congrats, Joe Livernois, the 2013 All-Star Champ!

2013_MLB_All-Star_Game_Logo

I had this vision all day that The Heart is a Lonely Hunter Pence owner Joe Livernois would be chewing finger and toe nails all night while bombs were hit left and right, strikeouts were accrued by pitchers front and center, and his massive lead evaporated while some low-performing, no-name team leapfrogged him in dramatic fashion. “Man, wouldn’t that be cool,” I thought. “Have someone come back from 250 points down and rip the All-Star championship rug out from under him. Man, that’d be sweet.”

Don’t get me wrong. I love my brother. He’s a bitchen guy and deserves nothing but good things. But we’re running a fantasy league over here and, frankly, nothing sucks more than knowing who’s going to win something. And after his boffo performance in
last night’s Home Run Derby, and despite our best efforts to make it sound like someone not named Jay Livernois actually had a chance to win this thing, we kinda sorta knew it was a pipe dream that someone else might win this thing. But we dreamed. We fantasized. We hoped.

Nope. Didn’t happen.

For the third year in a row,
not a single hitter on an SLPL roster hit a home run, nor did a single pitcher on an SLPL roster give up a home run. Which meant, well, only two teams actually earned plus-points during the All-Star game itself. Hell, Jay himself lost 25 points during the game and was still crowned the 2013 All-Star Champ, winning by 200 points.

But, hey, yeah, wow, congratulations, Jay, for winning the All-Star Championship on the back of someone who was not even voted to be a real All-Star. Be proud, champ. You rock. Yay, team. Go. Woo-eee.

Now, on to additional league business. Ten dollar trades are on the chopping block and will end with the first pitch of the first game played Thursday. To make yourself competitive for the remainder of the season, we recommend that you spend this lull in the season to
assess your roster and decide who you want to trade and who you want to pick up. Trades go up to $15 after the All-Star Break.

Okay, back to the All-Star game. Seriously, we couldn’t be happier for Jay. Someone had to win this thing, so it may as well be the person who conceived of this funky little fantasy league way back when. All due congratulations, Jay, our first champ of the 2013 season!


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Joe Livernois' The Heart is a Lonely Hunter Pence Takes Commanding All-Star Lead

2013_MLB_All-Star_Game_Logo

Off the bat of Yoenis Cespedes -- who isn’t doing any favors during regular season, real game play with just 15 HRs -- The Heart is a Lonely Hunter Pence owner Joe Livernois took a commanding All-Star Standings lead after Monday night’s Home Run Derby. With exactly zero other teams with Cespedes, Jay’s Pence leads all other teams by 250 points going into tonight’s All-Star Game.

Remember, here’s how the remaining All-Star points are awarded:

  • During the All-Star game, hitters on your roster earn 150 points for every home run hit and lose 25 points for every K during the All-Star game.
  • During the All-Star game, pitchers on your roster earn 25 points for every K and lose 75 points for every homer surrendered during the game.

With that type of point awardage, there is no team that has been eliminated from the running yet. Having said that, I’d rather be sitting in Jay’s position with 250 points rather than looking at Jay’s backside, which is somehow his best side.

Tonight we crown the All-Star Champ.
One-hundred twenty-five clams will go to the winner. Good luck!


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All-Star Break Begins; 1st Championship Up For Grabs

As always, SLPL league head honchos are excited about and gearing up for the All-Star festivities. It will take just two days and two events -- tonight’s Home Run Derby and Tuesday’s All-Star Game -- to crown a champ and cut a check. None of this “waiting around for 162 games” stuff. None of that “playoffs” thingy. Nope. Two days. Two events. One champ. One check.

mlb-all-star-game-2013
(Photo : REUTERS/Ray Stubblebine)


Here’s how points are awarded toward the
All-Star Standings:

  • If a player on your roster wins the All-Star Home Run Derby tonight, your team picks up 250 points.
  • During the All-Star game, hitters on your roster earn 150 points for every home run hit and lose 25 points for every K during the All-Star game.
  • During the All-Star game, pitchers on your roster earn 25 points for every K and lose 75 points for every homer surrendered during the game.

If your team has the most combined points, you will be crowned the 2011 All-Star Champ and
collect at least $100 (but more likely $125, official amount to be determined when the All-Star break ends).

Remember, points earned toward the
All-Star Standings are allocated exclusively to the All-Star Standings and are not allocated to the Overall Standings.

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First up: Tonight, the Home Run Derby!


Tomorrow night, the All-Star Game. Check the game rosters and your SLPL roster. While it’s too late right now to make trades for the Home Run Derby, you can make trades for additional All-Stars by midnight tonight so that they’re eligible for tomorrow’s All-Star game.

Standings: At-A-Glance . Overall . Division . Hitting . Pitching . All-Star . All-Star Stats . PHP . HOF . Yesterday
Pay Already! . Make A Trade . Contact Us

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All-Star Game 4 Days Away; $10 Trade Dies Soon Thereafter

2013_MLB_All-Star_Game_Logo

We are now just four days away from the 84th MLB All-Star Game, which will take place on Tuesday, July 16. This means that SLPL owners have six days to make $10 trades; $15 trades begin with the first pitch of the first game after the All-Star game, which will be on July 18th. Between now and then, you might make it a point to size up your roster against the rest of the league, figure out what dead weight you need to ditch, and pick up some new players. Oh, and did I mention that Matt Kemp is on the Disabled List? No? He is. As is Michael Morse, Yu Darvish, Josh Willhingham, Clay Buchholz, Ryan Howard, Paul Konerko, and Angel Pagan. Just saying.

If you haven’t already done so, you need check out the rules for the
SLPL’s All-Star Standings. To reiterate, this is a special little side-bet that factors in the winner of the Home Run Derby winner and home runs and strikeouts in the game itself to award the first SLPL All-Star Champ.

Standings: At-A-Glance . Overall . Division . Hitting . Pitching . Power-Hitting Pitching . HOF . Yesterday
Pay Already! . Make A Trade . Contact Us

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The Girl With The Pink Cape

I was hoping we wouldn’t go dark yesterday. I had my trusty Xerox Alto at the Resist Bacteria Hotel in New York City’s Chinatown all ready to go, but it just didn’t work for me. Everything broke down. My expectations were dashed. I couldn’t post standings and stats, nor could I post a blog entry. That makes me the girl with the pink cape:

XExkJSP
Standings: At-A-Glance . Overall . Division . Hitting . Pitching . Power-Hitting Pitching . HOF . Yesterday
Pay Already! . Make A Trade . Contact Us

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We May Or May Not Be Going Dark, Part 7

We may or may not be going dark until Thursday morning depending on whether the 24 baud modem on my Xerox Alto can make an outside call at the unfortunately-named Resist Bacteria Hotel in New York City’s Chinatown and whether the malware removal software can remove the 162 malware attacks it’s been trying to remove since April. Watch this space for more news. Or not.

