Santa Lechuga Power League:

The Best Damn Fantasy Baseball League In the Universe! (Yes. Universe.)

Joe Morgan Die!

The Season *Never* Ends; Ralph Kiner Face Plants the Baked Eggplant

Here I was, lounging around and immensely enjoying my patented and most-welcomed off-season-long bender, when the texts and e-mails started streaming in. I haven’t heard a phone rumble like that since the ’79 earthquake, which also knocked the Virgin Mary off the shelf in my mom’s kitchen. (True story.) As I tried desperately to pull myself out of the fog of my alcohol stupor, I kept wondering why people would be trying to reach me so desperately during my patented and most-welcomed off-season-long bender. But as I reached for my phone, it suddenly occurred to me: A Hall-of-Famer must have died! I mean, outside of asking when their championship winnings will be delivered, that’s the only reason during the off-season that anyone tries to reach me.

And I was right!

Ralph Kiner did me the courtesy today of reminding me that I am still running a dopey little fantasy baseball league, even during the off-season, by up and dying after 91 long years on this planet. Deaths like this -- namely, of a Hall-of-Famer -- almost always causes one-third of the owners in this league to contact me immediately to celebrate the too-infrequent death of a Hall-of-Famer.

Though an HOFer died -- the first during the 2013 season and, wouldn’t you know, an off-season death -- not all the news was good. I couldn’t find my trusty spreadsheet. I couldn’t find my blogging file. Hell, I couldn’t even find my Tandy 2000 computer. What was I going to do? How was I going to notify the rest of the league that I got their messages? That HOF points were scored? That I was alive and still running this dopey league?

Fortunately, as the fog of inebriation cleared my head for the first time since the World Series ended, I remembered that I lent my computer to my ingrate of a cousin, Pedro, who has been trying to start up a lucrative Internet company that involves working with an African king to try to give away millions of dollars if only you’ll give him your bank account number. Further fortunately, Pedro was in a bit of his own stupor when I went to his house, so I stepped over him, unplugged my computer, and brought it home, which is where I am writing the good news that Ralph Kiner has done us the courtesy of awarding points towards the previously depleted Hall-of-Fame Death Pool.

Unfortunately,
Joe Livernois, owner of The Heart is a Lonely Hunter Pence, earned the most Kiner points, 95 total, 45 for the eggplant face plant, another 50 for hitting the Magic Number 6 dead-on, so to speak. We say “unfortunately” because Joe has already earned $375 this season for being the All-Star Champ, the Playoff Champ, and for winning the Pitching Champ monies. If he is crowned the HOF Death Pool -- 125 clams -- that would push him to $500, which is more than our Overall Champ and Regular Season Champs, Kevin Klinkhamer and Paul Martin, won, which just can’t happen. No one in this league can earn more than the Overall and Regular Season Champs. Fact. So, if Joe wins the HOF Death pool, we may have to take his Pitching Champ monies away and give them to Puck the Fackers owner Brendan Butts, who came in third place to Joe’s second place and Kevin’s first place. Or something. Several teams earned points for Ralph Kiner’s death, so maybe they can overtake Joe before the first pitch of the 2014 season. Let’s hope so. I have all my chips on Joe Morgan.

If you didn’t score points for Ralph Kiner’s death, don’t fret. There are still plenty of Hall-of-Famers who aren’t life challenged and there are an incalculable number of ways they can still face-plant the baked eggplant before the first pitch of the ’14 season. Fingers crossed!

Meanwhile, if you get an e-mail from Pedro telling you that he has this cool offer from a African king, please just ignore it.
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Final 2013 Champs and Money Winners Announced; Jim Cummings Cup Unveiled

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Longtime league owner Kevin Klinkhamer of Dongwhipped was crowned the 2013 SLPL Overall Champion Wednesday night after the Boston Red Sox finished off the St. Louis Cardinals in the World Series. “This is for 2006, suckas! And (Cameltowing, Inc. owner) David ‘Eddie’ Edison can get bent!” Kevin shouted during his champagne shower in the Dongwhipped locker room, referring to the fact that Eddie overtook Kevin during the 2006 World Series to win the 2006 SLPL Championship.

“I’m proud of this team. So proud,” Kevin said. “We couldn’t get a break to overtake (Cabbage Farmers owner)
Paul Martin the whole season, but we somehow found a way to break through the final week of the season. And when Paul moved into first during the playoffs, I just figured it was a repeat of Ought-Six and I would have to make due with Regular Season champ. But the ‘Whipped found a way to overtake him again during the World Series. Amazing, I tell you. Amazing.”

Commissioner
Rube Furrow was on hand to present Kevin his due accolades and unveil a new championship coffee mug. “Kevin, I’m proud to present you with the Jim Cummings Cup, named after the 2005 Overall Champ and recently-deceased Jim Cummings in honor of winning the Overall SLPL Championship,” Rube said. “Jim would have been excited to see how you won this championship, coming from behind in the Regular Season and again in the Playoffs to win both the Regular Season and Overall Championships. He loved a good competition and he would have been impressed by your performance this season.”

In addition to being crowned Overall Champ, with his win Kevin collects a cool four-hundred-and-fifty-five clams from
The Pot.

Cabbage Farmers owner Paul Martin, for coming in second during both the Regular Season and Overall standings, also won $455.

Meanwhile, The Heart is a Lonely Hunter Pence owner
Joe Livernois was crowned the Playoffs Champ after taking over the top spot just days before. With that win, Joe pulled $125 out of The Pot.

Here are all the official champs and final payouts for the 2013 season:

2013 Champs

End-of-Season Champs
Overall Champ: Kevin Klinkhamer, Dongwhipped
Playoff Champ: Joe Livernois, The Heart is a Lonely Hunter Pence

2013 Regular Season Champs
Regular Season Champ: Kevin Klinkhamer, Dongwhipped
Hitting Champ:
Paul Martin, Cabbage Farmers
Pitching Champ:
Kevin Klinkhamer, Dongwhipped
Power-Hitting Pitchers Champ:
Weston Livernois, Weston's Warriors
All-Star Champ:
Joe Livernois, The Heart is a Lonely Hunter Pence
Arugula Division Champ:
Dave Adrian, Cain I Lincecum in Ur Posey
Cripshead Division Champ:
Vince Livernois, Chente
Endive Division Champ:
Joe Kelly, Kershawshank Redemption
Frisee Division Champ:
Kevin Klinkhamer, Dongwhipped
Radicchio Division Champ:
Paul Martin, Cabbage Farmers
Romaine Division Champ:
Jeff Burns, Valley Bombers
Spinach Division Champ:
Kyle Harmon, Puigin' It Real!
Swiss Chard Division Champ:
Rick Coppock, Highlanders

2013 Final Payoffs
$455 - Kevin Klinkhamer, Dongwhipped - Overall Champ
$455 - Paul Martin, Cabbage Farmers - Regular Season Champ (a.k.a., next most deserving team for having won 2nd place both Overall and Regular Season, replaces Kevin Klinkhamer as money winner)

$375 - Joe Livernois, The Heart is a Lonely Hunter Pence - All-Star Champ + Playoff Champ + Pitching Champ (a.k.a., next most deserving team, replaces Kevin Klinkhamer as money winner)

$225 - Weston Livernois, Weston's Warriors - Power-Hitting Pitchers Champ + Division Champ (a.k.a., next most deserving PHP team, replaces Paul Martin as the money winner of Radicchio Division)
$225 - Joe Kelly, Kershawshank Redemption - Endive Division Champ + Hitting Champ (a.k.a., next most deserving team, replaces Kevin Klinkhamer and Paul Martin as the money winner)

$100 - Dave Adrian, Cain I Lincecum in Ur Posey - Arugula Division Champ
$100 - Vince Livernois, Chente - Cripshead Division Champ
$100 - Jeff Burns, Valley Bombers - Romaine Division Champ
$100 - Kyle Harmon, Puigin' It Real! - Spinach Division Runner-Up
$100 - Rick Coppock, Highlanders - Swiss Chard Division Champ
$100 - Tony Livernois, Pepino Monos - Division Champ (a.k.a., next most deserving Division team, replaces winner Kevin Klinkhamer as money winner of Frisee Division)

There's still one payout to be made for the 2013 season since we extend our
Hall-of-Fame Death Pool for each season until the beginning of the next season. This means that we will start next season by handing out a check to our final 2013 winner. No one currently leads 'cause no HOFers have expired this season, but we are really hoping to catch a few quality HOF deaths between now and the beginning of next season.

Congratulations to Kevin Klinkhamer and his Dongwhipped and congrats to all our 2013 champs and money winners. And thanks to all of you for joining us for a most-excellent season. We look forward to seeing you all next year.

Pedregoso

P.S. If you haven't paid your ownership and trade fees, get on it already! We need to cut some championship checks! (Check
Who Owes What to see what you owe. And if you've already paid and we haven't noted it, please let us know.) Send your check to:

Joe Livernois
459 Echo Valley Road
Salinas, CA 93907

If it's more convenient, you can pay your derelict debt using PayPal.

P.P.S. IMPORTANT MESSAGE TO ALL WINNERS: Please respond with your preferred snail mail address so Rube can send your check. But before you do that, check the Who Owes What page to see if you actually owe monies for trades even after winning. Many of our Division winners still own money.

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Kevin Klinkhamer Crowned 2013 Santa Lechuga Power League Overall Champ

mlb-world-series

Dongwhipped owner Kevin Klinkhamer has won the 2013 Santa Lechuga Power League Overall Championship. The Heart is a Lonely Hunter Pence owner Joe Livernois has won the Playoff Championship. A full report, including more about Kevin celebrations and details on our final money winners, will come later Thursday.

In the meantime, congratulations to Kevin and Joe!

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Klinkhamer Extends Overall Lead; Joe Livernois Takes Lead In Playoffs Standings

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Kevin Klinkhamer, owner of Dongwhipped, added 100 points to his lead in the Overall Standings on Adam Wainwright’s 10 K performance Monday night. The Heart is a Lonely Hunter Pence owner Joe Livernois, meanwhile, took over 1st place in the Playoffs Standings. There may not be a lot of players left in the playoffs, but we are definitely getting some action in the standings from those who remain. Will things change again before the World Series is over? Stay tuned.


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Kevin Klinkhamer Moves Into First. Again.

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With last night’s action, our Regular Season Champ, Dongwhipped owner Kevin Klinkhamer, has moved back into first place, overtaking Cabbage Farmers owner Paul Martin. With the World Series tied up at two games apiece, there are at least two games left to be played, which could make things interesting, but right now Kevin is in position to be crowned Overall Champ, too, which would be quite a feat. Stay tuned.

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Nothing More Fun Than Listening To A Red Sox Fan Whine

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The umpires got the call right. But even if they didn’t, having them make the call in the first place is totally worth it because we get to listen to Red Sox fans cry and whine and stomp and act all Pedroia. Suck it, Red Sox fans.

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And You Call *Me* Irreverent?

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I have been called irreverent. More than once. More than once on major holidays. More than once by multiple people in the same hour. More than once by multiple people on a major holiday within the same hour within a single exchange.

They know me too well, I admit. I don’t always show “respect for people or things that are generally taken seriously,” which is a common definition of reverence.

I have my reasons. The biggest being that I don’t always agree with what others generally take seriously. So when I go all irreverent on someone’s Alpha, it’s because I don’t agree that the target of my ire should be taken seriously. My rule of thumb: Ridicule is an appropriate response to the ridiculous.

And until last night, I thought I was the master of irreverence. I’ve been told as much. More than once. By multiple people on a major holiday within the same hour within a single exchange.

Then last night happened.

I won’t give away the name so as to protect the irreverent, but here are just a few quotes from texts I received from one of my favorite people on earth, who also happens to be an SLPL owner, during last night’s World Series:

“Foxtrot Boston!”

“Why do I need to be reminded of a Foxtrotting tragedy?”

“I’m Foxtrotting trying to get my mind off serious Sierra over here.”

“Foxtrotting heroes!”

“Running 26 miles and you take a little shrapnel and I’m supposed to [redacted] you?”

And, finally: “I’m tired of seeing Pedroia’s facial tic.”

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is irreverence. I’m thinking about just conceding right here and now. I will
never be that good.

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Who Cares?

mlb-world-series

The World Series has started and we could not care less. Don’t get us wrong. We care about the SLPL and how that will shake out, but we couldn’t care less about the World Series itself. If you’re like us, pay attention to the SLPL Overall Standings and our Playoffs Standings. And do your best to ignore Joe Buck and Tim McCarver.

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It's Going To Be A Low Scoring World Series

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It’s going to be a low scoring World Series. In the Santa Lechuga Power League. I don’t know what’s going to happen in the MLB, but for the SLPL points are going to be difficult to come by. With the Dodgers and Tigers out of the picture, the SLPL is left with just six total players participating int the Fall Classic: Mike Napoli, David Ortiz, Matt Adams, Carlos Beltran, Clay Buchholz, and Adam Wainwright. There are so few World Series players that many teams have no active players playing. But for those who do still have players, it will be interesting to see how things shake out in the Overall Standings and in the Playoffs Standings. Meanwhile, we are going dark until Wednesday night, the first game of the World Series, or first thing Thursday morning. This is for sure (unless something earthshaking happens and we want to comment on it) and not just a possibility. So there.

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Luvs Me Some Defense

2013 Postseason

Tip of the Ballcap to Cornborro T-Birds owner Brian Thornburg, who via Facebook passed along this video with the comment “Luvs me some defense … even Papi gives the props.”


With this Tip of the Ballcap, Brian re-ties Kevin Klinkhamer and moves into 2nd place with six Tips apiece. Jay Livernois is in 1st with seven Tips. Joe Kelley is in third place with five Tips. Vince Livernois is in 4th place with three Tips. Marcus Rochellle and league follower Missy (@missyisms) each have two Tips.

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Even Joe Buck Can't Take Tim McCarver Anymore

2013 Postseason

And just like that, on the power of Adrian Gonzalez’s two homers Wednesday night, Cabbage Farmers owner Paul Martin has re-taken 1st place in the Overall Standings. Props to Paul for the deft end-of-season trades, where he picked up Gonzalez using a free trade. The question, though, is whether or not he’ll be able to hold onto the top spot through the rest of the Division Series and an entire World Series.

Tip of the Ballcap to league leader, uber-Pearl Jam fan, and Dongwhipped owner Kevin Klinkhamer, who passed along this link and GIF while making this observation: “Even Joe Buck can't take Tim McCarver anymore...and that's saying something!”

buck-high-five

With this Tip of the Ballcap, Kevin moves into 2nd place all by himself with six Tips. Jay Livernois is in 1st with seven Tips. Brian Thornburg and Joe Kelley are in third place with five Tips apiece. Vince Livernois is in 4th place with three Tips. Marcus Rochellle and league follower Missy (@missyisms) each have two Tips.

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And Just Like That, Paul Martin's Back In 1st!

