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Some Things Can't Wait 'Til Sunday

Guys, I Hate To Do This To You, Redux: Don't Go In The Water. Ever.

Tip of the ballcap -- but just barely, since he sent this just minutes after we emerged from a 16-hour tanning-bed session while we tried desperately to mentally and physically remove ourselves from any thought of water and all things H2O after stumbling on this fiasco of a creature in the animal kingdom -- to Dongwhipped owner Kevin Klinkhamer, who passed along this little horrific follow-up to Thursday’s entry.

(Click to biggerize.)

If that picture doesn’t scare the bejeebers out of you, click this link for video.

Okay, folks, let’s call this game-set-match, okay? There absolutely no need to find increasingly scarier creatures to give us a mind foxtrot, you know? We saw pictures of the testicle-eating fish. That was enough. Really. Please, don’t go sharing any more dreadful beasts with us. Our current loop of nightly night terrors doesn’t need fresh blood, so to speak. So let’s just stop this right now. As much as we love giving you people tips of the ballcap, we don’t want to encourage anyone else to inject any more visions of a hellish demise into our heads. Stop it. Just stop it.

With this Tip of the Ballcap, Kevin moves into a fourth place tie with
Brian Thornburg, Marcus Rochellle, and league follower Missy (@missyisms), all with two apiece. Jay Livernois still leads with six Tips. Joe Kelley is in second place with five. Vince Livernois is in third place with three Tips.


Guys, I Hate To Do This To You: Be Prepared To Shiver In Horror, For Parts To Recede

Before you click the following link, prepare yourself, especially if you happen to sport both an X and a Y chromosome. What you are about to click is horrific. Really. Cringe-inducing, sweat-on-your-toenails horrific. Just thinking about this article will generate a dull-thudding pain where you would rather not feel a dull-thudding. Parts will recede. The pictures will burn into your eyes like a bad plasma screen TV with your DVR paused for three weeks on Judge Judy. Your nightmares will turn into night horrors. I’m seriously not being hyperbolic.

Okay. Ready?

Click this link.

Did you click it? Because if you did, I think I now know what Stephen King must feel like whenever he releases another book into the wild.

Ever since I read that article I’ve been questioning whether I ever want to get into water again. And I don’t just mean the Seinne, which, if you ask me, they can just shut that whole thing down right now; no people or pets should be allowed within 100 meters of the Seinne for, like, ever. No, I mean I don’t know if I ever want to get in
any water ever again. Lakes. Oceans. Swimming pools. Bathtubs. Knowing that that thing exists in the world, and you think I should go in water again? What, you crazy?!


If you’re looking for me later today, I’ll be in the corner, over there, hugging myself and sobbing uncontrollably knowing that such horrors are allowed to exist in the world.


At A Circus, It's All Fun And Games Until The Music Has To End

Wait for it. Wait for it. Get to the 3:06 mark, then sit back and be absolutely horrified.


WTF Awesomeess: "Blurred Lines"

Tip of the ballcap (once again) to The Heart Is A Lonely Hunter Pence owner Joe Livernois MFs In D.C. owner Marcus Rochellle, who declared this version of “Blurred Lines” as “WTF awesomeness” shared this on Facebook back on August 2, though we missed it:

Though not a traditional Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, we cannot disagree Jay’s assessment. I actually prefer this version to the original, which you can see here:

Update: If you’re scoring at home: We don’t know how to score this Tip of the Ballcap. We gave the tip to Jay because he e-mailed it to us on August 7, which prompted us to post the video here, but since receiving Jay’s e-mail we discovered that MFs In D.C. owner Marcus Rochellle had posted this video on his Facebook wall way back on August 2. Does Jay get the full tip of the ballcap with Marcus getting to assist? Or, does Marcus get the full tip of the ballcap since he posted it to Facebook first with Jay getting the assist? To be fair, we have raided Facebook postings in the past (see here, here, here, here, and here); had we seen Marcus’ posting earlier, we likely would have posted it and given him full credit, but Jay took the extra effort and e-mailed it to us … and we always appreciate when people take the extra time to think of us.