Resist Bacteria Hotel
Standings: At-A-Glance . Overall . Division . Hitting . Pitching . Power-Hitting Pitching . HOF . Yesterday
Pay Already! . Make A Trade . Contact Us

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All-Star Game 8 Days Away; $10 Trade Dies Soon Thereafter

2013_MLB_All-Star_Game_Logo

We are eight days away from the 84th MLB All-Star Game, which will take place on Tuesday, July 16. This means that SLPL owners have ten days to make $10 trades; $15 trades begin with the first pitch of the first game after the All-Star game, which will be on July 18th. Between now and then, you might make it a point to size up your roster against the rest of the league, figure out what dead weight you need to ditch, and pick up some new players.

BTW, if you’re unfamiliar, you should check out the rules for the
SLPL’s All-Star Standings. It’s a special little side-bet feature of our league that factors in the Home Run Derby winner and the game itself to award the first SLPL champ of the season.

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We May Or May Not Be Going Dark, Part 6

After posting stats and standings tomorrow morning, we may or may not be going dark until late Friday afternoon depending on whether or not the unfortunately-named Easy 8 Motel in Champaign, IL, has a dial-up Internet connection higher than 9.6 kbit/s and whether or not the Trojan horse program on my Acorn System 1 laptop finishes up the scan I began in May. Watch this space for more news. Or not.

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Up and Running Again

Yeah, so, after yesterday’s nonsense, our standings and stats are up and running again. Man, what a nightmare that was. But at least we’re not a knuckleheaded knuckle dragger like this guy:

wGbiZmT


Oh, and lookie,
the All-Star Game is just a couple weeks away. Get your final $10 trades ready.

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Sunday Morning WTF?!: Just So Windows Of It

For this morning's Sunday Morning Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?!, I was all set to show some kuckleheaded kuckle-dragger trying to aim a rifle by holding the butt of the rifle just in front of his nose only to be knocked senseless by the butt of the gun on recoil. It was standard WTF fare, good and WTFish. But, as I do, I wanted to get the standings and stats posted first. A new blog post, if you didn't know it, is more than something funny or interesting or insightful or dopey or WTFish or whatever; it's also my visual cue to you that the standings and stats are piping hot, uploaded, and ready to be seen.

Just as an aside -- but seriously, I'm trying to buy time here, which I'll explain in a minute -- to generate the standings and stats, while a lot of steps, is pretty straightforward. I start up Parallels (the virtualization program that runs Windows 7 on my Mac), pop open my boffo Excel spreadsheet (refined these past 13 years to run like a top but which only runs on an old version of Microsoft Office on Windows because Microsoft discontinued macros), open the previous day's stats provided by our third-party stats provider, run the macro that copies the stats into all our various standings and then sorts them, and then run the macro to save all the various webpages that populate our Standings menu. From there, I FTP/upload all the piping hot new webpages to our website, then get to writing the blog post for the day.

So today I go to pop open Parallels, which opens just fine, but Windows won't start, which is just so Windows of it. I put on my Windows hat, which means I need to brace myself for a lot of wasted time trying to troubleshoot an unknown problem. I then try a lot of various Windowsy sierra, which doesn't solve the problem, but then I finally get a C-prompt -- yeah, Windows still has C-prompts, which is just so 1950s of it -- and from there I switch over to my Mac desktop, 'cause, yeah, it's a Mac and I don't have these types of problems on the Mac, do some Googling (what, you think I'm gonna Bing?!) and find some C-prompt kung fu written by others who have found themselves trapped in a similar circle of hell. I try a lot of that sierra and eventually get to an MS-DOS screen -- yeah, Windows still has MS-DOS screens, which is just so 1960s of it -- that says I can try a startup repair, which actually sounds quite promising, so I try that. It immediately shows this screen, which again was very promising:

Windoz

That was more than two hours ago. The reason I'm trying to buy time here is because I want to believe that a repair will actually happen. And here's the truly WTF thing after working through two hours of true Windows Whiskey Tango Foxtrotness: See that button in the lower right that says "Cancel"? Yeah, that one, the one that's not greyed out? It doesn't actually cancel. That's right, even though it's the only button available to me -- it is not grayed out and it is clickable -- clicking it immediately gives me a dialog box that says I can't cancel the repair process. So what the foxtrot is the purpose of the Cancel button?! To deliver news that it can't do what the button is clearly labeled to do?! Shouldn't the button be labeled, oh, I don't know, "Pointless”?!

Whiskey?! Tango?! Foxtrot?!, Microsoft?!?! C-prompts? MS-DOS screens? Cancel buttons that don’t cancel anything? It's like I'm living in a
Twilight Zone episode where instead of advancing, all technologies de-vance. The promise of advancement is (sometimes) laid out in a semi-coherent graphical user interface that does nothing more than eventually tell you that you can't do what it promised you would be able to do, and then does you the additional discourtesy of restricting your options of fixing a problem until the moment you can't even use a Cancel button to cancel something. "…but Pedregoso expected the computer to operate like computers are supposed to operate while using something Microsoft called an 'operating system' -- in the Twilight Zone." Seriously, Microsoft, W?! T?! F?!

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Characteristically Dim

We weren’t dark all day, but we were characteristically dim most of it. That’s what happens when you accidentally leave your computer at the client site overnight and can’t use the computer the whole next day. Like we said, characteristically dim. So sue us.

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Mr. Diety Is Back: Layers and Layers of Absurdification

Trustify me, guys, releases of new Mr. Deity videos have a way of ebbing and flowing.


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We May Or May Not Be Going Dark, Part 5 (NSFYE)

After posting stats and standings this morning, we may or may not be going dark until Friday morning depending on whether or not the Econo Lodge in Middletown, NY, provides a dial-up Internet connection higher than 14.4 kbit/s and whether or not the anti-virus program on my Altair 4400 laptop cleans up the 463 viruses it started cleaning last Tuesday. Watch this space for more news. Or not.

In the meantime, here is an awesome -- though NSFYE, which means “not safe for young ears” -- video by Tim Minchin because, quite frankly, the world needs way,
way, way more Tim Minchin. (Seriously, this is not safe for young ears. Nephews and nieces of mine, please don’t watch this unless you get written consent from one of my siblings, signed in triplicate, and notarized by a Tunisian banker.)


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Uh Oh

Tulow’s down for 4-to-6 weeks.

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Hittin' The Air, Bright And Early

Hitting the air, bright and early, so we don’t have a lot to say, but we do have this video to share:



Did you catch it? That train horn sound isn’t for the home run. It’s for the doofus who steamrolled over the kid while going for the ball. What a dip.

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We May Or May Not Be Going Dark, Part 4

After posting stats and standings tomorrow, we may or may not be going dark again until Friday morning, depending on the price Super8 Motel charges for WiFi and on whether or not the disk defrag I started four days ago on my Tandy 9000 laptop finally finishes. Watch this space for more news. Or not.

In the meantime, here’s a
very, very cool article about how the Arizona Diamondbacks drafted a former Arizona State player they are pretty certain won’t make the team. We have given the MLB, MLB players, and MLB owners a lot of grief over the seasons for a slew of reasons, but the D-Backs deserve a slew of props for this class move.