2013 Postseason

And just like that, on the power of Adrian Gonzalez’s two homers Wednesday night, Cabbage Farmers owner Paul Martin has re-taken 1st place in the Overall Standings. Props to Paul for the deft end-of-season trades, where he picked up Gonzalez using a free trade. The question, though, is whether or not he’ll be able to hold onto the top spot through the rest of the Division Series and an entire World Series.

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Not Dark, But We're Near Dark

2013 Postseason

Yes, we’re posting stats and standings during the playoffs while in North Carolina, but that’s pretty much it. So sue us.

We May Be Going Dark, Part Too Many

2013 Postseason

Come Tuesday morning, we may or may not be going dark again, depending on whether or not Charlotte, NC, has received the benefit of high speed Internet yet. We know the Carolinas have had problems working their way into the 19th century politically, but we don’t know if they lag that far technologically. If Charlotte is still trying to grapple with the advent of the telegraph or even the modem, the SLPL will be dark through Friday. We really hope that doesn’t happen.

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Kyle Harmon Making Real Run At Kevin Klinkhamer

2013 Postseason

Puigin' It Real! owner Kyle Harmon is making a real run at the Overall Standings and leads the Playoffs Standings by 81 points. Given their playoffs rosters, it should be interesting to see if Regular Season Champ Kevin Klinkhamer, owner of Dongwhipped, can fend off Kyle’s charge.

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Cubs Fans Finally Have 48 Reasons To Watch World Series

2013 Postseason

Tip of the Ballcap to league leader, uber-Pearl Jam fan, and Dongwhipped owner Kevin Klinkhamer, who passed along this piece of good news with the comment “48 (Pearl Jam) songs!?!? Well, at least one thing won't suck about the World Series.”

With this Tip of the Ballcap, Kevin moves into a three-way 2nd place tie with Brian Thornburg and
Joe Kelley with five Tips apiece. Jay Livernois is in 1st with seven Tips. Vince Livernois is in 3rd place all alone with three Tips. Marcus Rochellle and league follower Missy (@missyisms) each have two Tips.

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We Have That Going For Us

2013 Postseason

Still not a lot of content here after the Wild Card and Division Series, but we are still updating and posting stats and standings during the playoffs. So. We have that going for us.

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Nothin'

I got nothin’.
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Never Go With A Hippie To A Second Location

Many who attended the Hardly Strictly Bluegrass Festival are referring to this photo as the Zupruder shot. This, they say, is where the head came off.

Zapruder
Rube Furrow and Pedregoso Rios enjoy a cupcake that
the nice hippie girl made just for them

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Holy Sierra!

This comes by way of Cabbage Farmers owner Paul Martin: “Holy Sierra! Without that cookie duster, Jay looks like your mom!”

Y13_8692 copy

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Experiences. We Had Them

Y13_8692

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Standings And Stats

2013 Postseason


Not a lot of content here, but we are updating
stats and standings during the playoffs. So we have that going for us.

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Brothers

Yeah. So. This happened.

Hardly Strictly
Tony, Sam, Jay, and Vince at
Hardly Strictly Fest

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We May Be Going Dark (Or To The Hardly Strictly Festival)

2013 Postseason


To nurse my wounds over the Cleveland Indians' spectacular one-game flameout, I'm headed to Northern California to cry in the arms of my brothers, Jay, Sam, and Vince, go to the wildy-popular
Hardly Strictly Fest, go my niece Hannah's identical triplets babies shower, return to the Hardly Strictly Fest, and then attend a three-day course starting next Tuesday. So, yeah. We may be going dark for a week.

But never fear. I have my trusty Tandy 800, a 4-baud modem, and a determination to keep this league running even if it's by sticks and duct tap. But should my determination falter, my liver finally give out, or my brothers not provide any comfort, the league will go dark until I return.

In the meantime, you get out, too, willya? Get some fresh air. Enjoy the sun on your skin and turn that pasty white a little bronze. And have a great week!


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One And Done … So, How About My Vikings?

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I’ve been so caught up in this Cleveland Indians playoff run that I barely even noticed that the NFL season has begun. After tonight’s
debacle of a Wild Card Game -- summarized perfectly by my brother Jay Livernois who said: “Welcome to my world. Runners all over the basepaths ... no outs ... hope reigns eternal ... and no one scores. That's been the Giants' MO all year. The worst sort of frustration.” -- maybe I can find some solace in football. So, how are my Minnesota Vikings looking this season?


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Playoff Stats And Standings Posted

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The playoffs have begun, our spreadsheet has been updated, and
Playoff standings and stats are now posted online. Besides the Playoffs standings, we have Overall Standings, Playoff Hitting Stats, and Playoff Pitching Stats. We are also updating stats team-by-team, so take a look at your playoff roster to make sure we got everything right. Stats for the entire playoffs are recorded manually in this league, so do us a favor and let us know ASAP if we got something wrong.


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Ditch The Sparkling Grape Juice, Kevin Klinkhamer, You Are Now Officially The 2013 Regular Season Champ

Dongwhipped owner Kevin Klinkhamer can put away the sparkling grape juice and break out with the champagne. He has officially won the 2013 Santa Lechuga Power League Regular Season Championship. A lot can be said about Kevin’s season, but we already said some of it yesterday and we have more pressing business to attend to, like how are we going to convince him to use some of his winnings to buy a few rounds of drinks and a meal for league officials and soon. But congrats to Kevin. That was a hell of a season!

Here’s the complete list of champs crowned at the end of last night’s action, which marked the official end of the 2013 Regular Season:
  • Arugula Division Champ: Cain I Lincecum in Ur Posey, Dave Adrian
  • Cripshead Division: Chente Vince Livernois
  • Endive Division Champ: Kershawshank Redemption, Joe Kelly
  • Frisee Division Champ: Dongwhipped, Kevin Klinkhamer
  • Radicchio Division Champ: Cabbage Farmers, Paul Martin
  • Romaine Division Champ: Valley Bombers, Jeff Burns
  • Spinach Division Champ: Puigin' It Real!, Kyle Harmon
  • Swiss Chard Division Champ: Highlanders, Rick Coppock
  • Hitting Champ: Cabbage Farmers, Paul Martin
  • Pitching Champ: Dongwhipped, Kevin Klinkhamer
  • Power-Hitting Pitchers Champ: Weston's Warriors, Weston Livernois
  • Regular Season Champ: Dongwhipped, Kevin Klinkhamer
Congratulations to Kevin Klinkhamer and to all our Regular Season champs!

(By the way,
actual money winners will be announced at the end of the playoffs, when the Overall Champ is crowned.)

In Other News
After tepid last-minute trading, owners can no longer make any trades for the 2013 season.

More In Other News
Have you paid for your ownership fees and trades? If not, get on it already. We need to pay our champs, after all.

Still More In Other News
The playoffs are about to begin.

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Still More In Other News
Y’all need to know how points are awarded during the Wild Card and Divisional Playoffs. Here’s how:

  • Hitters earn 20 points for every home run hit
  • Hitters lose 2 points for every K
  • Pitchers earn 2 points for every K
  • Pitchers lose 10 points for every homer surrendered
Good luck to all y’alls during the playoffs!


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Kevin Klinkhamer (Unofficially) Crowned 2013 Regular Season Champ

Dongwhipped owner Kevin Klinkhamer, who was in first place for only nine days this season while trailing Cabbage Farmers owner Paul Martin for most of it, made deft moves and had a little bit of luck to ultimately overcome Paul in the final days of the season to (unofficially) win the 2013 Regular Season Championship.

“I was convinced Tulow would go yard in his last at bat and spoil everything,” Kevin said as he was being doused with sparkling grape juice. “When he walked, I knew I had won. I still can’t believe it.”

Asked about the sparkling grape juice, Kevin said, “Yeah, I’m gonna wait until it’s official to break out with the champagne.”

Kevin being crowned Regular Season Champ is not yet official because the regular season is not officially over yet;
Tampa Bay and Texas are playing a one-game playoff today to determine who will play in Wednesday’s Wild Card playoff. But as best as our math-challenged and tequila-addled brains can figure, there is no way for Paul to overcome Kevin’s 5-point lead since they share the same Rays and Rangers players. Having said that, we aren’t making it official just in case we are missing something or in case some 3rd or 4th place team goes on a tear during today’s action.

This is the second time Kevin has been crowned Regular Season Champ.
He last won in 2006. When asked if he was going to win the Overall Championship, Kevin said, “Who cares? We win the same amount. Besides, winnings from the Regular Season spends exactly the same as winnings from Overall.”

Meanwhile, with the Regular Season still officially going, folks can still make trades to prepare for the playoffs. This includes owners who have free trades coming.
Best as we can tell, the following teams have earned free trades that they have not yet used:
  • 1C The Pathetics (1), Ray Jasutis
  • 1D Cain I Lincecum in Ur Posey (13), Dave Adrian
  • 2C Chente (2), Vince Livernois
  • 3C Weston's Warriors (3), Weston Livernois
  • 4A Sandyeggo Padres (15), Jack Tripp
  • 6E Valley Bombers (8), Jeff Burns
  • 8A Highlanders (1), Rick Coppock
  • 8D Peanunski (29), Stephanie Wigton
  • 8E Golden Sombreros (9), Brandon Olivarria
Using a free trade cannot hurt you in any way. Make your trade before the last out of today’s one-game playoff.


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Final Day Of The Regular Season. Kinda. Sorta. Maybe.

Horse Race Update: Dongwhipped owner Kevin Klinkhamer added a single point to his Overall lead after yesterday’s action and now holds a 3-point lead in the Overall Standings over Cabbage Farmers owner Paul Martin. There is one day left in the regular season, not counting any playoff games to determine the AL Wild Card participants.

Today is the last day of the Regular Season, the day we crown the Regular Season Champ along with a whole host of other champs! Well, actually, today is the last
scheduled day of the Regular Season. If things go to hell in the AL Wild Card race -- seriously, just check out the various scenarios -- Monday and Tuesday could provide some real craziness. But let’s just assume, for the sake of sanity, that today is the last day of the Regular Season so that we can communicate what needs to be communicated at the end of a Regular Season just in case today is actually and for reals the last day of the Regular Season. Got that?

Okay, here’s what you need to know: With the end of the Regular Season comes the end of trading for the season. From our
trade rules: “Trading ends when the Regular Season ends, which is with the final out made of the final game played on the final day of the season (including any playoff games to determine Division or Wild Card winners).”

For those of you that have earned free trades, it’ll cost you nothing to make those trades, but you have to make ‘em before the final out of the final game of the Regular Season season, whenever the hell that is; after that, those free trades are lost to the ether.

By my calculations, 14 teams have earned a total of 26 free trades; several teams have already used free trades, but many still have free trades due them. Why lose those? You may as well pick up a dark horse for the playoffs that no one else has just to see if he can get you to the promised land.
So, get your final trades to me, STAT!


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Exit Sandman

Horse Race Update: Dongwhipped owner Kevin Klinkhamer has once again bounced into 1st place after yesterday’s action and holds a 2-point lead in the Overall Standings over Cabbage Farmers owner Paul Martin. There are two days left in the regular season, not counting any playoff games to determine the AL Wild Card participants.

Tip of the Ballcap to Carrboro T-Birds owner
Brian Thornburg, who via Facebook linked to Yankee closer Mariano Rivera’s send-off at Yankee Stadium and commented, “Just this once, there can be crying in baseball … congrats to Mariano Rivera. Exit Sandman.”



Even for those of us who consider ourselves confirmed despisers of the Yankees, we have to agree that
that was one hell of a sendoff. I particularly love how the announcers just shut their traps and just let the event play out.

With this Tip of the Ballcap, Brian ties
Joe Kelley in 2nd place with five Tips. Jay Livernois is in 1st with seven Tips. Kevin Klinkhamer is in 3rd place with four. Vince Livernois is in 4th place all alone with three Tips. Marcus Rochellle and league follower Missy (@missyisms) each have two Tips.


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Looks Friendly? I Think Not!

Horse Race Update: Cabbage Farmers owner Paul Martin has jumped back in front of Dongwhipped owner Kevin Klinkhamer and holds a 1-point lead in the Overall Standings. And, we’re coming down the stretch …

Tip of the Ballcap to Carrboro T-Birds owner
Brian Thornburg, who via Facebook sent us the following video with this message: “No, you STILL can't beat fun at the old ballpark … Hey, Pedregoso -- let the folks on SLPL see THIS one!”



With this Tip of the Ballcap, Brian ties
Kevin Klinkhamer in 3rd place with four Tips. Jay Livernois is in 1st with seven Tips. Joe Kelley is in 2nd has five Tips. Vince Livernois is in 4th place all alone with three Tips. Marcus Rochellle and league follower Missy (@missyisms) each have two Tips.


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The Most Useless Website On The Internet, Part 12

Horse Race Update: Dongwhipped owner Kevin Klinkhamer now holds a 3-point lead in the Overall Standings over Cabbage Farmers owner Paul Martin. The team with the most points at the end of the regular season (including any necessary tiebreaker games) will be crowned the Regular Season Champ.

Tip of the Ballcap to The Heart is a Lonely Hunter Pence owner
Jay Livernois, who gets into the spirit of sharing uselessness by sharing this stunningly useless website, the latest entry in our increasingly popular Most Useless Website On the Internet series.

With this Tip of the Ballcap, Jay extends his lead with seven Tips.
Joe Kelley has five Tips. Kevin Klinkhamer has four. Brian Thornburg and Vince Livernois are tied for 4th place with three Tips apiece. Marcus Rochellle and league follower Missy (@missyisms) each have two Tips.


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Two. Points. The Other Way. Klinkhamer Takes Over First Place

Two points. The other way. On yesterday’s action -- and with just five days of baseball left -- Dongwhipped, owned by Kevin Klinkhamer, jumped into first place in the Overall Standings, leapfrogging perpetual leader Cabbage Farmers, owned by Paul Martin. Can Paul retake the lead? Or will Kevin hold on and be crowned the Regular Season Champ? Stay tuned for a great ending to the 2013 Regular Season!


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Fun

Gotta love it when a perpetual loser finally prevails. Maybe that will happen for me in the SLPL some day.


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Two. Points.

Two points. With seven days of baseball left, that’s all that separates second place Dongwhipped, owned by Kevin Klinkhamer, from first place Cabbage Farmers, owned by Paul Martin. Two points. An entire season where Paul pretty much owned the top spot, but Kevin has been relentlessly nipping at his heels and is now in a position to make Paul really sweat for these final days. Can Kevin overtake Paul? Or will Paul hold on and be crowned the Regular Season Champ? Stay tuned.