Okay, I’m sending this one over to our official league scorer,
Jeren Livernois, owner of Punching Judy’s. Skeeter, how do you rule? Who gets the full Tip of the Ballcap?

Updated August 9: See here for Jeren’s ruling.


Nominee For Best DL Excuse Of The Season; Also, We May Be Going Dark

This story comes to us by way of The Heart Is A Lonely Hunter Pence owner Joe Livernois, who nominates this for a Monday Morning WTF?!, ‘cause some things can’t wait until Sunday. Jay nominates this for “Nominee for best DL excuse of the season …”

We looked a little deeper and discovered this interview with the injured shortstop, who appears to have been just following orders not to move as the skydivers were plowing feet-first into their faces:

So, there’s our next nominee for best DL excuse of the season. Thanks, Jay!

Meanwhile, in other news, we may or may not be going dark until Friday morning depending on whether the 8 baud modem on my Amiga 1000 can connect to the Internet from the unfortunately named Servicio de Hosteleria Industrial de Terrassa hotel in Flushing, NY, near LaGuardia and whether Norton Utilities can remove the 47 Trojan horses it’s been trying to remove since February. Watch this space for more news. Or not.



“Cutting Cheese with Sue”

I was going to save this for Sunday to feature in our wildly-popular-but-little-known Sunday Morning Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?!, but there’s just way too much WTF here to wait five days before sharing it. Watch this now, then we’ll talk through just how foxtrotted up it really is.

There are several things to note here: (1) It’s a foxtrottin’ cheese slicer! Who doesn’t know how to use a cheese slicer?! If you had never seen a cheese slicer before, you could just look at the thing when it’s in the vicinity of a block of cheese and you’d automatically know what to do with it. (2) Here’s an idea: If you’re going to do a video on how to use a cheese slicer, do something useful like explain how to avoid getting all those extra crumbles at the bottom of the slice when you’re slicing dry cheeses like the world’s best cheese ever, Dubliner. “Slicing Dry Cheeses without Crumbles.” Now that would be useful. (3) Here’s another idea: If you’re going to title your show “Cooking with Sue” but you don’t cook a thing, consider changing the name of your show. In this video we saw cheese being sliced. With a cheese slicer. There were no pots. No pans. No heat. No spatulas. No sloshing boiling oil. Sue sliced foxtrottin’ cheese! So if all you’re going to do is slice cheese, how about renaming your show to “Cutting Cheese with Sue”? (4) See #1 above.

Look, I’m all for the Internet. I love the Internet. And with the ubiquity of high-speed Internet connections, I love the fact that we can access to all sorts of excellent videos across a myriad of great topics. But this isn’t one of those excellent videos and this is a horrible topic. If you want to teach a bunch of numbskulls who don’t know how to operate a cheese slicer how to slice cheese using a cheese slicer, don’t post a YouTube video. Instead, I hear the neo-natal intensive care units at hospitals around the world are always looking for ways to keep the preemies occupied. Maybe you can go teach them. Because, let’s be real here, preemies are pretty much the only population on earth who don’t know how to operate a foxtrottin’ cheese slicer.

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How Animals Eat Their Food

This video comes by way of Commissioner Rube Furrow, who e-mailed it to us with the simple subject line, “WTF?” We agree, Rube. We agree.

Speaking of Rube, word has it that he is at this very moment scrawling his annual “Welcome to the Season” message to league owners. There’s no word as to when he’ll be ready to release his message given (1) he scrawls very, very slowly, (2) his scrawls are slightly more difficult to read than hieroglyphics, and (3) rewriting his scrawls so that they actually have something to do with the league and its owners often takes more time than it took him to scrawl the message in the first place. So I don’t know if we’re talking a week, a month, or by the All Star break, but Rube and his army of interpreters/rewriters will hopefully have something to welcome league owners by the end of the season.

Standings: At-A-Glance . Overall . Division . Hitting . Pitching . Power-Hitting Pitching . HOF . Yesterday
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