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Time To Plug In the Trade-O-Matic 3000

Ryan Bruan is on nearly 40 SLPL team rosters, which makes this news almost heartbreaking. We say “almost,” of course, because we actually love it when the SLPL Pot grows and grows and grows so that our payouts to winners grow and grow and grow. To illustrate what this might mean to our Pot, four owners in the last two days have dropped Braun on mere suspicion that he might be suspended. That’s 40 clams to our Pot, which means 40 clams to our eventual winners. If he goes down for 100 games, the Pot should grow ginormously.

Even if you’re not spooked by the potential of Braun being suspended, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t plug in the trusty
Trade-O-Matric 3000. Why? Do you have Matt Kemp? He’s on the DL. Bryce Harper? DL. Giancarlo Stanton? DL. David Price? DL. C’mon, already. Get off the schnied and drop the deadweight already! You need to put yourself in position before you can expect to scrape any clams out of the championship barrel, ya know?

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Aftermath!

Note as of 11:38 am on 6/4: Stats and standings for last night’s games have now been updated. I am sill having PC problems, but I used my trusty backup.

Well, the weekend started Thursday night with a late night flight from Austin, TX into SFO. The joy of No Greinke My Wankee owner
Miss Peyton Markie Olivarria walking the line was the main reason for the trip. However … the weekend ended up being one of those weekends we will be talking about every time we all get together. Nothing can take away from Peyton's accomplishment, but WOW!

Friday: Peyton's Big Day!
Friday went off without a hitch … if you were part of another family, but our family, well, not so much. The running around and the last minute preparations for Saturday’s party created a long morning. Then, at the graduation itself, having to sit through 350-plus horribly butchered names, the sunburns, and the horrible last-minute speeches made it all worth finally hearing the name we were all there to hear: “Peyton. Markie. Olivarria!” Echo throughout the PIT!

Peyton
“Peyton. Markie. Olivarria!” Cue the Pit!

Saturday: Party!
Saturday started with all the guys strategically planning a round of golf while the ladies stayed home and put on all the finishing touches. The party began around 5 pm with family and friends coming to congratulate Peyton. What would go down in a few short hours miss Cleo couldn't have predicted. THE DANCE OFF!!! Star of this would have been -- drum roll, please … Hamiltoes owner TYLER SHADDY! The breakdancing moves this white kid was putting down took me back to the movie Beat Street! All that was missing was the Super Fly Adidas track suit.


This video isn’t sideways. That’s just how Tyler dances.

After Tyler finished wiping the floor with his horrible dance moves, the party continued in the backyard. At this point, the (in)famous GOLDEN SOMBRERO was retrieved from the wall of trophies! It was only fitting I represent my 29th place team with some good luck! Kempin' It Real! owner Kyle Harmon refused to wear it for reasons we do not speak of. Okay, we’ll speak of them: He said he did not want to jinx Chris Davis, the only reason Kempin' It Real! is currently in the Top 10.

Golden Sombrero

The end of the night ends in walk-off fashion! Or, for our non baseball fans, homicide. One of our beloved family members, who we have been trying to persuade to join our wonderful league, Dan the Pirate, decided he was calling it a night. Boy did he. Dan did his best to audition for an upcoming role in Law and Order SVU. So we did our best Stabler and Benson impressions.

The Pirate
Dan the Pirate. Calling It A Night.

Like I said at the beginning, a weekend that will continue to be talked about for a long time!

But let us not forget the real reason we were all able to come together: Peyton's graduation. Congrats, Peyton, you have made all of us so proud! Once a cowboy always a cowboy!

Editor’s Note: How is it possible that the Livernoises and Klinkhamers haven’t ended up at the same party as the Olivarrias? Or would that rip the space-time continuum and bring the planet to screeching halt?

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Don't Let Me Down

Golden Sombrero’s owner Brandon Olivarria (@BrandonO831) was supposed to send us here at the SLPL blog a full account of No Greinke My Wankee owner Peyton Olivarria’s graduation celebration this weekend. Unfortunately, as things tend to when the Olivarrias and Company get together to celebrate such events, things got a little out of hand and he was unable to send his report in time for today’s post. We did, however, receive this photo from Kempin' It Real! owner Kyle Harmon (@chacharmon23), which shows Brandon in his quite literal golden sombrero and making his patented “punching-monsters-in-the-gonads” pose:

Punching Up
Brandon’s “Punching-Mosters-In-Gonads” Pose
(Click to enlargenate.)


So today we hope that Brandon can get us his report so that we can post it tomorrow. C’mon, Brandon, don’t let me down.


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Trying Out New Comments System

When the maker of our last commenting plugin decided to discontinue the plugin, we thought things over and decided to unplug the ability to comment on the website. While every season we’d get a handful of awesome comments, it was never really active. We thought we made the right choice, but in the last week two people have complained about not being able to comment on a blog post. So we have decided to search around and find another system.

The one we found may or not be optimal, from what I can see. But we’re going to plug it in for now, just to see if the electricity is working, and we’ll try to improve how it’s integrated once we learn how it really works.

Updated: It looks as though it’s working. You can leave a comment on this here post right below. Be nice (mostly). Since we have kids in this league, don’t cuss (too much).

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Keeping The Foot On The Accelerator

Sometimes we here at the SLPL blog get so caught up in other things -- travel, interesting GIFs, tips of the ballcap, useless websites, and such -- that we forget that we’ve got one hell of a fantasy baseball season happening right under our noses. Oh, hey, lookie here! Four teams have apparently been battling it out for the top spot already this season and we haven’t even reached June. Who knew? The best part, though, is knowing that the eventual winner of this season’s Overall championship is likely not even going to be one of those four teams. Instead, it’s likely going to be some dark horse currently sitting in the middle of the pack with a funky team name and an owner who claims that the Dodgers still belong in the major leagues. That’s how this league rolls.

Which makes the news today all the more interesting. League leader
Paul Martin, owner of the Cabbage Farmers, just made two trades, apparently in the hopes of putting his foot on the accelerator while his rivals scratch their heads about what to do. Do they counter move, hoping to trap the ol’ bishop with queen-rook combo? Do they do nothing in the hopes that it makes Paul look desperate? What. To. Do? It’ll will be fun to watch.

Meanwhile, a player on more than a handful of teams finally went on the DL. Matt Kemp, who appears on 12 rosters,
is out for a coupla weeks, which hopefully prompts at least a few trades.

Anyway, sorry we’ve not been more aware that the fantasy season is happening right in front of our eyes. We’ll try to be more diligent. Oh, hey, look! A cool GIF!

abd-353
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We May Or May Not Be Going Dark, Part 3

Come Monday, we may or may not be going dark again, depending on whether or not I want to take time from my water-front hotel view in Portland, Maine, to do something as trivial as updating this damn website. If I am unable to peel my eyes away from the North Atlantic Ocean next week, the SLPL will be dark from Monday until later Friday morning.

In the meantime … there’s no reason to post this except that I’m a huge fan of
The National, they have a new album coming out, and this video is fun.


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Hittin' The Air

I’m hitting the air for Greensboro, NC. Not much more to say about that.