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Sunday Morning WTF?! Where Did The Season Go? Redux

I just realized that I can just repeat last week’s Sunday Morning WTF?! and it would be just as relevant, so here goes, with key information updated…

There are exactly
eight days of Regular Season baseball left for the 2013 season. The Pot is up to $2,640. We have received $1,125 in payments. There are still players on the disabled list or suspended for the season. You still have time to make trades. Every Hall-of-Famer who began the season drawing a pension and breath is still drawing a pension and breath. No Creepy Cardinals Pitchers have taken the dirt nap. And Cabbage Farmers owner Paul Martin is leading in the Overall Standings, as he has most of the season.

All that said, where the hell did the season go?! One day we are announcing
that the season is about to begin, the next we are announcing that there is one week left. Oh, sure, we remember that some things actually happened during the season, like we thought we might go dark a number of times due to travel, hanky computers with various afflictions, and bad Internet connections at horrible hotels, but it never happened. We found lots and lots of useless websites, declaring each the most useless of all. Punching Judy’s owner Jeren Livernois became the league’s official scorer and made some key rulings. And we have Tipped Our Ballcap a number of times to lots of folks for contributing to this blog by referring us to good stuff on the Intertubes. But still, it seems like just yesterday that we were looking forward to the new season, and now we are soon going to be looking forward to a new season again.

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, Regular Season?!?! You just started and now you’re almost over. W!? T!? F!?


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Give That Fan A Contract

Tip of the Ballcap to Dongwhippped owner Kevin Klinkhamer, who finally shares a rainbows-and-unicorns story that doesn’t involve alligators the size of RVs, testicle eating monkeys, or snakes on the motherfoxtrottin’ toilet.




That this story happened in Cleveland as the Indians were sliding into contention for a Wild Card playoff berth makes me even more fond of this story. Thanks, Kevin. Almost all is forgiven.

With this Tip of the Ballcap, Kevin takes over 3rd place all alone with four.
Jay Livernois leads with six. Joe Kelley has five Tips. Brian Thornburg and Vince Livernois are tied for 4th place with three Tips apiece. Marcus Rochellle and league follower Missy (@missyisms) each have two Tips.


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Grampaul Martin's Cabbage Farmers Ahead By Just Eight Points

What the what?! Here I am, minding my own business, watching the Regular Season pass with no neverminds, just figuring that Cabbage Farmers owner Paul Martin would win it all. Dude’s been in first place nearly uncontested nearly the entire season, so who’s to think he’s gonnna lose the lead in the final two weeks of the season?

Then, boom!

I glance at the standings this morning and Dongwhipped owner
Kevin Klinkhamer is just eight points out of first place in the Overall Standings. This changes things, doesn’t it? Attention must be paid. Kevin just might overtake Paul.

Ah, man, Kevin, do you really want to do that? Paul just became a grandfather. Grampaul Martin has toys and clothes and diapers and accessories to buy the young one. You want to take all that away from an infant? Really?!

Grampaul Martin
Former SLPL owner Brian with Grampaul Martin holding the Little One


To be fair to Kevin, though, any monies won by Grampaul will just as likely go toward getting another keg of Guinness for his indoor tap so that he can celebrate the birth of his new grandkid, so go ahead, make it competitive!

Standings: At-A-Glance . Overall . Division . Hitting . Pitching . All-Star . All-Star Stats . PHP . HOF . Yesterday
Pay Already! . Make A Trade . Contact Us


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Dumbsierras Got What They Deserved

“Look,” I said, “if you absolutely must move the frame for this year’s Christmas lights to the other side of the stadium, please don’t walk through the middle of the bullring, especially if there’s a bullfight going on. Just walk it around the outside of the stadium.” The dumbsierras got what they deserved, if you ask me.

eYWYjFg


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Eagle's-Eye View

Holy crap, this is awesome! I could watch it all day.



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(Better Not) Call Saul

He knows a cool band when he hears one, but he knows Jack Sierra about making music videos.



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Kindness

Be kind.




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Sunday Morning WTF?! Where Did The Season Go?

There are exactly 15 days of Regular Season baseball left for the 2013 season. The Pot is up to $2,635. We have received $880 in payments. There are still players on the disabled list or suspended for the season. You still have time to make trades. Every Hall-of-Famer who began the season drawing a pension and breath is still drawing a pension and breath. No Creepy Cardinals Pitchers have taken the dirt nap. And Cabbage Farmers owner Paul Martin is leading in the Overall Standings, as he has most of the season.

All that said, where the hell did the season go?! One day we are announcing
that the season is about to begin, the next we are announcing that there are two weeks left. Oh, sure, we remember that some things actually happened during the season, like we thought we might go dark a number of times due to travel, hanky computers with various afflictions, and bad Internet connections at horrible hotels, but it never happened. We found lots and lots of useless websites, declaring each the most useless of all. Punching Judy’s owner Jeren Livernois became the league’s official scorer and made some key rulings. And we have Tipped Our Ballcap a number of times to lots of folks for contributing to this blog by referring us to good stuff on the Intertubes. But still, it seems like just yesterday that we were looking forward to the new season, and now we are soon going to be looking forward to a new season again.

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, Regular Season?!?! You just started and now you’re almost over. W!? T!? F!?


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Friendly Reminder

Dear Deadbeats:

Commissioner
Rube Furrow can't help but notice that a great number of Santa Lechuga team ownership groups are in deep arrears in the payment department. You know who you are. But if you don't, Rube suggests you review the depths of your debt by checking this link.

And after you've wrapped yourself in appropriate shame, please submit your payments forthwith or else Rube will be required to refer your case to SLPL attorney Saul Goodman. Saul knows a guy who knows a guy who has a brother who can make your life very uncomfortable for a very long time. You wouldn't want that.

Please send checks, money-orders or unmarked bills, payable to Joe Livernois, to 459 Echo Valley Road, Salinas, CA 93907.

Or you can send your owings like the big boys through PayPal by
using this link. Add the right combo of owner fees and trade fees to your cart and then check out.

payloom-5-thumbnail_1 payloom-4-thumbnail_1 payloom-3-thumbnail_1 payloom-2-thumbnail_1 payloom-1-thumbnail_1


Thanks in advance, and don't make us call Saul.

Rube


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Tensions Mounting, Redux: Vicarious and Vicious Nut-Crushing

Tip of the Ballcap to Dongwhippped owner Kevin Klinkhamer, who with yet another nut-crushing story seems intent on making the men of this league feel vicarious and vicious nut crushing pain. Here’s what he says: “The link (Carrboro T-Birds owner) Brian (Thornburg) sent in was great. But even better was the home run hit a couple of innings earlier that caused the eventual brouhaha. Gattis stared a bit too long at this HR and that is why Fernandez pimped it up after hitting his HR. However, the best part of the HR is where it landed. This clown literally watches the ball fly right into his crotch.”

Nut Crushing

No fun! No fun! No fun!

Kevin continued. “I could go on and on about this guy but won't waste my time as he is a Marlins fan and that will suffice for now. And much props to the commenter who chimed in with ‘The home run was measured at 395 feet, 3.5 inches.’”

Okay, that alone was worth the vicious and vicarious pain. Thanks, Kevin!

With this Tip of the Ballcap, Kevin moves into a 3rd place tie with Brian Thornburg and
Vince Livernois with three Tips apiece. Jay Livernois leads with six. Joe Kelley has five Tips. Marcus Rochellle and league follower Missy (@missyisms) each have two Tips.


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Tensions Mounting

Tip of the Ballcap to Carrboro T-Birds owner Brian Thornburg, who shared (via Facebook) this video with the comment “You can't beat fun at the old ballpark …”



Fun, fun, fun!

Personally, I’m going to give the “W” in this little battle to Jose Fernandez.

With this Tip of the Ballcap, Brian moves into a 3rd place tie with
Vince Livernois with three Tips apiece. Jay Livernois leads with six. Joe Kelley has five Tips. Kevin Klinkhamer, Marcus Rochellle and league follower Missy (@missyisms) each have two Tips.


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Cat Laser Pong

I could watch this all day.

SbW8sEh


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Just A Reminder: The Regular Season Ends September 29th

We are not too far from the end of the Regular Season. Now would be a good time to start getting your roster ready for a playoff run. Make trades.


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The Most Useless Website On The Internet, Part 11

Yeah, see. This is useless.


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Sunday Morning WTF?! You Despise Us! You Really, Really Despise Us!

We don’t ask for a lot. Really, we don’t. In a typical season in this funky little fantasy baseball league, we ask you to pay your ownership fees and to pay for any trades you make. But that’s purely transactional; you joined the league and made the trades, so asking you to pay isn’t like asking for a great favor like, say, asking you to help us move furniture. Or a body. Beyond asking you to pay for your fees, we might encourage you to recruit more owners or make more trades. Both of these things help us jack up The Pot for our eventual winners, which is purely for the benefit of our eventual winners, but this type of encouragement is less of an “ask” and more of a “goad.” After that, unless it’s something very important to us, we pretty much ask nothing of you.

So when we make a simple request,
as we did yesterday, to not send us any more links to horrific creatures that will haunt our REM cycles and make us mega-a’scared of the water, we expect that you will do us a major solid by, you know, not sending us any more links to horrific creatures that will haunt our REM cycles and make us mega-a’scared of the water. It’s not a lot to ask, really. In fact, not sending us something is easily the easiest thing we could ask of you. It requires zero action on your part. So if you see something on the Interwebs that you think will make the hairs on the backs of our necks shiver in cold sweat and you’re not sure what to do? You simply don’t send it to us. You honor our simple request by doing nothing at all. It’s that easy.

And yet. And yet.

I bet you can see where this is going...

Just
hours after we posted our simple request to do nothing at all, to not send us any more cringe-worthy but otherwise unworthy terrorific links, yesterday’s tenuous Tip of the Ballcap receiver and Dongwhipped owner Kevin Klinkhamer sent us yet another link to another horrific story and video. The title alone made us instantly vomit into our coffee and fall onto the floor into a fetal position. Warning: We are about to show the title below. Don’t read the following unless you want to understand just how little we feel respected by our owners after making a simple request that happens to mean a lot to us.

“Zoo Monkey Tears Off Baby's Testicle, Eats It as Mom Watches In Horror”

Kevin, we love you, we really do. You have been an awesome owner from the get go. You’re almost always competitive, you’re always engaged in the league, you earn Tips of the Ballcap, and you’ve even authored fun blog entries. But when you sent us the link to that story and said, “Sorry man, I can't resist as this one is too good. At least you can mold it into a Sunday Morning WTF!? against monkeys in China ... and even incorporate (MFs In D.C. owner)
Marcus (Rochellle) somehow,” we’re not sensing any real sorry-ness. Instead, we’re sensing more of a “This-will-blow-their-foxtrotting-minds-when-they-try-to-go-to-sleep-tonight-I-just-know-it” feel to it.

So, no. We aren’t going to link to that article. We refuse. If other owners want to see how Kevin tried to curdle our blood -- as if the title of the article isn’t enough to do that -- they can Goggle the title. We just aren’t going to play that.

But you know how else that we know that Kevin wasn’t really sorry for sending that link? Because 12 minutes after he sent the first link -- 12!!!!! -- Kevin sent us yet another link,
this one intended to build on our fears of water to include the fear of hovering our butts over water to, er, do our business. Whiskey?! Tango?! Foxtrot?!, Kevin, what the foxtrot are you trying to do to us?! I mean, seriously, W?! T?! F?!

Snake In Toilet
(Click to embiggerize.)

Let us say this again: We don’t want links to stories or pictures that make us fear the innocuous, everyday things in our lives. Please, don’t send them. We ask you. We beg you. Don’t send them. It’s enough for us to try to get through life knowing that Christian Ponder is the starting quarterback for our beloved Minnesota Vikings. Seriously, don’t send them.

But if you do want to send links to stories and photos and videos that make us fear the innocuous, everyday things in our lives, please
use this link and select “I have an idea for a blog entry, a.k.a., ‘Give me a Tip of the Ballcap!’.”


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Guys, I Hate To Do This To You, Redux: Don't Go In The Water. Ever.

Tip of the ballcap -- but just barely, since he sent this just minutes after we emerged from a 16-hour tanning-bed session while we tried desperately to mentally and physically remove ourselves from any thought of water and all things H2O after stumbling on this fiasco of a creature in the animal kingdom -- to Dongwhipped owner Kevin Klinkhamer, who passed along this little horrific follow-up to Thursday’s entry.

Alligator
(Click to biggerize.)

If that picture doesn’t scare the bejeebers out of you, click this link for video.

Okay, folks, let’s call this game-set-match, okay? There absolutely no need to find increasingly scarier creatures to give us a mind foxtrot, you know? We saw pictures of the testicle-eating fish. That was enough. Really. Please, don’t go sharing any more dreadful beasts with us. Our current loop of nightly night terrors doesn’t need fresh blood, so to speak. So let’s just stop this right now. As much as we love giving you people tips of the ballcap, we don’t want to encourage anyone else to inject any more visions of a hellish demise into our heads. Stop it. Just stop it.

With this Tip of the Ballcap, Kevin moves into a fourth place tie with
Brian Thornburg, Marcus Rochellle, and league follower Missy (@missyisms), all with two apiece. Jay Livernois still leads with six Tips. Joe Kelley is in second place with five. Vince Livernois is in third place with three Tips.


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Wanna Beer?

Tip of the Ballcap to Kershawshank Redemption owner Joe Kelly for passing this along with the message “Sign this guy up for the SLPL!” Yes, let’s! And let’s get the lady who had the beer spilled all over her camera, too!



With this Tip of the Ballcap, Joe inches closer to
Jay Livernois with five Tips. Jay is in first with six. Vince Livernois is in third place solo with three Tips. Brian Thornburg, and league follower Missy (@missyisms), are tied for fourth place with two Tips each.


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Guys, I Hate To Do This To You: Be Prepared To Shiver In Horror, For Parts To Recede

Before you click the following link, prepare yourself, especially if you happen to sport both an X and a Y chromosome. What you are about to click is horrific. Really. Cringe-inducing, sweat-on-your-toenails horrific. Just thinking about this article will generate a dull-thudding pain where you would rather not feel a dull-thudding. Parts will recede. The pictures will burn into your eyes like a bad plasma screen TV with your DVR paused for three weeks on Judge Judy. Your nightmares will turn into night horrors. I’m seriously not being hyperbolic.

Okay. Ready?

Click this link.

Did you click it? Because if you did, I think I now know what Stephen King must feel like whenever he releases another book into the wild.

Ever since I read that article I’ve been questioning whether I ever want to get into water again. And I don’t just mean the Seinne, which, if you ask me, they can just shut that whole thing down right now; no people or pets should be allowed within 100 meters of the Seinne for, like, ever. No, I mean I don’t know if I ever want to get in
any water ever again. Lakes. Oceans. Swimming pools. Bathtubs. Knowing that that thing exists in the world, and you think I should go in water again? What, you crazy?!

Gah!

If you’re looking for me later today, I’ll be in the corner, over there, hugging myself and sobbing uncontrollably knowing that such horrors are allowed to exist in the world.


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The Most Useless Website On The Internet, Part 10

Because, who doesn’t like bouncing cats?


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A Lifelong Friendship

Jim Cummings 2
Jim Cummings


Here’s a quick but wonderful tour through the lifetime friendship of
Jim Cummings and Full Circuits owner Bill Cunning:

Read your posting of 8/31, "A Life Well Lived," again and I think it bears repeating how good the article was and how much Jim would have appreciated it.

We first connected when he was four and I was five, the early days of WWII. Our names were similar, our dads both went to Notre Dame, we attended the same parochial school, high school, we double-dated when we were teenagers, always meeting our girlfriends inside the theatre to save money, we both stretched nickels into dimes, we discovered Las Vegas mid-teens, we grew up with the Los Angeles Rams at the L.A. Coliseum, we were on the run from the disciplines of the nuns, we shared cigarettes unknown to our parents, we were taught survival skills from our elders, he was best man at my wedding and I at his, he was there when my daughter was born and I when his son and daughter were born, we were as competitive as hell, and ultimately we were launched into adulthood where we remained fast friends for life, communicating five or six times a week right up to last Thursday, the day before he died.

I mention these things only to point out I think have a pretty good idea how he thought, his philosophy and value system, his dreams, concerns, and his inner being and I can tell you that he would have really appreciated your sentiments, big time, and would have brought a huge smile to his face and busted off a couple of buttons from his chest.

Thanks again for great read.

And thank you, Bill, for sharing this with us.



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Labor Day

Lookie, you can learn all about Labor Day:



Or you can just watch a tenuously-themed video with animals doing crazy “labor”:



Or, I suppose, you can do both.



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A Life Well Lived

We have decided to ditch today’s regularly scheduled Sunday Morning WTF?! for reasons that should be obvious. Though losing an owner is about as WTF?! as it can get, we have established that stupid little weekly feature as a humorous/snarky/ridiculous take down of things that deserve humor/snark/ridicule. This isn’t one of those things.

Many, many thanks for the many, many texts, e-mails, and Facebook messages in response to yesterday’s news that Washington Bullets owner
Jim Cummings had passed away. A life well lived is one that touches and makes a real difference in the lives of others. From all the reactions we have gotten to the news of his passing, and from reading the reactions on his and his daughter Kendra’s Facebook pages, it is evident that Jim touched and made a difference in the lives of many.

Jim Cummings 2
Jim Cummings


For us here operating this dopey little fantasy baseball league, Jim made a huge difference, and not just because he was the league’s most avid supporter. You see, it was Jim who ultimately reconnected our Livernois Clan with our dad, Guao Wee! owner
Richard “Pop” Livernois, after years of, well, unconnectedness. This comes by way of league founder Joe Livernois’ account of our reconnection with our dad, the book “Road to Guanajuato: Estrangement In Paradise”:

As it turns out, Tony’s research into the deep past also served to rekindle a more recent generational connection. Tony's efforts put him in touch with a long-lost cousin, Jim Cummings, in 1999, who had also recently become interested in the vagaries of the Livernois lineage. After decades of being out of touch with the Livernois side of the family, he located Pop in Mexico. He had remembered my father – his uncle – with fondness and, like the rest of us, had lost track of him. Jim and Pop exchanged correspondence in which Jim learned with sadness of Pop’s estrangement from his children. Jim contacted Tony, brothers in genealogical pursuit, and gently encouraged him to make an effort to reacquaint himself with his father. Tony thus became the first among us to bury old hatchets.

And later in Jay’s telling:

Tony is the one who came to Leon with a box full of videotapes he thought Pop might like to see, only to discover that Pop did not own a VCR. Tony had also produced a ninety-minute video that he thought Pop would like to see. The home video included live action of Pop’s extended family, including in-law wives and husbands and grandchildren that Pop had never met. We had all interviewed our kids, asking them basic questions about their interests, their schools and what it is like to be a Livernois. At the end of each interview, the kids signed off by looking directly into the camera – directly at Pop – to wish him a Happy Birthday. The kids were sweet and beautiful and most of them told Pop they hoped to meet him someday. Even our cousin, Jim Cummings, had created a videotape of himself and his wonderful family wishing Pop a Happy Birthday. It was fitting that Jim be included on the tape considering that he had been responsible for reconnecting us with our father a couple years earlier.

I will always be thankful to Jim. Though he was just a name in the family tree before he called me one Super Bowl Sunday in the late ‘90s, he quickly played a key role in my life just by provoking me to reach out to my dad. That I got to know him a little bit -- through long phone calls (every call started with with a fast “Cousin Tony this is Cousin Jim” ), e-mails, a family reunion, a Stanford/Notre Dame tailgating, and this dopey little fantasy baseball league -- made my life even richer.

Side note: I just notice this yesterday, but it tickles me to no end: Jim’s profile picture on Facebook is the picture we featured in yesterday’s entry where he’s accepting the Ruiz Cup from his son Guy.

Jim on Facebook



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With A Big Ol' Sad And Heavy Heart, So Long Jim Cummings

With a big ol’ heavy and very sad heart, the Santa Lechuga Power League today bids farewell to longtime Washington Bullets owner and past Overall Champ Jim Cummings, who passed away unexpectedly yesterday. An early league owner, a perpetual supporter of the league organizers, an avid blog reader, and all around great owner, Jim will be sorely missed.

Jim Cummings
James Patrick Cummings
1938-2013

Man, this is all very hard to type. I can’t seem to get my thoughts together into a coherent piece. So I’m just going to pass along several random things...

First of all, Jim’s longtime best friend
Bill Cunning, owner Full Circuits, is the one who passed the sad news along:

Was just informed that our friend, cousin and all around great guy to all that knew him, Jim Cummings, passed away today. I'm numb, but wanted you to know right away and I'm sure you are as shocked as all of us. Very sad news.

I asked Bill if he thought it would be appropriate to mention Jim’s passing on the SLPL today and Bill said:

I think he would love it. I know he read your Home Page comments religiously, as I do, and he thoroughly enjoyed the SLPL. As you know, he was proud of his Livernois blood and would be honored of any mention you might make of him.

Bill also shared something about Jim that I did not know:

Jim was a great baseball player. He played semi-pro ball and more than once hit 500-feet home runs against very good teams. Back in the day, when his semi-pro team played Cal (who I believe was competing for the college World Series at the time), Jim played so well that the opposing Cal coach recruited him for a full scholarship to Cal. In our high school there was an athlete Billy Heil who was all CIF in both football and baseball, and Heil once told Jim that he had never seen anyone hit a baseball as hard and as far as Jim could. He was a true sportsman and a very good athlete.

Jim won the 2005 Overall SLPL Championship. Here is our report of his being crowned champ in early 2006:

(March 25, 2006) - Perennial-loser but newly-minted champion Jim Cummings, owner of the Washingtino Bullets, was awarded the coveted Ruiz Cup last week at his home near Ridgefield, WA, for being named the 2005 SLPL Overall Champ. "What took so long?" Cummings asked at his raucous, take-no-prisoners press conference following the Cup's presentation. "You guys couldn't get that cheap ceramic mug through customs or something?"

With the new season rapidly approaching, the normally soft-spoken Cummings ripped fellow owners and league management after accepting the prize. "So I got a mug. Big deal. Let me talk about something really important, like the upcoming season," Cummings said. "I've got two wishes for the 2006 season. One, I wish that Mr. James Woo would pay for his trades on time just like the rest of us. This will make it easier for the commissioner (Rube Furrow) and won't tarnish the ownership group any further. And two, I wish that Mr. Aaron Pankoke would continue to make boneheaded decisions like not trading for Konerko the last week of the season."

Pankoke, whose Strokes were crowned champs in 2003, was quick to respond. "Cummings, being a loser for so long, obviously doesn't know how to act like a champ," he said by telephone because he was in Arizona with his club for Spring Training. "I have two words for Jim Cummings: Use some of your award money to buy a little bit of class, willya buddy?"

Cummings softened his rhetoric a bit when asked about the Ruiz Cup presentation, attended by SLPL management. "There was no way in hell I was going to have a picture taken with that knucklehead (VP of Baseball Operations and Other Festivities) Pedregoso Rios. So I demanded that I be allowed to have my son, Guy, present me with the cup. Guy, he's the true champ of our family. He sets the example for the rest of us, guided by one rule: 'Love is the answer. What was the question?'"

Cliffy's Crushers Owner Mary Brown, when informed of Cummings' remarks at her home in California, said she was baffled. "What’s that dude's problem?" she asked. "He's like those whiny White Sox fans who spend more time worrying about the Cubs than they spend celebrating the fact that they just won the World Series. Jim, dude, brush that chip off your shoulder and just enjoy it. And White Sox fans, accept the fact that no one cares about your team but they adore the Cubs. Get over it and celebrate a little.”*

And here’s the photo we featured in that article:

image010
2005 SLPL Champ Jim Cummings with son, Guy, in front of an
actual game-day hat worn by the Bullets during their championship season


*For those coming to this via Facebook who don’t know that we are a dopey and sarcastic fantasy baseball league, none of what was said in that article was true except: (1) Jim did win the 2005 championship, and (2) Jim did consider Guy the true champ of his family. Everything else was us just having fun at our owners’ expenses.

We are going to stop right here for now. We will likely have more to say after some of the numbness wears off. Thank you, Bill Cunning, for passing along the news and sharing stories of Jim’s baseball prowess.

And Jim, we’re going to miss the hell out of you. You were, year in and year out, our favorite owner. The Bobblehead-of-Lettuce forever bobbles for you, sir.

Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble!



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Who's In, Who's Out

With less than a month of the season left, we thought it might be worth reviewing who is on the DL and who is no longer playing this season. This may help you as you figure out your rosters heading into the playoffs, where HRs and Ks are worth more (and less) for each round. Here are players currently on the DL or suspended:
  • Jose Bautista, 15-day DL
  • Clay Buchholz, 60-day DL
  • Ryan Braun, Suspended
  • Nelson Cruz, Suspended
  • Carlos Gonzalez, 15-day DL
  • Jason Heyward, 15-day DL
  • Ryan Howard, 60-day DL
  • Matt Kemp, 15-day DL
  • Angel Pagan, 15-day DL
  • Albert Pujols, 15-day DL
Oh, and in case you missed it yesterday, trades are now $20 apiece.



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The $20 Trade Is Now In Effect

The $20 Trade is now in effect.

payloom-1-thumbnail_1



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$15 Trades About to End; Make 'Em by 1:05 EST

With the first pitch of the first game to be played today, the cost of SLPL trades goes up from $15 to $20. Since the first game to be played today will be at 1:08 pm Eastern time, get us any trades you may have before then. Use this form to submit your trades.

payloom-2-thumbnail_1


A reminder: Five paid trades nets you one free trade. Ten paid trades nets you two more free trades. If you are close to either, remember that you can use your free trades anytime before the end of the Regular Season, which means your free trades will be worth $20 each. That way, you can prepare for the playoffs by loading up with players from playoff teams ... for free. Think about it.

Good luck the rest of the way!



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The $15 Trade Is On Life Support

15-buck

The $15 Trade is nearly dead. In fact, with the first pitch of tomorrow’s (Thursday’s) first game, the $15 Trade will go the way of the dodo and be replaced by the $20 trade. For those of you still trying to position themselves to win some championship monies, submit your trades using this form.



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Just Like Rube

It’s just like Commissioner Rube Furrow to do this to me again. Every time I go in to the mercadinho to get a five finger discount on some cerveza for the two of us, I get tossed out the window and Rube just speeds away. Every. Single. Time. Damn that Rube.



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Courtney Stodden Dons Lettuce Bikini To Promote Vegan Hotdogs

We’ll just leave this right here because, well, this is the Santa Lechuga Power League … and we love our leafy greens.



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Sunday Morning WTF?! Long John Silver's Hushpuppies Show

The third in our series of fast food WTF?!s is also a Tip of the Ballcap to Chente owner Vince Livernois, who managed various Long John Silver’s’ for decades and whose nickname for a lifelong friend is coincidentally “Hobart,” sent us this video.

I don’t --. I can’t --. I’m at a loss to --.



Whiskey?! Tango?! Foxtrot?!, Long John Silver’s?!?! Two ball-like objects, just hanging around, doing nothing worthwhile?! Is the intent to increase sales? Foot traffic? If so, with what possible demographic? In what possible way?! I mean, seriously, LJS, W?! T?! F?!

With this Tip of the Ballcap, Vince Livernois takes over into third place solo with three tips.
Jay Livernois still leads with six. Joe Kelly is in second place with four. Brian Thornburg, and league follower Missy (@missyisms), are tied for fourth place with two each.


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Memorabilia Crime Scene

Tip of the ballcap to The Heart Is A Lonely Hunter Pence owner Joe Livernois, who passed this excellent story along, which talks about the single worst baseball card of all time.

130816_SNUT_WorstBaseballCard.jpg.CROP.article250-medium
The worst baseball card of all time,
1996 Pinnacle Foil No. 289


With this Tip of the Ballcap, Jay Livernois increases his league lead with six Tips of the Ballcap. Joe Kelly is in second place with four. Vince Livernois, Brian Thornburg, and league follower Missy (@missyisms), are tied for third place with two each.


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That's Some Major League Snark!

Chente owner Vince Livernois breaks out with his major league snark on Facebook:

Snark

We like it too much.


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I Will Do This One Day … And It Will Work

Thing of beauty.

jx9C4HF


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At A Circus, It's All Fun And Games Until The Music Has To End

Wait for it. Wait for it. Get to the 3:06 mark, then sit back and be absolutely horrified.



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Hammerin' Hank

It will take you 15 clicks to get through them all, but darned if reading Hank Aaron’s quotes under these vintage photos isn’t worth the effort.


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Honest Trailers: Breaking Bad

Check out Honest Trailers, a feature of Screen Junkies …. my new favorite YouTube channel because they do stuff like this:


"Seriously, you better tune in fast if you don't want to be ostracized by white people."


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Sunday Morning WTF?! Wendy's Training Video Circa 1989

The second in our series of fast food WTF?!s, we now turn our attention to Wendy’s, who subjected this training video on its employees back in 1989. Jump to 3:20 in the video to see where the real fun begins.

I don’t --. I can’t --. I’m at a loss to --.



Whiskey?! Tango?! Foxtrot?!, Wendy’s training department?!?! “Most of all, you’ve gotta have your tool”?!?! I mean, seriously, W?! T?! F?!


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Dresser Crabs Have Better Fashion Sense Than Most Of Our League's Owners

Yeah, but you don’t see the most beautiful of their species walking the runway, do you? Or is that their runway?



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"No One Is Innocent"

See, now. Baseball today isn’t so bad.


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A Carp Is A Living Thing, Unrefined And Smelly

It is fun when people are passionate about something. And like all great music videos, this video is especially educational about carp.



The whole fish tank motif has me thinking of the opening scene of Monty Python’s
The Meaning of Life: ‘Morning!