But while I’m in the air, enjoy this bit of bitcheness:


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We May Or May Not Be Going Dark, Part 2

Come Monday, we may or may not be going dark again, depending on whether or not Greensboro, NC, has received the benefit of high speed Internet yet. We know the Carolinas have had problems working their way into the 19th century politically -- see also: Mark Sanford winning his recent election -- but we don’t know if they lag that far behind technologically. If Greensboro, NC, is still trying to grapple with the advent of the telegraph, the SLPL will be dark from Monday until Friday next week.

In the meantime … I can't walk to the next room carrying a half-filled coffee mug without spilling the rest of the coffee. And then there's this lady.


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Not Dark, But Not Much to Say

But I do have this view:

Manhattan
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That Should Minimize the Raw, Heart-Wrenching, Bone-Crunching Pain

Trying to deflect the enormous amount of smack coming his way after the Giants swept the Dodgers this weekend, Golden Sombrero’s owner Brandon Olivarria created this auto responder, which he employed liberally Sunday night: “To whom it may concern: I will not be responding to any texts about the sweep the Giants put on the Dodgers. I appreciate your not-so-gentle words. Have a good Cinco de Mayo! Gracias. ~Brandon (still a Dodger fan).”

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We May Or May Not Be Going Dark

I’m headed to New York City first thing tomorrow morning to see if I can’t secure a trademark on the mean Arugula-On-A-Stick we’ve been serving up at Endive Stadium to rave reviews. This means we may or may not be going dark, depending on the price Motel 6 charges for WiFi and on my ability to get my desktop files to work on my rickety ol’ Tandy 9000 laptop before I leave. Watch this space for more news.

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Shaping Up Despite No Good Trips to the DL

payloom-3-thumbnail_1

As you now know, the $10 trade is now in effect. That’s the bad news. The good news is that we had some pretty heavy $5 trading during our first month, even without a significant player taking a trip to the DL, bringing The Pot up to a cool $1,610. Though we were six $5 trades shy of last year’s total, 82 trades is nothing to sneeze at, especially considering that a Justin Upton or a Miguel Cabrera or a Justin Verlander didn’t go on the disabled list. Here’s hoping that some of our ubiquitous players get a major injury so that our $10 trading is just as heavy.

Oh, and remember: You can make trades
using our handy-dandy form. And, more importantly, you can pay for trades using our other handy-dandy form.

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$5 Trades Are Dead; $10 Trades Now In Effect

payloom-3-thumbnail_1

It was fun while it lasted. Now the $10 trade is in effect. You can make trades for $10 until the end of the All-Star Break.

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The $5 Trade Is Nearly Kaput

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In roughly two hours, the $5 Trade for the 2013 season will be kaput; $10 Trades will then be in effect. Take a few minutes to submit your trades before today's first pitch (at 12:40 Eastern time) to get the most trade value for the buck.

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$5 Trade Ends Tomorrow

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Just in case you missed it yesterday...

With the first pitch of the first game played tomorrow, the $5 will go all “Adios, MFers” for the 2013 season. So now is as good a time as any to talk a bit about the $5 Trade.

First things first: Unless you have earned a free trade the $5 Trade is the most cost-effective trade you’ll make this season. Duh!, right?

Second things second: A good $5 Trade now will net you a good five months of production out the player your trade for. Duh!, right?

And, third things third: If you make five paid trades, you get one free trade that can be used any time until the Regular Season is over. That means five $5 Trades will earn you a free $20 Trade if you use the free trade during the last month of the season. Sweet!, right?

Surely you know how you’re doing in the standings, I assume? Surely you know who on your current roster is dragging you down, correct? Things aren’t out of reach yet.
Make some trades between now and the tomorrow 12:40 pm Eastern deadline and you can right the ship right quick.

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$5 Trade Ends On Wednesday

00245-trade

With the first pitch of the first game played this Wednesday, the $5 will go all “Adios, MFers” for the 2013 season. So now is as good a time as any to talk a bit about the $5 Trade.

First things first: Unless you have earned a free trade the $5 Trade is the most cost-effective trade you’ll make this season. Duh!, right?

Second things second: A good $5 Trade now will net you a good five months of production out the player your trade for. Duh!, right?

And, third things third: If you make five paid trades, you get one free trade that can be used any time until the Regular Season is over. That means five $5 Trades will earn you a free $20 Trade if you use the free trade during the last month of the season. Sweet!, right?

Surely you know how you’re doing in the standings, I assume? Surely you know who on your current roster is dragging you down, correct? Things aren’t out of reach yet.
Make some trades between now and the Wednesday 12:40 pm Eastern deadline and you can right the ship right quick.

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Commish Delivers Welcome Message, Finally

It's that time of year again, the magical season when young men adjust their cups in earnest, when snow plow operators prepare Coors Field, and when Dodgers are delusional about their October dreams. Yes, it's time for the Santa Lechuga Power League.

The commissioner would like to apologize for the tardiness of delivering his welcoming message. As you might have heard, Commissioner Furrow recently volunteered to participate in clinical trials for a new and improved Cialis regimen. He only recently returned from the hospital, where he endured humiliating medical treatment after failing to heed the warning label. He appreciates the kind thoughts and prayers during his convalescence, but asks that his friends stop calling him "Fungo."

In that vein,
Commissioner Furrow wishes to welcome all the hardened veterans back to SLPL. Allow me to give a special welcome to our rookies, Peanunski owner Stephanie Wigton, She Wants the Dee owner Frankie Montellano, and Petey's Picks co-owners Kathy & Petey Davis. We believe all of your rock-solid picks promise to make 2013 the most dynamic season in SLPL history.

Props again to owners for generating amusing team names. In a league first,
Tyler Shaddy parodied the name of another team, coming up with Hamiltoes, a play on our evergreen favorite, Cameltowing, Inc, by David "Eddie" Edison, but with a baseball twist. We like Kathy Livernois' I've Got the Runs, though we're still trying to figure out if she is making a baseball pun or merely describing the results of her IBD. Brendan Butts submitted something that sounds like Puck the Fackers, but while we love the sentiment, we still claim to be a family-friendly operation and switched the first letters for our website. And Peyton Olivarria scored with No Greinke My Wankee, a prophetic team name that happened to be what Zack said when Carlos Quentin charged the mound.

In other news, you might have noticed that the SLPL brain trust made few rule changes this season. The only significant new rule is found in Section 3, Item 32.6b, which prohibits expectoration on all playing fields. In other words, keep your spit to yourself.

In conclusion, enjoy the season, have fun and make lots of trades!

Rube Furrow, Commissioner

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Creepy Cardinals Pitchers Death Pool Prospects

Now we know what former owner Sue Klinkhamer is doing with her extra time this season. She’s scouting out pitchers for the Peoria Chiefs, a low-A affiliate of the St. Louis Cardinals, as prospective cannon fodder for the Creepy Cardinals Pitchers Death Watch Pool. Here’s the bullpen:

Future Creepy Cardinals Pitchers
Cannon Fodder for the Death Watch Pool


Sue writes: “All potential candidates for the Creepy Cardinal Death Pool!! And they sit, totally unaware of their possible fate.”