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Two Chicago Icons On An Iconic Night In Chicago

Tip of the Ballcap once again to Kershawshank Redemption owner Joe Kelly, who is once again getting us all through our dog days of August with this, in honor of the Cubs recently marking their 25th year with lights at Wrigley.



With two consecutive Tips of the Ballcap,
Joe now holds sole possession of 2nd place with four. Jay Livernois leads the league with five Tips of the Ballcap. Vince Livernois, Brian Thornburg, and league follower Missy (@missyisms), are tied for third place with two each.


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Twins' Bullpen Pulls Off Perfect Prank Punch

Tip of the Ballcap to Kershawshank Redemption owner Joe Kelly, who passed this along in the hopes that it will help get us all through our dog days of August.

ku-xlarge


Shortly after Joe sent this to us, local minor league club Kane County Cougars posted this to Facebook:

Perfect Prank Punch


Nicely done, Jared!


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World's Best Magician

He is amazing.

EN3gzk0


My mind is blown. How
does he do it?


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Sunday Morning WTF?! Colonel Sanders Meets "Mad Men"

I don’t --. I can’t --. I’m at a loss to --.



Whiskey?! Tango?! Echo-Lima-ing?! Foxtrot?!, Colonel Sanders?!?! I mean, seriously, W?! T?! E-L-ing?! F?!


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The Matrix Goes To Yankee Stadium

Simply cool.



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Skeeter Rules To Overturn On-Field Call: Unassisted Tip of the Ballcap Goes to Marcus

Official League Scorer Jeren “Skeeter” Livernois, also owner of Punching Judy’s, has ruled rather definitively -- and surprisingly -- in yesterday’s controversy on who should get the Tip of the Ballcap for the excellent Jimmy Fallon video of “Blurred Lines” with Robin Thicke and The Roots. Here’s his official ruling, which reverses our on-field ruling:

Jeren Rules


So Skeeter opted to rule in favor of his first cousin rather than in favor of his father. What is especially surprising is that both Jay and Marcus were willing to share the Tip of the Ballcap, as shown in the complete Facebook discussion:

Jeren Rules Detail


That should make the upcoming Labor Day holiday a barrel of laughs around Jay’s house. Hopefully
Skeeter can opt to instead score an A’s game for his day job with STATS, LLC that day.

But that’s okay. We appreciate that Skeeter made an impartial ruling despite it likely coming with a personal cost. And Marcus, next time you see Jeren you might want to buy him a round of drinks.

This is
Marcus’ second Tip of the Ballcap for the season, which ties him for second place with owners Vince Livernois, Joe Kelley, Brian Thornburg, and league follower Missy (@missyisms), each of whom have two Tips of the Ballcap. Jay Livernois still leads the league with five Tips of the Ballcap.


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WTF Awesomeess: "Blurred Lines"

Tip of the ballcap (once again) to The Heart Is A Lonely Hunter Pence owner Joe Livernois MFs In D.C. owner Marcus Rochellle, who declared this version of “Blurred Lines” as “WTF awesomeness” shared this on Facebook back on August 2, though we missed it:



Though not a traditional Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, we cannot disagree Jay’s assessment. I actually prefer this version to the original, which you can see here:



Update: If you’re scoring at home: We don’t know how to score this Tip of the Ballcap. We gave the tip to Jay because he e-mailed it to us on August 7, which prompted us to post the video here, but since receiving Jay’s e-mail we discovered that MFs In D.C. owner Marcus Rochellle had posted this video on his Facebook wall way back on August 2. Does Jay get the full tip of the ballcap with Marcus getting to assist? Or, does Marcus get the full tip of the ballcap since he posted it to Facebook first with Jay getting the assist? To be fair, we have raided Facebook postings in the past (see here, here, here, here, and here); had we seen Marcus’ posting earlier, we likely would have posted it and given him full credit, but Jay took the extra effort and e-mailed it to us … and we always appreciate when people take the extra time to think of us.

Okay, I’m sending this one over to our official league scorer,
Jeren Livernois, owner of Punching Judy’s. Skeeter, how do you rule? Who gets the full Tip of the Ballcap?

Updated August 9: See here for Jeren’s ruling.


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Bill Cunning Responds

In last Sunday’s Sunday Morning WTF?!, we noted that Full Circuits owner Bill Cunning had taken to dancing to R&B on his porch with the local wild life and tried to stage an intervention. Bill responded.

Tony/Joe,

I wasn't sure if I was the guy in the beard or the raccoon, but I'll take any publicity I can get.

If my team were any worse I'd be in 49th place.

One thing for sure (this year), I'd never hire myself as a baseball GM.

I remind myself of the old Groucho Marks quip, that I believe goes something like this: "I'd never want to join a club that would have me as a member."

I really was pumped up and ready to jump in and improve my team this year, until I found out I was triple digits behind in the FIRST MONTH … and then things really GOT BAD.

But there is always hope for NEXT YEAR, even though this year did not BOTHER ME, BOTHER ME, BOTHER ME, BOTHER ME, BOTHER ME !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ciao,

Bill

We are not sure how to read this. Is this another cry for help? Do we need to send professionals? Or more raccoons?


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Die, Bud Selig!

Tip of the ballcap to Dongwhipped owner Kevin Klinkhamer, who sends us this commentary via e-mail with the subject line “Die, Bud Selig!” and this note: “This picture is just another reason Bud Selig should use his powers to enact the ‘best interests of baseball’ clause by banning HIMSELF from the game for life. Or just die, whichever he prefers.”

ku-bigpic
(Photo by Kevork Djansezian/Getty Images)


The only SLPL player affected by the batch of suspensions is Nelson Cruz,
who sits on the rosters of six owners. For the record, Nelson Cruz will score exactly zero points during his 50-game suspension.


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"Ties And No Playoffs. Why Do You Even Do This?"

Tip of the ballcap to The Heart Is A Lonely Hunter Pence owner Joe Livernois, who passed this along:



A thing of beauty, this is. So much funny packed into five minutes.


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Sunday Morning WTF?! Bill Cunning, Come Back To Civilization!

We suspected something was up when he stopped attending our weekly Skype briefings discussing league shenanigans, but we had no idea how bad things had really gotten. For example, that beard. That foxtrotting beard. Or those overalls and sleeveless t-shirts. But worst of all is that Full Circuits owner Bill Cunning has taken to dancing to R&B on his porch with the local wild life. Don’t believe me? Watch this:



Whiskey?! Tango?! Foxtrot?!, Bill Cunning?!?! Consider this blog post an intervention. All the people in the world that love you, that rely on you, that like to argue politics and religion with you, that serve you waffles with extra syrup, that deliver your newspaper, that administer your fantasy baseball league, your friends, your family, we are saying this now, in one voice, as loud as we can: Please, Bill, return to civilization. Dancing to R&B with raccoons in sleeveless t-shirts and overalls is a cry for help, a cry we hear loud and clear, and we want to help you. We love you, man. Come back. Come back! Seriously, W?! T?! F?!


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Fred Lost A Couple Fly Balls In The Sun

The Heart Is A Lonely Hunter Pence owner Joe Livernois just sent me the following video and asked whether my dog Fred could do this:



No. No, he can’t. Well, I’m sure he could, but, well, Fred is a he, which means he tends to protect his underside. Even though he lost his, er, well, let’s just say he lost a couple fly balls in the sun about six years ago, Fred is like any male of any species who has experienced the excruciating pain associated with having damage done to the, um, er, fly balls. And sliding the underside down stairs, which are replete with edges on which fly balls can and invariably do uncomfortably land, is just inviting needless excruciating pain. Even if Fred’s memory of having fly balls is six years past, he still has the time-tested evolutionarily-built propensity to protect himself down there at all costs, which means he instead opts to just walk or bound or bounce or flounce down the steps like all male dogs should. So my hypothesis is that even if he wanted to be a little more efficient about getting down the stairs, he would
not go for the option that would invite unnecessary, agonizing, heart-thumping, raw, brutal pain.

Or, it may be that I just never trained him to slide belly-first down stairs.

K20D5715
Fred, Protector of Fly Balls



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Poolside Orchestration: They Just Keep Getting Better

We featured one of these June last season, but here’s another one. This is a productive way to waste a long summer day when you’re swimming with friends.

ay50ZGV_460sa


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Decisions, Decisions

A metaphor for life in a GIF:

QvsX6hJ


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Hey Kid!

The world can be a cruel place.

NcsOrOS


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Well, Because It Just Sounds Good

Tip of the ball cap to Chente owner Vince Livernois, who suggests you just turn up the volume. Thanks, Vince!

But I can’t help but to go meta here. If you still have Ryan Braun or
Albert Pujols on your roster, this is what you’re doing:



Update: It appears that while I was going meta, JJ Cale was literally going down, as in six feet under. Ah, hell.


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Nominee For Best DL Excuse Of The Season; Also, We May Be Going Dark

This story comes to us by way of The Heart Is A Lonely Hunter Pence owner Joe Livernois, who nominates this for a Monday Morning WTF?!, ‘cause some things can’t wait until Sunday. Jay nominates this for “Nominee for best DL excuse of the season …”

We looked a little deeper and discovered this interview with the injured shortstop, who appears to have been just following orders not to move as the skydivers were plowing feet-first into their faces:



So, there’s our next nominee for best DL excuse of the season. Thanks, Jay!

Meanwhile, in other news, we may or may not be going dark until Friday morning depending on whether the 8 baud modem on my Amiga 1000 can connect to the Internet from the unfortunately named Servicio de Hosteleria Industrial de Terrassa hotel in Flushing, NY, near LaGuardia and whether Norton Utilities can remove the 47 Trojan horses it’s been trying to remove since February. Watch this space for more news. Or not.

S.H.I.T.


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Sunday Morning WTF?! A Song For Me Without A Guitar Solo

Yo, Los Askis, if you’re going to write a song about me, throw in an electric guitar solo or two, would you?



Whiskey?! Tango?! Foxtrot?!, Los Askis?!?! I know you’re trying to honor our time together in that Tijuana prison, but at no time did I ever say that I enjoyed wood flutes. In fact, I was very explicit about wooden wind instruments making me want to extract my eyeballs with Wolverine’s claws. Where’s the electric guitar?! The fuzz box?! The solo?! Seriously, W?! T?! F?!


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It's All In The Packaging: Charlatan Street Fighters

We here at the SLPL Blog detest -- a.k.a., abhor! despise! execrate! -- charlatans like those shown in this video. We do love this video, though, because it makes fun of the charlatans, those opportunistic, scum-sucking swindlers who fleece ignorant, hurting, and/or desperate people. Round 1, fight!



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I Thought Peanut Butter Knuckles Was A Candy Bar

Why isn’t this on every grocery store shelf for every jarred product at this very moment? This must exist and be ubiquitous within a year or we are going to have to declare capitalism a complete and total failure.



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Cat Reacts To Owner Coming Home After Six Months

You think watching dogs react to veterans coming home from war is fun and heart tugging? You haven’t seen anything yet.



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One Wise Team Drops Ryan Braun, Scumbag

On news of the suspension of Ryan Braun, Scumbag, only one team dropped him. Joe Livernois, owner of The Heart is a Lonely Hunter Pence, did the deed that needed to be done, explaining: “Because Braun is an a**hole. Also, he's been suspended. I expect (Chris) Davis will be the only Oriole who succumbs in the team bus fire, which should happen any day now, which is still better than keeping a suspended a**hole who is willing to throw everyone else under the bus.”

Why are
you keeping Braun on your roster?

Update: Current league leader Paul Martin, owner of Cabbage Farmers, passed this along this morning with the note, “Tony, I saw your post on the website. I don't know if you remember his denial but check it out. What a piece of sh*t!”



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30 Teams Still Have Ryan Braun, Scumbag, Even Though He Will Score Exactly Zero Points Between Now And The End Of The Season

You still have Ryan Braun on your team? What, have you really already conceded the season? There’s nearly a full half yet to play!


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Why Lettuce Keeps Making Us Sick

I still haven’t had the heart to read this article. The title alone makes me sick to my stomach.


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Sunday Morning WTF?! Local News Has Never Been So Dramatic

I’ll just leave this right here for future generations to see. To ponder. To analyze.



Whiskey?! Tango?! Foxtrot?!, WITI in Milwaukee?!?! Seriously, W?! T?! F?!


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Trades Now Cost $15

15-buck

The $10 Trade is dead. Trades now cost $15. That is all.

Wait! That’s not all! There were
few trades during the All-Star break, which means owners are pretty satisfied with how their rosters look. Or that they have already conceded the season. The downside is that the Pot didn’t grow that much. The upside is that those who are competitive will spend the remainder of the season paying extra for their trades … and will have to keep a close eye on things to make sure they don’t lose ground in the standings and really muck things up. I think it’s gonna be a fun second half!


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You Know The Drill

10-buck-trades

Ten dollar trades, blah, blah, blah. Will be $15 after first pitch of first game today, blah, blah, blah. Use the trust-dusty trade form, blah, blah, blah. Make and investment in your team that could earn you hundreds of dollars in winnings, blah, blah, blah. Getchyer trades in fast-like, blah, blah, blah.


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Livernois Blows Winnings On Tequila; $10 Trade Nearly Extinct

10-buck-trades

Word on the street is that Joe Livernois, owner of 2013 All-Star Championship-winning The Heart is a Lonely Hunter Pence, has blown the entirety of his $125 winnings on crates and crates of the cheapest, most vile-tasting tequila known to mankind ... and that he has already consumed the first crate’s-worth to celebrate his victory.

And with that, the SLPL moves into the second half of the Regular Season, which means
the $10 trade is about to go away only to be replaced by slightly more expensive $15 trade. You can make your final $10 trades between now and the first pitch of Friday's first game, which is schedule for 7:05 pm Eastern time. Remember, though, if you wait until Friday to make a trade, it will not go into effect until Saturday.

So, get
to checking which of the deadweight you want to remove from your rosters and replace with better, more productive players.

Congratulations again to our 2013 All-Star Champ, Jay!


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So. Well. There Was That, I Suppose. Oh, Yeah, Congrats, Joe Livernois, the 2013 All-Star Champ!

2013_MLB_All-Star_Game_Logo

I had this vision all day that The Heart is a Lonely Hunter Pence owner Joe Livernois would be chewing finger and toe nails all night while bombs were hit left and right, strikeouts were accrued by pitchers front and center, and his massive lead evaporated while some low-performing, no-name team leapfrogged him in dramatic fashion. “Man, wouldn’t that be cool,” I thought. “Have someone come back from 250 points down and rip the All-Star championship rug out from under him. Man, that’d be sweet.”

Don’t get me wrong. I love my brother. He’s a bitchen guy and deserves nothing but good things. But we’re running a fantasy league over here and, frankly, nothing sucks more than knowing who’s going to win something. And after his boffo performance in
last night’s Home Run Derby, and despite our best efforts to make it sound like someone not named Jay Livernois actually had a chance to win this thing, we kinda sorta knew it was a pipe dream that someone else might win this thing. But we dreamed. We fantasized. We hoped.

Nope. Didn’t happen.

For the third year in a row,
not a single hitter on an SLPL roster hit a home run, nor did a single pitcher on an SLPL roster give up a home run. Which meant, well, only two teams actually earned plus-points during the All-Star game itself. Hell, Jay himself lost 25 points during the game and was still crowned the 2013 All-Star Champ, winning by 200 points.

But, hey, yeah, wow, congratulations, Jay, for winning the All-Star Championship on the back of someone who was not even voted to be a real All-Star. Be proud, champ. You rock. Yay, team. Go. Woo-eee.

Now, on to additional league business. Ten dollar trades are on the chopping block and will end with the first pitch of the first game played Thursday. To make yourself competitive for the remainder of the season, we recommend that you spend this lull in the season to
assess your roster and decide who you want to trade and who you want to pick up. Trades go up to $15 after the All-Star Break.

Okay, back to the All-Star game. Seriously, we couldn’t be happier for Jay. Someone had to win this thing, so it may as well be the person who conceived of this funky little fantasy league way back when. All due congratulations, Jay, our first champ of the 2013 season!


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Joe Livernois' The Heart is a Lonely Hunter Pence Takes Commanding All-Star Lead

2013_MLB_All-Star_Game_Logo

Off the bat of Yoenis Cespedes -- who isn’t doing any favors during regular season, real game play with just 15 HRs -- The Heart is a Lonely Hunter Pence owner Joe Livernois took a commanding All-Star Standings lead after Monday night’s Home Run Derby. With exactly zero other teams with Cespedes, Jay’s Pence leads all other teams by 250 points going into tonight’s All-Star Game.

Remember, here’s how the remaining All-Star points are awarded:

  • During the All-Star game, hitters on your roster earn 150 points for every home run hit and lose 25 points for every K during the All-Star game.
  • During the All-Star game, pitchers on your roster earn 25 points for every K and lose 75 points for every homer surrendered during the game.

With that type of point awardage, there is no team that has been eliminated from the running yet. Having said that, I’d rather be sitting in Jay’s position with 250 points rather than looking at Jay’s backside, which is somehow his best side.

Tonight we crown the All-Star Champ.
One-hundred twenty-five clams will go to the winner. Good luck!


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All-Star Break Begins; 1st Championship Up For Grabs

As always, SLPL league head honchos are excited about and gearing up for the All-Star festivities. It will take just two days and two events -- tonight’s Home Run Derby and Tuesday’s All-Star Game -- to crown a champ and cut a check. None of this “waiting around for 162 games” stuff. None of that “playoffs” thingy. Nope. Two days. Two events. One champ. One check.

mlb-all-star-game-2013
(Photo : REUTERS/Ray Stubblebine)


Here’s how points are awarded toward the
All-Star Standings:

  • If a player on your roster wins the All-Star Home Run Derby tonight, your team picks up 250 points.
  • During the All-Star game, hitters on your roster earn 150 points for every home run hit and lose 25 points for every K during the All-Star game.
  • During the All-Star game, pitchers on your roster earn 25 points for every K and lose 75 points for every homer surrendered during the game.

If your team has the most combined points, you will be crowned the 2011 All-Star Champ and
collect at least $100 (but more likely $125, official amount to be determined when the All-Star break ends).

Remember, points earned toward the
All-Star Standings are allocated exclusively to the All-Star Standings and are not allocated to the Overall Standings.

2013_HRD_logo-630x426

First up: Tonight, the Home Run Derby!


Tomorrow night, the All-Star Game. Check the game rosters and your SLPL roster. While it’s too late right now to make trades for the Home Run Derby, you can make trades for additional All-Stars by midnight tonight so that they’re eligible for tomorrow’s All-Star game.

Standings: At-A-Glance . Overall . Division . Hitting . Pitching . All-Star . All-Star Stats . PHP . HOF . Yesterday
Pay Already! . Make A Trade . Contact Us

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Sunday Morning WTF?! That's Not How To Get Spock Ears

Uh, lady Chinese teacher who desperately tries to make children’s dreams come true, that’s not how Mister Spock got his ears to be all pointy and stuff.

Makeing Spock


Truly, to get the Spock ears so desired by this kid, you’d have to make sure he was born on the planet Vulcan. Stretching them by picking him up is not going to do it. We know. The nuns at St. Mary’s Catholic School in El Centro, CA, tried it on us.

Whiskey?! Tango?! Foxtrot?!, lady Chinese teacher?!?! When are you going to realize that there are some dreams you can’t make come true. Seriously, W?! T?! F?!

Standings: At-A-Glance . Overall . Division . Hitting . Pitching . Power-Hitting Pitching . HOF . Yesterday
Pay Already! . Make A Trade . Contact Us

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I Can Empathize

As a Cleveland Indians fan, I understand the sentiment.

AMhXQSR
Standings: At-A-Glance . Overall . Division . Hitting . Pitching . Power-Hitting Pitching . HOF . Yesterday
Pay Already! . Make A Trade . Contact Us

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All-Star Game 4 Days Away; $10 Trade Dies Soon Thereafter

2013_MLB_All-Star_Game_Logo

We are now just four days away from the 84th MLB All-Star Game, which will take place on Tuesday, July 16. This means that SLPL owners have six days to make $10 trades; $15 trades begin with the first pitch of the first game after the All-Star game, which will be on July 18th. Between now and then, you might make it a point to size up your roster against the rest of the league, figure out what dead weight you need to ditch, and pick up some new players. Oh, and did I mention that Matt Kemp is on the Disabled List? No? He is. As is Michael Morse, Yu Darvish, Josh Willhingham, Clay Buchholz, Ryan Howard, Paul Konerko, and Angel Pagan. Just saying.

If you haven’t already done so, you need check out the rules for the
SLPL’s All-Star Standings. To reiterate, this is a special little side-bet that factors in the winner of the Home Run Derby winner and home runs and strikeouts in the game itself to award the first SLPL All-Star Champ.

Standings: At-A-Glance . Overall . Division . Hitting . Pitching . Power-Hitting Pitching . HOF . Yesterday
Pay Already! . Make A Trade . Contact Us

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The Girl With The Pink Cape

I was hoping we wouldn’t go dark yesterday. I had my trusty Xerox Alto at the Resist Bacteria Hotel in New York City’s Chinatown all ready to go, but it just didn’t work for me. Everything broke down. My expectations were dashed. I couldn’t post standings and stats, nor could I post a blog entry. That makes me the girl with the pink cape:

XExkJSP
Standings: At-A-Glance . Overall . Division . Hitting . Pitching . Power-Hitting Pitching . HOF . Yesterday
Pay Already! . Make A Trade . Contact Us

Comments

We May Or May Not Be Going Dark, Part 7

We may or may not be going dark until Thursday morning depending on whether the 24 baud modem on my Xerox Alto can make an outside call at the unfortunately-named Resist Bacteria Hotel in New York City’s Chinatown and whether the malware removal software can remove the 162 malware attacks it’s been trying to remove since April. Watch this space for more news. Or not.

Resist Bacteria Hotel
Standings: At-A-Glance . Overall . Division . Hitting . Pitching . Power-Hitting Pitching . HOF . Yesterday
Pay Already! . Make A Trade . Contact Us

Comments

All-Star Game 8 Days Away; $10 Trade Dies Soon Thereafter

2013_MLB_All-Star_Game_Logo

We are eight days away from the 84th MLB All-Star Game, which will take place on Tuesday, July 16. This means that SLPL owners have ten days to make $10 trades; $15 trades begin with the first pitch of the first game after the All-Star game, which will be on July 18th. Between now and then, you might make it a point to size up your roster against the rest of the league, figure out what dead weight you need to ditch, and pick up some new players.

BTW, if you’re unfamiliar, you should check out the rules for the
SLPL’s All-Star Standings. It’s a special little side-bet feature of our league that factors in the Home Run Derby winner and the game itself to award the first SLPL champ of the season.

Standings: At-A-Glance . Overall . Division . Hitting . Pitching . Power-Hitting Pitching . HOF . Yesterday
Pay Already! . Make A Trade . Contact Us

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Sunday Morning WTF?! Meets The Most Useless Website On The Internet, Part 9

Someone coded this page, secured the domain name, paid for server space, uploaded the page, tested it to make sure it looked just right, and then released it into the wild.

Whiskey?! Tango?! Foxtrot?!, someone?!?! Unless it was an art project for school or something like that, you wasted a whole lot of time and effort. Seriously,
someone from Brea, CA, W?! T?! F?!

Standings: At-A-Glance . Overall . Division . Hitting . Pitching . Power-Hitting Pitching . HOF . Yesterday
Pay Already! . Make A Trade . Contact Us

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Revisiting "One, Two, Three Strikes Yer Out!"

The last we visited Bugs Bunny, it was to show the video that The Heart is a Lonely Hunter Pence owner Joe Livernois shared with us of the guy who could swing his bat like a helicopter blade. Or, as Chente owner Vince Livernois said, who could “strikeout with one pitch.” We then linked to this video of three Gas-House Gorillas batsmen striking out on one pitch:



Now watch that video again, this time paying close attention to Bugs’ wind-up and, in particular, the sound effects used as he winds up. Got it? Good.

Now, play those sound effects in your head as you
watch rhythmic gymnast Shin Soo-Ji throw out a first pitch.

Some blog entries just write themselves.

Standings: At-A-Glance . Overall . Division . Hitting . Pitching . Power-Hitting Pitching . HOF . Yesterday
Pay Already! . Make A Trade . Contact Us

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Guys, Don't Do This

Guys, don’t do this. Which is to say: Even if you’re royalty, you’re going to get caught. And you aren’t royalty.

JXPCa
Guys, Don’t Do This

Standings: At-A-Glance . Overall . Division . Hitting . Pitching . Power-Hitting Pitching . HOF . Yesterday
Pay Already! . Make A Trade . Contact Us

Comments

Happy Independence Day! Now Read Neil Steinberg

Happy Independence Day! … and a tip of the ballcap to Babes Love Baseball once again for this cool image:

torn-baseball-american-flag
Photo courtesy of Babes Love Baseball


While you’re getting all a’ready for picnics, beer, and fireworks, why not read this blog post about why we celebrate Independence Day by league-favorite columnist Neil Steinberg? Neil’s recently had his several-times-weekly column at the Chicago Sun-Times reduced to just one per week for some perceived violation, so he’s taken to continuing his prolificness at a personal blog, where he’s writing every g-damn day. Note that he’s not just doing some dopey daily entry with a few words, a picture, and some links like the very one you’re reading right now, but he’s writing stuff even longer than a typical column. So, give today’s entry a read, then bookmark his home page for daily good reading.

Note: Neil’s blog is godawful ugly. I’m sure he’ll select a more aesthetically pleasing blog template at some point, but don’t let the lack of aesthetics drive you away from his words. Those are, as ever, excellent.

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We May Or May Not Be Going Dark, Part 6

After posting stats and standings tomorrow morning, we may or may not be going dark until late Friday afternoon depending on whether or not the unfortunately-named Easy 8 Motel in Champaign, IL, has a dial-up Internet connection higher than 9.6 kbit/s and whether or not the Trojan horse program on my Acorn System 1 laptop finishes up the scan I began in May. Watch this space for more news. Or not.

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A Little Hyperbolic, But He *Did* Take A Header Into the Dugout

Tip of the ballcap to Golden Sombreros owner Brandon Olivarria who (by way of text) shared this sweet link and video:



Niiiiiiiiiize. Though I think the announcer got a little hyperbolic when he described it as a “full out sprint” when the guy clearly slowed down before making his final jump into the dugout. But I suppose I can allow a little hyperbole for a guy who takes a header into the dugout.

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Up and Running Again

Yeah, so, after yesterday’s nonsense, our standings and stats are up and running again. Man, what a nightmare that was. But at least we’re not a knuckleheaded knuckle dragger like this guy:

wGbiZmT


Oh, and lookie,
the All-Star Game is just a couple weeks away. Get your final $10 trades ready.

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Sunday Morning WTF?!: Just So Windows Of It

For this morning's Sunday Morning Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?!, I was all set to show some kuckleheaded kuckle-dragger trying to aim a rifle by holding the butt of the rifle just in front of his nose only to be knocked senseless by the butt of the gun on recoil. It was standard WTF fare, good and WTFish. But, as I do, I wanted to get the standings and stats posted first. A new blog post, if you didn't know it, is more than something funny or interesting or insightful or dopey or WTFish or whatever; it's also my visual cue to you that the standings and stats are piping hot, uploaded, and ready to be seen.

Just as an aside -- but seriously, I'm trying to buy time here, which I'll explain in a minute -- to generate the standings and stats, while a lot of steps, is pretty straightforward. I start up Parallels (the virtualization program that runs Windows 7 on my Mac), pop open my boffo Excel spreadsheet (refined these past 13 years to run like a top but which only runs on an old version of Microsoft Office on Windows because Microsoft discontinued macros), open the previous day's stats provided by our third-party stats provider, run the macro that copies the stats into all our various standings and then sorts them, and then run the macro to save all the various webpages that populate our Standings menu. From there, I FTP/upload all the piping hot new webpages to our website, then get to writing the blog post for the day.

So today I go to pop open Parallels, which opens just fine, but Windows won't start, which is just so Windows of it. I put on my Windows hat, which means I need to brace myself for a lot of wasted time trying to troubleshoot an unknown problem. I then try a lot of various Windowsy sierra, which doesn't solve the problem, but then I finally get a C-prompt -- yeah, Windows still has C-prompts, which is just so 1950s of it -- and from there I switch over to my Mac desktop, 'cause, yeah, it's a Mac and I don't have these types of problems on the Mac, do some Googling (what, you think I'm gonna Bing?!) and find some C-prompt kung fu written by others who have found themselves trapped in a similar circle of hell. I try a lot of that sierra and eventually get to an MS-DOS screen -- yeah, Windows still has MS-DOS screens, which is just so 1960s of it -- that says I can try a startup repair, which actually sounds quite promising, so I try that. It immediately shows this screen, which again was very promising:

Windoz

That was more than two hours ago. The reason I'm trying to buy time here is because I want to believe that a repair will actually happen. And here's the truly WTF thing after working through two hours of true Windows Whiskey Tango Foxtrotness: See that button in the lower right that says "Cancel"? Yeah, that one, the one that's not greyed out? It doesn't actually cancel. That's right, even though it's the only button available to me -- it is not grayed out and it is clickable -- clicking it immediately gives me a dialog box that says I can't cancel the repair process. So what the foxtrot is the purpose of the Cancel button?! To deliver news that it can't do what the button is clearly labeled to do?! Shouldn't the button be labeled, oh, I don't know, "Pointless”?!