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Hand Full of Nuts

The SLPL is getting some decent Twitter action this season. Yesterday @chacharmon23 (Kempin' It Real! owner Kyle Harmon) Tweeted the following to @pedregoso (Pepino Monos owner me) and @peytonolivarria (No Greinke My Wankee owner Peyton Olivarria) with a tip of the ball cap to Hamiltoes owner Tyler Shaddy for the screen capture.

Nuts
Hand Full of Nuts
(Click to blowuperate.)

By the way, if Peyton does’t use the above photo in all of her future No Greinke My Wankee promotional materials, she needs to fire her marketing person.

I’m still new to the whole Twitter thingy, but if you’re a Twit I believe you can follow any of us. So follow us!

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Money Is What Makes the League Go Round

Our league’s most bitchen owners have already paid their ownership fees. Are you one of them? If not, you can still be considered pretty darn bitchen if you pay quicklike.

Update: Man, I love Vin Scully. Hate the Dodgers, but love Scully.


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Trades Trades Trades

We are only ten days into the season and already five owners have made at least one trade. We love this ‘cause trades are the lifeblood of our payouts; the more trades, the more money our winners win. And I shouldn’t have to spell this out, but I will: The more you trade, the more likely it is that you’ll be one of the winners who wins money at the end of the season. Keep your roster competitive by getting rid of the low performers and the injured and replacing them with players who are scoring points, that’s the idea.

pl_4_detail_1

Trades are currently on $5 and will be so until the remainder of the first month of the season. When you’re good and ready, use this form to submit a trade.

Trade Advice for Rookies
Rookie Stephanie Wigton, owner of Peanunski, wrote to ask for advice on how to use trades. The following was my response:

“Trades are limited to ten in the season. However, you get a free trade after making five, and another two free trades after making five more. So, make ten trades and get three free.

“The earlier you can make trades the better. First, as the season progresses, trades get more expensive, which means you get more bang for the buck if you make an early trade. Second, you really want to staunch the bleeding of points from guys who aren't producing by neutralizing other teams who have players that are producing. Having one or two difference-makers that no one else has is the ideal.

“Towards the end of the first month of the season, before the $5 trade ends, I'll study the rest of the teams in my division to see who I need to neutralize, then offload the low-producers, add a player or two everyone else has, then look for a dark horse or two no one else has. I try to make most of my trades before the All-Star break but keep a few in reserve in case of injuries late in the season. If I'm out of the running, I won't make those trades. But If I have a chance, I'll use them in the hopes that they'll help me in the end.

“Having said all of the above, I've never really been competitive in my own league so I may not be the person you should talk to. I won my division last season, but I've never been in serious running for it all.”

Standings: At-A-Glance . Overall . Division . Hitting . Pitching . Power-Hitting Pitching . HOF . Yesterday
Pay Already! . Make A Trade . Contact Us

Comments

Revoking My Haters License?

Here you are, nursing a lifelong hatred of the Los Angeles Dodgers, detesting the team in a visceral sort of way, when you get a text with this picture attached:

Braxton Tripp
Braxton Tripp Olivarria, Next Generation SLPL Owner
(Click to embiggenate.)


A face like that -- which belongs to five-month-old Braxton Tripp, son to past SLPL champ
Brandon Olivarria -- can thaw even the most perpetual of spites. If this kid gets any cuter, I may have to consider revoking my Dodgers Haters license.

Incidentally, rumors have it that Braxton’s middle name, Tripp, was given in honor of
Jack Tripp, longtime owner of the Sandyeggo Padres (formerly Sandyeggo Trippers). We have not been able to confirm this rumor we made up out of thin air.

Standings: At-A-Glance . Overall . Division . Hitting . Pitching . Power-Hitting Pitching . HOF . Yesterday
Pay Already! . Make A Trade . Contact Us

Comments

Sunday Morning WTF?!: Us!

For this season’s first Sunday Morning Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?!, the wildly popular weekly feature where we ponder the f’n imponderables that need to be pondered, we turn the target inward. For good reason.

You wouldn’t think we would miss something like this on Opening Day, but we did. Below is a Tweet from returning owner
Peyton Olivarria with her boyfriend, SLPL rookie Frankie Montellano, at the Dodgers’ home opener against the Giants. That was the game where Clayton Kershaw choke-held the Giants to exactly zero runs while rockin’ a Power-Hitting Pitcher home run in the 8th inning.

peytonolivarria Tweet
This Season’s Best New Sitcom, Peyton & Frankie
(Click to enlargenate.)


So, WTF, us, how could we miss such a sweet Tweet … about us?!?

But the bigger WTF is how it is that one of our owners -- who has been out of the league for a season -- could be the first person ever to come up with a Santa Lechuga hashtag, #santalechuga?! Whiskey?! Tango?! Foxtrot?! Us?! Figure out the whole social media thing on our own, will us? I mean seriously, WTF?!

But props to Peyton for dragging us kicking and screaming into the 2000s. If we were left to our own devices, we would still be posting our fantasy baseball standings using flags in center field, like the Chicago Cubs.

BTW, owners with long memories may remember Peyton as the avid Dodger fan who somehow infiltrated the San Francisco Giants backchannel
to make an impressive MLB singing debut at AT&T Park when she was still in grade school.

Standings: At-A-Glance . Overall . Division . Hitting . Pitching . Power-Hitting Pitching . HOF . Yesterday
Pay Already! . Make A Trade . Contact Us

Comments

Start-of-Season Housecleaning

Before we call the 2013 season fully up and running, we have a some housecleaning items that we need to address…

First, please check your Creepy Cardinals Pitcher Death Watch Pool selections. A lot of you selected pitchers who were not on the Opening Day roster and do not belong in the Death Watch Pool. Get back to us with your roster replacements ASAP.

Cardinals Openng Day Roster
Cardinals Opening Day Pitching Roster


Second, check your Magic Numbers. You should note that numbers 25 and 29 are not taken. Since no one took us up on our earlier offer, let’s try again: The first owner to contact me asking for Magic Numbers 25 or 29 can have that number. As a reminder, Magic Numbers allow us to break the logjam of ties for the HOF Death Pool and the Creepy Cardinals Death Watch Pool. This offer is good until Monday night.

Third, FYI, you can make trades any time during the Regular Season. The price of a trade is currently $5, but the price increases as the season progresses. Though you are limited to ten paid trades, the first five will earn you one free trade and the second five will earn you two more free trades. So, if you pay for ten trades, you’ll get three more for free.

Fourth, while we do our best to make sure everything is accurate, we occasionally make mistakes. If you notice that we have done something wrong with your roster, your Hall-of-Fame roster, or your Creepy Cardinals pitcher, contact us and let us know so that we can fix it.

Fifth, owners have already begun paying their ownership fees, which we always appreciate. If you haven’t yet paid, there are multiple ways to pay. Pay already!

Sixth, and finally, this will be the last e-mail we send to all owners until the $5 trade is about to end (unless there’s an injury before then that we want to announce); we don’t want to clog up your In Box, ya know? To get SLPL news, see our Sunday Morning WTF?!, and just generally keep up on league nuttiness, be sure to check in daily at http://www.santa-lechuga.com/.

Good luck during the 2013 season!