Whiskey?! Tango?! Foxtrot?!, Microsoft?!?! C-prompts? MS-DOS screens? Cancel buttons that don’t cancel anything? It's like I'm living in a
Twilight Zone episode where instead of advancing, all technologies de-vance. The promise of advancement is (sometimes) laid out in a semi-coherent graphical user interface that does nothing more than eventually tell you that you can't do what it promised you would be able to do, and then does you the additional discourtesy of restricting your options of fixing a problem until the moment you can't even use a Cancel button to cancel something. "…but Pedregoso expected the computer to operate like computers are supposed to operate while using something Microsoft called an 'operating system' -- in the Twilight Zone." Seriously, Microsoft, W?! T?! F?!

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"One, Two, Three Strikes Yer Out!"

Tip of the ballcap to The Heart is a Lonely Hunter Pence owner Joe Livernois who (by way of Facebook) shared this bit of awesomesauce:



To which Chente owner Vince Livernois remarked “Strikeout with one pitch,” which reminded me of my most favoritest cartoon episode ever after the Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde Bugs Bunny episode. “I wish my brother George was here.”



Did I mention that I love the Internet?

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Yeah, So, You Should Celebrate *After* You Cross The Finish/Goal Line

It’s not as big a stage as the Super Bowl a la Leon Lett -- or, who knows, maybe it is … you can never tell with bizarre sports in not-America -- but it’s just as sweet to watch. I always love it when someone celebrates victory too early only to lose because s/he was too busy celebrating the victory that ultimately wasn’t to be.

1372181175_skater_finish_fail

Speaking of Lett, you can never get enough of Don Beebe taking advantage of his early celebration, so here it is:


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The Most Useless Website On The Internet, Part 8

I probably should have saved this for Part 10 in the series.

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Cold-Hearted Kick In The...

Golden Balls:



That has really got to hurt.

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“Cutting Cheese with Sue”

I was going to save this for Sunday to feature in our wildly-popular-but-little-known Sunday Morning Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?!, but there’s just way too much WTF here to wait five days before sharing it. Watch this now, then we’ll talk through just how foxtrotted up it really is.



There are several things to note here: (1) It’s a foxtrottin’ cheese slicer! Who doesn’t know how to use a cheese slicer?! If you had never seen a cheese slicer before, you could just look at the thing when it’s in the vicinity of a block of cheese and you’d automatically know what to do with it. (2) Here’s an idea: If you’re going to do a video on how to use a cheese slicer, do something useful like explain how to avoid getting all those extra crumbles at the bottom of the slice when you’re slicing dry cheeses like the world’s best cheese ever, Dubliner. “Slicing Dry Cheeses without Crumbles.” Now that would be useful. (3) Here’s another idea: If you’re going to title your show “Cooking with Sue” but you don’t cook a thing, consider changing the name of your show. In this video we saw cheese being sliced. With a cheese slicer. There were no pots. No pans. No heat. No spatulas. No sloshing boiling oil. Sue sliced foxtrottin’ cheese! So if all you’re going to do is slice cheese, how about renaming your show to “Cutting Cheese with Sue”? (4) See #1 above.

Look, I’m all for the Internet. I love the Internet. And with the ubiquity of high-speed Internet connections, I love the fact that we can access to all sorts of excellent videos across a myriad of great topics. But this isn’t one of those excellent videos and this is a horrible topic. If you want to teach a bunch of numbskulls who don’t know how to operate a cheese slicer how to slice cheese using a cheese slicer, don’t post a YouTube video. Instead, I hear the neo-natal intensive care units at hospitals around the world are always looking for ways to keep the preemies occupied. Maybe you can go teach them. Because, let’s be real here, preemies are pretty much the only population on earth who don’t know how to operate a foxtrottin’ cheese slicer.

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Skeeter Rules

Yesterday we asked Punching Judy's owner Jeren “Skeeter” Livernois -- official scorer at Modesto Nuts Professional Baseball Club, reporter at STATS LLC, and now official scorer of the Santa Lechuga Power League -- to make a ruling on who gets the putout when a kid falls from five stories up but eight people try to catch him. In comments, Jeren made his ruling:

Rule 10.09 (b)(9) The Official Scorer shall credit an automatic putout to the catcher when multiple fielders successfully prevent a small child from falling to his death. No assist shall be credited on the play.

If in the Official Scorer’s judgement the cameraman is close enough that he could have successfully made a play on the child with ordinary effort, the cameraman shall be given an error on the play.

So if you're scoring at home this is an error on the cameraman and give the putout to the catcher.


Awesome, awesome job, Jeren. We appreciate the clarity and the definitiveness of the ruling.

And, hey, this is fun! We’ll have to ask Skeeter to rule on miscellaneous and various other freaky life events as the season progresses.

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Sunday Morning WTF?!: Who Gets Credit For The Putout?

Yo, Punching Judy's owner Jeren Livernois -- official scorer at Modesto Nuts Professional Baseball Club and reporter at STATS LLC -- how would you score this:



Whiskey?! Tango?! Foxtrot?!, overeager Chinese outfielders?! Everyone knows that the centerfield calls it and the other players back away to let him do his job, like Joe Torre’s daughter did earlier this week. With all of you catching the baby at once, it’s nearly impossible to score this act of heroism. Seriously, W?! T?! F?!

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No Wonder He Never Joined the Santa Lechuga Power League

James Gandolfini was afraid of giant talking vegetables.



In other news, the Bobblehead-of-Lettuce was not in Rome last week.

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Mets Fans Will Love This

Or maybe not.

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Characteristically Dim

We weren’t dark all day, but we were characteristically dim most of it. That’s what happens when you accidentally leave your computer at the client site overnight and can’t use the computer the whole next day. Like we said, characteristically dim. So sue us.

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You Fall Withn A Bell Curve

I mentioned a coupla days ago that the world needs more Tim Minchin. In that vein:


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Mr. Diety Is Back: Layers and Layers of Absurdification

Trustify me, guys, releases of new Mr. Deity videos have a way of ebbing and flowing.


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We May Or May Not Be Going Dark, Part 5 (NSFYE)

After posting stats and standings this morning, we may or may not be going dark until Friday morning depending on whether or not the Econo Lodge in Middletown, NY, provides a dial-up Internet connection higher than 14.4 kbit/s and whether or not the anti-virus program on my Altair 4400 laptop cleans up the 463 viruses it started cleaning last Tuesday. Watch this space for more news. Or not.

In the meantime, here is an awesome -- though NSFYE, which means “not safe for young ears” -- video by Tim Minchin because, quite frankly, the world needs way,
way, way more Tim Minchin. (Seriously, this is not safe for young ears. Nephews and nieces of mine, please don’t watch this unless you get written consent from one of my siblings, signed in triplicate, and notarized by a Tunisian banker.)


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Sunday Morning WTF?!: Two Countries Separated By A Common Language

This one isn’t really a Sunday Morning WTF?! so much as it is just another of the infinite number of reasons to laugh at the British:







Yes, yes, I know it’s parody, but if you have ever spent any time in England watching Australian cricket (or whatever it was they were playing) at 3:30 in the morning after a long flight from the States and an 8 o’clock client meeting staring you in the face, you’ll see all the truths in this parody. Then there’s the bizarre phraseology, the weird inflections and enthusiasms, and the oddly-placed emphasis on the meaningless.

Having said all that, this guy is
way better than Joe Buck and Tim McCarver.

Wait, maybe this is a Sunday Morning WTF?!

Whiskey?! Tango?! Foxtrot?!, you English?! Now that I think about it, can’t you convince Rupert Murdoch to hire you to replace Joe Buck during this year’s World Series?! Seriously, W?! T?! F?!

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Uh Oh

Tulow’s down for 4-to-6 weeks.

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The Most Useless Website On The Internet, Part 7

Patience is a virtue. Or so they say.

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The Most Useless Website On The Internet, Part 6

Cat bounce! Toss ‘em, bounce ‘em, throw ‘em.

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Bill Haverchuck, Ladies!

How long can you funk out to Bill Haverchuck? The ol’ boy’s been going for 264 seconds and I’m about to click “Publish.” Can you beat that?

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Hittin' The Air, Bright And Early

Hitting the air, bright and early, so we don’t have a lot to say, but we do have this video to share:



Did you catch it? That train horn sound isn’t for the home run. It’s for the doofus who steamrolled over the kid while going for the ball. What a dip.

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We May Or May Not Be Going Dark, Part 4

After posting stats and standings tomorrow, we may or may not be going dark again until Friday morning, depending on the price Super8 Motel charges for WiFi and on whether or not the disk defrag I started four days ago on my Tandy 9000 laptop finally finishes. Watch this space for more news. Or not.

In the meantime, here’s a
very, very cool article about how the Arizona Diamondbacks drafted a former Arizona State player they are pretty certain won’t make the team. We have given the MLB, MLB players, and MLB owners a lot of grief over the seasons for a slew of reasons, but the D-Backs deserve a slew of props for this class move.

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Sunday Morning WTF?!: More Than Aftermath

It was staring us right in the face. Golden Sombrero’s owner Brandon Olivarria had written a boffo blog post detailing the events surrounding No Greinke My Wankee owner Peyton Olivarria graduation and he titled it “Aftermath.” After he sent it to us, we cleaned it up a little, added the pictures, and posted it for all to see. A day later, we found ourselves saying Whiskey?! Tango?! Foxtrot?! Here’s why:

It was a blog post about
graduation. It was titled “Aftermath!” Had we for one extra second thought it through, we would have changed the title to “AfterBiology! AfterPE! AfterHomeEc! AfterMath!” Sometimes our wits are dimmer than other times. Whiskey?! Tango?! Foxtrot?!, us! We couldn’t put the clever on for a boffo blog post?! Seriously, W?! T?! F?!

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The Indians Story That Must Be Told

chiefwahoo

Never mind that my streaky Cleveland Indians have won three games in the last ten, after a pretty good streak or two before that, after a horrendous start. Never mind that they are still in second place in the American League Central Division. Never mind all that. You can even never mind that Tribe closer Chris Perez has been busted for having 6.2 ounces of marijuana delivered to his house. The story must be told? The two packages of pot that were delivered to the Perez house were sent not to Chris Perez or his wife Melanie but instead to Brody Baum, who happens to be the Perez dog.

tumblr_m5l58ixGvX1qb2nryo1_500
Brody Baum

Chris and Melanie were released on their own recognizance. Brody Baum was not arrested. And there appears to be no truth to the rumor that Brody is now demanding that you call him “Snoop.”

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America Rejoices

Tip of the ballcap to Kershawshank Redemption owner Joe Kelley (via Facebook) for expressing this sentiment so perfectly.

America Rejoices

While we suppose the sentiment isn’t shared by all Americans--there might be Kings fans in the world, who knows? and I’ve heard rumors that the Heat have a couple of fans amongst the populous--this American is definitely rejoicing.

Now, San Antonio, don’t fold like the Bulls and Pacers before you. Get this foxtrotter done, okay?

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Baseball Question: Adjusting Batting Gloves Is Totally Oedipal

Tip of the ballcap to Chente owner Vince Livernois (via Facebook), who posed this question: “Does anyone know why a batting glove needs to be adjusted after every pitch? Even if a batter doesn't swing they are adjusting their glove. I'll be annoyed until I know. If it's a nervous quirk I'll be even more annoyed.” Tip of the ballcap to The Heart is a Lonely Hunter Pence owner Joe Livernois for the best response … and for a worthy follow-up question.

Baseball Question

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Time To Plug In the Trade-O-Matic 3000

Ryan Bruan is on nearly 40 SLPL team rosters, which makes this news almost heartbreaking. We say “almost,” of course, because we actually love it when the SLPL Pot grows and grows and grows so that our payouts to winners grow and grow and grow. To illustrate what this might mean to our Pot, four owners in the last two days have dropped Braun on mere suspicion that he might be suspended. That’s 40 clams to our Pot, which means 40 clams to our eventual winners. If he goes down for 100 games, the Pot should grow ginormously.

Even if you’re not spooked by the potential of Braun being suspended, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t plug in the trusty
Trade-O-Matric 3000. Why? Do you have Matt Kemp? He’s on the DL. Bryce Harper? DL. Giancarlo Stanton? DL. David Price? DL. C’mon, already. Get off the schnied and drop the deadweight already! You need to put yourself in position before you can expect to scrape any clams out of the championship barrel, ya know?

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Aftermath!

Note as of 11:38 am on 6/4: Stats and standings for last night’s games have now been updated. I am sill having PC problems, but I used my trusty backup.

Well, the weekend started Thursday night with a late night flight from Austin, TX into SFO. The joy of No Greinke My Wankee owner
Miss Peyton Markie Olivarria walking the line was the main reason for the trip. However … the weekend ended up being one of those weekends we will be talking about every time we all get together. Nothing can take away from Peyton's accomplishment, but WOW!

Friday: Peyton's Big Day!
Friday went off without a hitch … if you were part of another family, but our family, well, not so much. The running around and the last minute preparations for Saturday’s party created a long morning. Then, at the graduation itself, having to sit through 350-plus horribly butchered names, the sunburns, and the horrible last-minute speeches made it all worth finally hearing the name we were all there to hear: “Peyton. Markie. Olivarria!” Echo throughout the PIT!

Peyton
“Peyton. Markie. Olivarria!” Cue the Pit!

Saturday: Party!
Saturday started with all the guys strategically planning a round of golf while the ladies stayed home and put on all the finishing touches. The party began around 5 pm with family and friends coming to congratulate Peyton. What would go down in a few short hours miss Cleo couldn't have predicted. THE DANCE OFF!!! Star of this would have been -- drum roll, please … Hamiltoes owner TYLER SHADDY! The breakdancing moves this white kid was putting down took me back to the movie Beat Street! All that was missing was the Super Fly Adidas track suit.


This video isn’t sideways. That’s just how Tyler dances.

After Tyler finished wiping the floor with his horrible dance moves, the party continued in the backyard. At this point, the (in)famous GOLDEN SOMBRERO was retrieved from the wall of trophies! It was only fitting I represent my 29th place team with some good luck! Kempin' It Real! owner Kyle Harmon refused to wear it for reasons we do not speak of. Okay, we’ll speak of them: He said he did not want to jinx Chris Davis, the only reason Kempin' It Real! is currently in the Top 10.

Golden Sombrero

The end of the night ends in walk-off fashion! Or, for our non baseball fans, homicide. One of our beloved family members, who we have been trying to persuade to join our wonderful league, Dan the Pirate, decided he was calling it a night. Boy did he. Dan did his best to audition for an upcoming role in Law and Order SVU. So we did our best Stabler and Benson impressions.

The Pirate
Dan the Pirate. Calling It A Night.

Like I said at the beginning, a weekend that will continue to be talked about for a long time!

But let us not forget the real reason we were all able to come together: Peyton's graduation. Congrats, Peyton, you have made all of us so proud! Once a cowboy always a cowboy!