Standings: At-A-Glance . Overall . Division . Hitting . Pitching . Power-Hitting Pitching . HOF . Yesterday
Pay Already! . Make A Trade . Contact Us

Comments

My Fellow Lechugians

My Fellow Lechugians:

As Pedregoso pointed out I (and Dan) am taking a year off from the SLPL. Really, this is nothing personal. I had been sick for a couple weeks and was starting to feel the pressure I feel every year at this time … who to pick? Will I ever win? Can't I just enjoy baseball in it's purest form and blah, blah, blah. My enthusiasm for baseball has waned a bit with all the high salaries and idiot owners. I have every intention of fronting another year of the
Creepy Cardinal Death Pool and will be more than happy to pay out if it comes to pass (or one Cardinals pitcher passes). I love the league and everyone involved and I look forward to just checking the website and mocking team owners for their bad moves. I will be back next year, ready to kick ass (but probably ending up in the mediocre 40's). As George Costanza would say, "It's not you, it's me.” Or maybe it is you!!!

Have a great season everyone … the good news is that we only have to put up with Tim McCarver for one more season.

xoxo

Sue Klinkhamer

Standings: At-A-Glance . Overall . Division . Hitting . Pitching . Power-Hitting Pitching . HOF . Yesterday
Pay Already! . Make A Trade . Contact Us

Comments

Sue Klinkhamer Is Still Sponsoring the Cardinals Death Pool!

We erroneously reported yesterday -- “E, Pedregoso” -- that former SLPL owner Sue Klinkhamer was not sponsoring the Creepy Cardinals Pitcher Death Pool, the single most redeeming feature of this league. However, last night league officials received an official communique from Sue saying, and we quote: “I’m still in for the Creepy Cardinals Pitcher Death Pool. I'm only out (of the SLPL) for a year. I honor my commitments for the long haul!!” That means the amount that can be won should we be lucky enough to have a Cardinals pitcher tragically expire is now back up to $1200. Thank you, Sue! Putting your cash-money in the pot, even she you’re not officially in the league, is way above and beyond the call of duty. The league appreciates it! And the Bobblehead-of-Lettuce bobbles for you!

Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble!


Speaking of the Cardinals Death Pool...
Owners, check the Creepy Cardinals Pitcher Death Watch Pool rosters. A lot of you selected pitchers who were not on the Cardinals Opening Day roster and are not eligible to win (by losing in a most serious way). Get back to us with your roster replacements ASAP.

Did You Catch That?
Some entire seasons go by without pitchers on SLPL rosters hitting a home run, which means we can’t pay out monies to aPower-Hitting Pitchers (PHP) champ. That won’t be a problem this year since, on Opening Day, Clayton Kershaw hit a dong for the Dodgers. This made a lot of SLPL owners happy, but especially the five with Magic Number 1, who now lead the PHP standings.

The season is already rockin’ and rollin’!

Standings: At-A-Glance . Overall . Division . Hitting . Pitching . Power-Hitting Pitching . HOF . Yesterday
Pay Already! . Make A Trade . Contact Us

Comments

The 2013 Season Begins!

With a some bitchen new owners, some returning wayward owners, a full slate of 48 teams, a kick-a** Excel spreadsheet, and a wicked six-month Tequila hangover, the 2013 Santa Lechuga Power League has begun. “Who the heck are these new guys? Have we done thorough background checks? Will they pass the mustard?” asked Commissioner Rube Furrow when shown short biographies on the new owners. “Everyone knows that when we go out to eat, I need my Dijon. These guys better deliver.”

With the 2012 season officially done and the 2013 season officially kicked off, Furrow spent this morning idly speculating about the new owners. “We still can’t figure out why people join this damn league, but there you go. Explain humans to me. But these new guys are a cocky bunch. For instance, check out this
Frankie Montellano dude (owner of She Wants the Dee). He’s talking smack the second he gets in the league. Get this, he says: ‘Peyton Olivarria is my girlfriend of two years. This league can’t be that hard if two of her brothers (Brandon Olivarria, Kyle Harmon) and her dad, Mark, have already won this thing!!’ I mean, who is this guy? And who’s gonna leave the smack down on him that he’s already begging for?”

Furrow then found himself pondering his owns recruiting efforts. “I know I tried to recruit (Peanunski owner)
Stephanie Wigton-Livernois a while back, but I thought she thought I was nuts. I was babbling about bobbleheads and such and she looked at me like, well, pretty much everyone looks at me, cockeyed, wondrous, sad. But a couple years pass and -- boom! -- there’s Stevie, submitting a roster with great enthusiasms. So many enthusiasms, in fact, that she recruited a friend of hers.”

That friend would be Petey’s Picks owner
Kathy Davi. “Kathy is apparently in it with her son, Petey. We don’t know much about either of ‘em except that Kathy’s a CPA, which means she’s good with numbers,” Furrow said. “That scares me a little, especially if we let her anywhere near the league’s finances. We’re running this league on aluminum foil and Scotch tape … we don’t need no fancy-fancy CPA-types peeking behind the curtains. But good luck to her and Petey!”

Rube also welcomed back a couple wayward owners who left the league for a season or two but found their way back. “It’s great to have
Peyton Olivarria back in the mix. We promise to overlook the fact that she’s yet another Dodger fan -- who’s letting them all in the league?! -- because she once sang the National Anthem at a Giant’s game. And we like her new team name, No Greinke My Wankee, which she says in reference to the movie Sixteen Candles, where the guy says ‘no more yankee my wankee, the Donger need food.’ It’s been a while since I saw that movie, so I’ll trust her on that reference.”

“And welcome back to longtime Bad Spinach owner
Jim Johnson, who left us for undisclosed reasons that are certain to put a stain on my reputation should the facts ever see the light of day,” Furrow said. “When he submitted his roster, Jim said: ‘Nothing says SLPL championship like poisoned lettuce!’, which is really more than I wished he had said. Enough about that.”

Finally, Rube gave a big shout out all the other veterans who have returned. “This looks like a great group, and we appreciate our veteran owners for coming back to the league. We’re not sure what brought all off them back, but we’re glad they’re here. It should be a great season!”

In Important League News
Sue “Buzzkill” Klinkhamer is no longer in the league. She gave some lame-assed excuse about being sick and not having the energy to join. (We’re still trying to calculate the amount of energy it takes to sit in a Barcalounger and click around the Internet. It’s far less than she’s making it out to be, we’re certain.) So, with her being all out of the league and stuff, it’s not fair to ask her to continue to sponsor the Creepy Cardinals Death Watch Pool. This means that the amount that can be won in the Creepy Cardinals Death Watch Pool has been cut in half. That pot now sits at $600 instead of $1200. I would apologize, but my cash-money in still in the pot. If you have issues, please take them up with Sue.

In Less-Important League News
Meanwhile, the league lost another longtime owner, Sue’s husband Dan “Spoilsport” Klinkhamer, who had his widdle fee-fees hurt last season because he had only won $625 over the previous three seasons. Dan says he wants to watch from afar rather than be angry about this team’s performance all season. I get what he’s saying, caring about his team’s performance and all, but you’d think winning an average of $200-plus a season would allow you to, you know, enjoy the league. Anyway, we know one thing for sure: Dan is guaranteed to win Jack Sierra this season.

We hate seeing the Klinkhamers go, Sue because she gave us endless amount of material with her windsocky ways, deft and wry humor, and league enthusiasms. And Dan we will miss because he gave us an endless amount of material with his being a big blowhard who complains. About. Absolutely. Everything. I mean, even after winning $625 in three seasons the dude constantly whined and complained, like he was owed some big favor because he hadn’t won more.

Come we think of it, maybe we won’t miss Dan. But, Sue, we will really miss you!

Meanwhile...

Owners, please check the
Creepy Cardinals Pitcher Death Watch Pool rosters. A lot of you selected people who were not on the Opening Day roster and do not belong in the Death Watch Pool. Get back to us with your roster replacements ASAP.

And while you’re at it, check your
regular rosters to make sure we entered them into our stats aggregator correctly. With 15 players each for 48 teams, we’re bound to make some mistakes. If we made some, let us know by telling us what we got wrong.

Finally, check out the
Magic Numbers. For one day and one day only, if you find you have a number that at least one other owner has, you can change that number to a number that no other owner has. Spots are limited so get back to us quick like.

Good luck to one and all during the 2013 season!

Standings: At-A-Glance . Overall . Division . Hitting . Pitching . Power-Hitting Pitching . HOF . Yesterday
Pay Already! . Make A Trade . Contact Us

Comments

Weston Livernois Wins 2012 SLPL HOF Death Pool! 2013 Season About to Begin

With the first pitch of last night's Astros/Rangers game, Hostile Mobs of Minecraft owner Weston Livernois was officially* crowned the 2012 winner of the Phil Rizzuto Memorial Hall-of-Fame Death Pool, thereby officially closing out the 2012 season. “I would like to thank Stan Musial for financing my 2013 season and for giving me a little extra scratch for some online gaming,” Weston said after scraping the last $150 out of the 2012 pot. “Stan’s death, while sad and disconcerting to those who knew him, brought me great, great joy. I will remember him fondly as someone who did something significant in baseball or something like that while I kick some online alien butt.”

*When we say "officially," we mean that as of right now we know of no other Hall-of-Famers who died before last night's first pitch. If news stories come through that someone kicked it before last night’s game began, we'll have to revise our officialness status and re-award the monies.

Meanwhile, league officials are busy getting ready for the 2013 season, which officially kicks off today at 1:05 pm EST, when rosters are due. "What? Today? Already?!" a hangover-laden Commissioner
Rube Furrow said today at his annual new season press conference. "Isn't there anyone in the league offices that can warn me a day or two beforehand that the season's about to begin?! I'm surrounded by boneheads."

Despite Furrow's inattention, owners have been busy submitting rosters and grabbing the final available team spots. If you haven't already done so but plan to be in the league, getchyer rosters in fast. As in 1:05 pm Eastern time fast.

For Those Interested In Such Things
Here’s how the Hall-of-Fame Death Pool points are scored: “Points are earned by subtracting the reported age of the dirt-napper at the time of his death (rounded down to the most-recent birthday) from 100 and multiplying the result by 5.”

And here’s how the Magic Number works:
The team with the Magic Number closest to the Date-of-Death (DoD) will get an extra 25 points. If that team's Magic Number matches the DoD, the team will instead get 50 extra points.

Finally, here’s the Microsoft Excel formula we used to calculate Weston’s winning Hall-of-Fame Death Pool points of 180:
=(((100-92)*5)+50)+(((100-92)*5)+50)

Weston had Stan Musial on his roster twice and hit the Magic Number, er, dead on.

Congratulations, Weston!

Now let's get the 2013 season started!
Comments

The '13 Santa Lechuga Power League Begins Tomorrow!

Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble!

The 2013 Santa Lechuga Power League (SLPL) begins tomorrow! Rosters are due by the first pitch thrown on the big Opening Day, tomorrow,Monday, April 1st. Use this form to submit your roster. If you decide to go all e-maily on us, make sure your roster includes:

  • Ten hitters, to hit the bombs.
  • Five pitchers, to throw the whiffs.
  • Five death-worthy Hall-of-Famers (Doug Harvey excluded) to pass away during the season.
  • One Magic Number (1 through 31), to break ties.
  • One current Cardinal pitcher, to die unexpectedly so the team can creepily parade his jersey around the dugout for the rest of the season and so Fox announcers can prattle endlessly about it like they just saw a bus hit a pedestrian five feet in front of them.
You already know how the scoring and payouts work. (If you need a reminder, go here and here.) Nothing's changed from last season 'cause, frankly, this league runs like a top. You know, before the top starts getting all wobbly and stuff.

Here are a several other things our veteran owners should remember...

We Dole Out the Cash
Last season alone, we spread the winning of $2,900 across 13 champs.

We Reward Handsomely When You Recruit New Owners
The first new owner you recruit will let you take $5 off your ownership fees. The second new owner you recruit will net you a free $5 trade. The third new owner will get you a free $10 trade. The fourth new owner will get you a free $15 trade. And the fifth new owner will get you a free $20 trade. Bottom line: If you recruit five new owners, the SLPL will give $5 off your ownership fees and $50 worth of free trades. So, recruit some new owners ... and tell them to cite you as their recruiter. (See here.)

We Have Ten Great Reasons to Join
The list of reasons to join the SLPL is endless, so we conveniently boiled it down to ten great reasons. (See here.)

We Award Free Trades When You Make Paid Trades
Like last season, you can earn free trades by making paid trades. Here's how it works:

For the first five (5) paid trades you make, you will get one (1) free trade. For the second five (5) paid trades you make, you will get two (2) more free trades. So, for the cost of ten (10) trades, you will get a total of 13.

(See here.)

We Have a Hall-of-Fame Death Pool
Here's how it works:

You pick five -- count 'em, five! -- Major League Baseball Hall-of-Fame inductees who have already been formally inducted at the beginning of the 2012 season. (This means that those who were selected to be inducted in the July 2012 induction ceremony are not eligible for the 2012 SLPL season.) If HOFers on your roster die, you pick up points. The team with the most points at the end of the World Series wins the pot.

To fill out your roster, you can pick one player multiple times. So, if you really wanted Joe Morgan to die, you could put him on your HOF roster as many as five times, which means you will earn five times the points should he die in a fortunate boating accident.

The Death Pool will run from Opening Day 2013 to the first pitch of Opening Day 2014. Monies will be awarded once the champ is awarded.

(See
here.)

We Have a Creepy Cardinals Pitcher Death Watch Pool ... and the Pool is Up to $1,000
Pedregoso Rios
and owner Sue Klinkhamer are personally ponying up $100 dollars apiece every season to be awarded to the SLPL owner who identifies the next Creepy Cardinals pitcher to die during the regular season or playoffs (for as long as the Cardinals are playing). Since this is season number six for Pedregoso & Sue's Creepy Cardinals Pitcher Death Watch Pool, the pool currently sits at $1,200. (See here.) UPDATE AS OF 4/1/13: We just learned that Sue Klinkhamer is no longer in the league; as a result, she is no longer sponsoring the Creepy Cardinals Death Watch Pool. This means that amount that can be won has been cut in half from what it had been in previous years.

We Need Your Roster and New Recruits by the First Pitch Thrown Tomorrow (April 1)
Getchyer rosters in by 1:05 pm Eastern time tomorrow, Monday, April 1. Getchyer new recruits recruited! And getchyer horseshoe out of the attic to bring you good luck during the season!

Pedregoso

P.S. More than half our 48 spots are already taken. Don't be left out.

Comments

Rosters Are Due Monday by 1:05 pm Eastern

Just a reminder that rosters are due this Monday by 1:05 pm Eastern time. Getchyer roster in quick-like!
Comments

Join the SLPL In Five Easy Steps

The Santa Lechuga Power League is a campy little fantasy baseball league. It’s no slick-CBS-Sportsline-type league where nobody knows anybody and everybody just wants to end up in the 51st-percentile or above. Instead, the SLPL is made up of family and friends and extended family and friends of brothers Joe and Tony Livernois, who run the thing for their own amusement and for the amusement of said family and friends. And because Jay (as his family knows him) and Tony are simple-minded goofs, they run a simple little league with big-time payouts. Points are earned using home runs and strikeouts. That's it. Oh, and as side bets, we track the heartbeats of Hall-of-Famers and Creepy Cardinals pitchers in our exclusive Death Pools. It’s that easy.

If you’re thinking about joining, here are five basic steps you need to complete to become a new owner:

Plan on joining us in 2013, wontchya? And if you’re looking for a little light reading once the season gets started, why not catch up on the
History of the SLPL or read up on the evil Bobblehead-of-Lettuce?
We hope to see you!
Comments

Ten Reasons to Join the Santa Lechuga Power League

While there are literally thousands of reasons to join the Santa Lechuga Power League -- last year alone, the number of reasons equaled $2,900 -- we have listed our favorite ten reasons here.

Several teams have already joined the league for 2013, but you have until Monday at 1:05 pm Eastern time to submit one if you haven't already done so. There are only 48 spots available, so grab your spot quick-like by using
this form.

Oh, and be sure to recruit some new owners. It's always fun to have a lot of fresh blood in the waters, er, in the league.

Good luck picking your roster. May the odds be forever in your favor.
Comments

SLPL Video: In A World Without Decent Fantasy Baseball...

The video announcing last year’s season is still fresh, especially if you haven’t seen it yet, that we have decided we don’t need to update it. So there. Besides, we don’t have that kind of time.

Remember, the Santa Lechuga Power League fills the world's gaping vacuum known as decent fantasy baseball. Now, these knuckleheads just need to sober up ...



UPDATE AS OF 4/1/13: We just learned that Sue “Buzzkill” Klinkhamer and Dan “My Wittle Fee Fees Are Hurt ‘Cause I Only Won $150 In 2012” Klinkhamer are no longer in the league. This video, then, is *really* out of date.

Comments

The '13 Santa Lechuga Power League Begins In A Week!

The 2013 Santa Lechuga Power League (SLPL) begins in 12 days! Rosters are due by the first pitch thrown on the big Opening Day, Monday, April 1st. Use this form to submit your roster. If you decide to go all e-maily on us, make sure your roster includes:
  • Ten hitters, to hit the bombs.
  • Five pitchers, to throw the whiffs.
  • Five death-worthy Hall-of-Famers (Doug Harvey excluded) to pass away during the season.
  • One Magic Number (1 through 31), to break ties.
  • One current Cardinal pitcher, to die unexpectedly so the team can creepily parade his jersey around the dugout for the rest of the season and so Fox announcers can prattle endlessly about it like they just saw a bus hit a pedestrian five feet in front of them.
You already know how the scoring and payouts work. (If you need a reminder, go here and here.) Nothing's changed from last season 'cause, frankly, this league runs like a top. You know, before the top starts getting all wobbly and stuff.

Here are a several other things our veteran owners should remember...

We Dole Out the Cash
Last season alone, we spread the winning of $2,900 across 13 champs.

We Reward Handsomely When You Recruit New Owners
The first new owner you recruit will let you take $5 off your ownership fees. The second new owner you recruit will net you a free $5 trade. The third new owner will get you a free $10 trade. The fourth new owner will get you a free $15 trade. And the fifth new owner will get you a free $20 trade. Bottom line: If you recruit five new owners, the SLPL will give $5 off your ownership fees and $50 worth of free trades. So, recruit some new owners ... and tell them to cite you as their recruiter. (See here.)

We Have Ten Great Reasons to Join
The list of reasons to join the SLPL is endless, so we conveniently boiled it down to ten great reasons. (See here.)

We Award Free Trades When You Make Paid Trades
Like last season, you can earn free trades by making paid trades. Here's how it works:

For the first five (5) paid trades you make, you will get one (1) free trade. For the second five (5) paid trades you make, you will get two (2) more free trades. So, for the cost of ten (10) trades, you will get a total of 13.

(See here.)

We Have a Creepy Cardinals Pitcher Death Watch Pool ... and the Pool is Up to $1,000
Pedregoso Rios
is personally ponying up $100 dollars every season to be awarded to the SLPL owner who identifies the next Creepy Cardinals pitcher to die during the regular season or playoffs (for as long as the Cardinals are playing). Since this is season number six for Pedregoso’s Creepy Cardinals Pitcher Death Watch Pool, the pool currently sits at $600. (See here.) UPDATE AS OF 4/1/13: We just learned that Sue Klinkhamer is no longer in the league; as a result, she is no longer sponsoring the Creepy Cardinals Death Watch Pool. This means that amount that can be won has been cut in half from what it had been in previous years.

We Have a Hall-of-Fame Death Pool
Here's how it works:

You pick five -- count 'em, five! -- Major League Baseball Hall-of-Fame inductees who have already been formally inducted at the beginning of the 2012 season. (This means that those who were selected to be inducted in the July 2012 induction ceremony are not eligible for the 2012 SLPL season.) If HOFers on your roster die, you pick up points. The team with the most points at the end of the World Series wins the pot.

To fill out your roster, you can pick one player multiple times. So, if you really wanted Joe Morgan to die, you could put him on your HOF roster as many as five times, which means you will earn five times the points should he die in a fortunate boating accident.

The Death Pool will run from Opening Day 2013 to the first pitch of Opening Day 2014. Monies will be awarded once the champ is awarded.

(See
here.)

We Need Your Roster and New Recruits by the First Pitch Thrown On Monday, April 1
Getchyer rosters in. Getchyer new recruits recruited! And getchyer horseshoe out of the attic to bring you good luck during the season!

Pedregoso

P.S. So far, we have received rosters from
Brian Thornburg and Joe Kelly. If you submitted a roster and are not listed here, please re-submit it and accept our apologies for a wonky website.
Comments

Submit Rosters Now

Even though we don’t have the ’13 Season website all created and ready to go -- we are still suffering the effects of our perpetual off-season bender -- you can submit your roster for the ’13 season by using this handy-dandy form. Do it between now and the first pitch on the full Opening Day, which will be Monday, April 1.
Comments
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