Editor’s Note: How is it possible that the Livernoises and Klinkhamers haven’t ended up at the same party as the Olivarrias? Or would that rip the space-time continuum and bring the planet to screeching halt?

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Don't Let Me Down

Golden Sombrero’s owner Brandon Olivarria (@BrandonO831) was supposed to send us here at the SLPL blog a full account of No Greinke My Wankee owner Peyton Olivarria’s graduation celebration this weekend. Unfortunately, as things tend to when the Olivarrias and Company get together to celebrate such events, things got a little out of hand and he was unable to send his report in time for today’s post. We did, however, receive this photo from Kempin' It Real! owner Kyle Harmon (@chacharmon23), which shows Brandon in his quite literal golden sombrero and making his patented “punching-monsters-in-the-gonads” pose:

Punching Up
Brandon’s “Punching-Mosters-In-Gonads” Pose
(Click to enlargenate.)


So today we hope that Brandon can get us his report so that we can post it tomorrow. C’mon, Brandon, don’t let me down.


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Sunday Morning WTF?!: Fractally-Wrong "Parenting" Approach

I put a collar and a long leash on my dog Fred every day before we go for a walk. It works well for both of us. He gets to traverse the neighborhood to smell smells, pee pee, Sierra Sierra, chase squirrels or rabbits, say hello to the neighbor kids, that sort of thing. Meanwhile, by having him on a leash I can stop him from running in front of cars and trucks, prevent him from actually catching the squirrels and rabbits, keep him from running away for good, that sort of thing. That’s the way the man-dog relationship is supposed to go. Fred does doggy things; I do doggy ownership things to make sure he doesn’t get killed, doesn’t kill, or doesn’t get lost.

With all that in mind, how in ever-loving Foxtrot does one go about explaining this:

Bad Parenting


Whiskey?! Tango?! Foxtrot?!, Sierra-y parent?! That’s a child. A human child. An apparently functioning human child. With a collar and leash?! On a bike? On a bike with a collar and leash, which you are holding. There’s nothing about this that’s correct or effective at any level. This isn’t just wrong; it’s fractally wrong, wrongness at every conceivable scale of resolution. How is this sad excuse of a parent not only allowed to bring human life into the world, but also allowed to “care” for said human life? W?! T?! F?!

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Trying Out New Comments System

When the maker of our last commenting plugin decided to discontinue the plugin, we thought things over and decided to unplug the ability to comment on the website. While every season we’d get a handful of awesome comments, it was never really active. We thought we made the right choice, but in the last week two people have complained about not being able to comment on a blog post. So we have decided to search around and find another system.

The one we found may or not be optimal, from what I can see. But we’re going to plug it in for now, just to see if the electricity is working, and we’ll try to improve how it’s integrated once we learn how it really works.

Updated: It looks as though it’s working. You can leave a comment on this here post right below. Be nice (mostly). Since we have kids in this league, don’t cuss (too much).

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Keeping The Foot On The Accelerator

Sometimes we here at the SLPL blog get so caught up in other things -- travel, interesting GIFs, tips of the ballcap, useless websites, and such -- that we forget that we’ve got one hell of a fantasy baseball season happening right under our noses. Oh, hey, lookie here! Four teams have apparently been battling it out for the top spot already this season and we haven’t even reached June. Who knew? The best part, though, is knowing that the eventual winner of this season’s Overall championship is likely not even going to be one of those four teams. Instead, it’s likely going to be some dark horse currently sitting in the middle of the pack with a funky team name and an owner who claims that the Dodgers still belong in the major leagues. That’s how this league rolls.

Which makes the news today all the more interesting. League leader
Paul Martin, owner of the Cabbage Farmers, just made two trades, apparently in the hopes of putting his foot on the accelerator while his rivals scratch their heads about what to do. Do they counter move, hoping to trap the ol’ bishop with queen-rook combo? Do they do nothing in the hopes that it makes Paul look desperate? What. To. Do? It’ll will be fun to watch.

Meanwhile, a player on more than a handful of teams finally went on the DL. Matt Kemp, who appears on 12 rosters,
is out for a coupla weeks, which hopefully prompts at least a few trades.

Anyway, sorry we’ve not been more aware that the fantasy season is happening right in front of our eyes. We’ll try to be more diligent. Oh, hey, look! A cool GIF!

abd-353
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The Most Useless Website On The Internet, Part 5

Is my computer on?

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Uh Oh... "Cubs Erect Mock-Ups of Proposed Wrigley Signs, Video Board"

Tip of the ballcap to Carrboro T-Birds owner Brian Thornburg (via Facebook) for the link to this article, which Brian introduced with an understandable “Uh oh...”

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Post-Game-Interview Bombing

Tip of the ballcap to league follower and sometimes-SLPL-blog-contributor Missy for this link to Castle Inanity’s website, which is sort of difficult to describe but which we support fully. You’ve heard of photo-bombing, right? It’s the fine art of ruining other people’s photos. Well, the Cincinnati Bearcats have taken it to another level, post-game-interview bombing. Here’s an example:

tumblr_mnbdz6BkjH1ryaiojo3_400
Cincinnati Bearcat On A Spit


Here’s an article about the pranks. And here’s a video compilation:



Thanks, Missy, for the link!

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Happy Memorial Day!

Happy Memorial Day with full appreciation to all who served … and a tip of the ballcap to Babes Love Baseball for this cool image:

torn-baseball-american-flag
Photo courtesy of Babes Love Baseball


Tomorrow, another tip of the ballcap, this time tipping towards league follower and sometimes-contributor Missy for a most-awesome link.

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Sunday Morning WTF?!: Hawk Harrelson Rant

Someone needs to put Hawk Harrelson out of my misery.



Whiskey?! Tango?! Foxtrot?!, Chicago White Sox?! How is this sad excuse of an announcer still on your payroll? W?! T?! F?!

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The Bleak Blogging Days

Not only did I forget to blog anything yesterday -- though I did update the standings and stats -- today I’m just blogging about forgetting to blog anything yesterday. These are the bleak blogging days.

Hey, wasn’t someone going to send me pictures about a certain owner’s graduation?

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View From My Window: Portland, Maine

View from my window.

Portland, Maine
Portland, ME
(Click to biggercize.)
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I Got Nothin'

Portland, ME. I got nothin’.

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Out Here In The Perimeter, There Are No Stars

So long, Ray Manzarek.


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John Merritt, Wood Carver, Awesome Hobbyist

The longer you watch, the more mesmerizing this becomes:



Fifty-four years of wood carvings … and he doesn’t sell anything. He just does it for the fun of it. Just wow.

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Sunday Morning WTF?!: Shut Up and Get In My Bed!

Aussie Livernois family infiltrator Tom Hepner, who is married to the daughter of Applegate’s Picks owner Susie Rochellle, posted this to his Facebook page last night with the corresponding comment, “Love the local paper.”

943506_580565535308290_906569922_n
“Love the Local Paper”

We figure the local paper in question here is The Plumas County News, so with that, Whiskey?! Tango?! Foxtrot?!, Plumas County News?! Did you get the whole story? Did the deputy interview the dog to get her side of the story? How do we know that everything is under control? For all we know, the man …

Okay, not going to go there. Step away from the computer. That’s some sick Sierra going through your mind, Pedregoso. Just post and walk away from the keyboard.

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We May Or May Not Be Going Dark, Part 3

Come Monday, we may or may not be going dark again, depending on whether or not I want to take time from my water-front hotel view in Portland, Maine, to do something as trivial as updating this damn website. If I am unable to peel my eyes away from the North Atlantic Ocean next week, the SLPL will be dark from Monday until later Friday morning.

In the meantime … there’s no reason to post this except that I’m a huge fan of
The National, they have a new album coming out, and this video is fun.


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Veeck’s Son Dusts Off Old Idea and Crowdsources the Umpiring

Tip of the ballcap to MFs In D.C. owner Marcus Rochellle for sharing this story (via Facebook).

BTW, we always welcome owners to share good baseball stories with us.

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The Most Useless Website On The Internet, Part 4

I am awesome.

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Kevin's Korner: GIF Really Brings Story Of Drunk Ump Together Nicely

Obviously baseball related, but the choice of GIF really brings the report of the story together nicely!

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I Got Nothin'

Sitting in a nameless hotel room in Greensboro. I got nothin’. ‘Cause if I had somethin’, it would be worse than nothin’.

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Hittin' The Air

I’m hitting the air for Greensboro, NC. Not much more to say about that.

But while I’m in the air, enjoy this bit of bitcheness:


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Sunday Morning WTH?! Happy Mother's Day!

As we have in seasons past, we have decided to be respectful to all the mothers in this league for at least one day of the season by renaming our regular Sunday series “Sunday Morning WTF?!” in honor of Mother’s Day to “Sunday Morning WTH?!?!” As in, “What the heck?!” or, “Whiskey Tango Hotel?” Happy Mother’s Day to all you mothers!

We have also decided to revive a league favorite, which Scoots Bigelow owner
Scott “Scoot Bigs” Allen shared with us way back in ’11. Scott said that it is a tradition in his country of origin to celebrate Mother’s Day by dancing around a scooter. We didn’t believe him until we dug up this video on the Interwebs. (BTW, Scoot’s the one wearing jorts.)



Whiskey?! Tango?! Hotel?!, strange street dancing kids? I mean, seriously, W?! T?! H?!

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We May Or May Not Be Going Dark, Part 2

Come Monday, we may or may not be going dark again, depending on whether or not Greensboro, NC, has received the benefit of high speed Internet yet. We know the Carolinas have had problems working their way into the 19th century politically -- see also: Mark Sanford winning his recent election -- but we don’t know if they lag that far behind technologically. If Greensboro, NC, is still trying to grapple with the advent of the telegraph, the SLPL will be dark from Monday until Friday next week.

In the meantime … I can't walk to the next room carrying a half-filled coffee mug without spilling the rest of the coffee. And then there's this lady.


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Joe Kelly's Bro

Here’s a great article about Kershawshank Redemption owner Joe Kelly’s brother, David Kelly. From Joe, via Facebook:

David Kelly
(Click to biggercize.)
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The Most Useless Website On The Internet, Part 3

How long can you stay on the raft with the chicken?

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Not Dark, But Not Much to Say

But I do have this view:

Manhattan
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That Should Minimize the Raw, Heart-Wrenching, Bone-Crunching Pain

Trying to deflect the enormous amount of smack coming his way after the Giants swept the Dodgers this weekend, Golden Sombrero’s owner Brandon Olivarria created this auto responder, which he employed liberally Sunday night: “To whom it may concern: I will not be responding to any texts about the sweep the Giants put on the Dodgers. I appreciate your not-so-gentle words. Have a good Cinco de Mayo! Gracias. ~Brandon (still a Dodger fan).”

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We May Or May Not Be Going Dark

I’m headed to New York City first thing tomorrow morning to see if I can’t secure a trademark on the mean Arugula-On-A-Stick we’ve been serving up at Endive Stadium to rave reviews. This means we may or may not be going dark, depending on the price Motel 6 charges for WiFi and on my ability to get my desktop files to work on my rickety ol’ Tandy 9000 laptop before I leave. Watch this space for more news.

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Sunday Morning WTF?!: Lethal League (NSFW)

“This is, uh, Lethal Ball Jousting. It’s fun.”



Is this really something some people do, record themselves while playing video games and then posting the results to YouTube? And is this something that other people do -- like I unfortunately just did -- watch the videos of people who recorded themselves playing video games and posted to YouTube. Whiskey?! Tango?! Foxtrot?!, some people and other people. So much world, so much wondrous technology, so many wonderful people, so little life. I mean, seriously, W?! T?! F?!

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Stay Cool

Stay Cool
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The Most Useless Website On The Internet, Part 2

Has the Hadron Collider destroyed the world yet?

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Shaping Up Despite No Good Trips to the DL

payloom-3-thumbnail_1

As you now know, the $10 trade is now in effect. That’s the bad news. The good news is that we had some pretty heavy $5 trading during our first month, even without a significant player taking a trip to the DL, bringing The Pot up to a cool $1,610. Though we were six $5 trades shy of last year’s total, 82 trades is nothing to sneeze at, especially considering that a Justin Upton or a Miguel Cabrera or a Justin Verlander didn’t go on the disabled list. Here’s hoping that some of our ubiquitous players get a major injury so that our $10 trading is just as heavy.

Oh, and remember: You can make trades
using our handy-dandy form. And, more importantly, you can pay for trades using our other handy-dandy form.

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$5 Trades Are Dead; $10 Trades Now In Effect

payloom-3-thumbnail_1

It was fun while it lasted. Now the $10 trade is in effect. You can make trades for $10 until the end of the All-Star Break.

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The $5 Trade Is Nearly Kaput

00245-trade

In roughly two hours, the $5 Trade for the 2013 season will be kaput; $10 Trades will then be in effect. Take a few minutes to submit your trades before today's first pitch (at 12:40 Eastern time) to get the most trade value for the buck.

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$5 Trade Ends Tomorrow

00245-trade

Just in case you missed it yesterday...

With the first pitch of the first game played tomorrow, the $5 will go all “Adios, MFers” for the 2013 season. So now is as good a time as any to talk a bit about the $5 Trade.

First things first: Unless you have earned a free trade the $5 Trade is the most cost-effective trade you’ll make this season. Duh!, right?

Second things second: A good $5 Trade now will net you a good five months of production out the player your trade for. Duh!, right?

And, third things third: If you make five paid trades, you get one free trade that can be used any time until the Regular Season is over. That means five $5 Trades will earn you a free $20 Trade if you use the free trade during the last month of the season. Sweet!, right?

Surely you know how you’re doing in the standings, I assume? Surely you know who on your current roster is dragging you down, correct? Things aren’t out of reach yet.
Make some trades between now and the tomorrow 12:40 pm Eastern deadline and you can right the ship right quick.

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$5 Trade Ends On Wednesday

00245-trade

With the first pitch of the first game played this Wednesday, the $5 will go all “Adios, MFers” for the 2013 season. So now is as good a time as any to talk a bit about the $5 Trade.

First things first: Unless you have earned a free trade the $5 Trade is the most cost-effective trade you’ll make this season. Duh!, right?

Second things second: A good $5 Trade now will net you a good five months of production out the player your trade for. Duh!, right?

And, third things third: If you make five paid trades, you get one free trade that can be used any time until the Regular Season is over. That means five $5 Trades will earn you a free $20 Trade if you use the free trade during the last month of the season. Sweet!, right?

Surely you know how you’re doing in the standings, I assume? Surely you know who on your current roster is dragging you down, correct? Things aren’t out of reach yet.
Make some trades between now and the Wednesday 12:40 pm Eastern deadline and you can right the ship right quick.

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Sunday Morning WTF?!: Manny's Still Playing Baseball?

Tip of the ballcap to Kershawshank Redemption owner Joe Kelly, the conveniently named owner of possibly the next pitcher to pay off in the Creepy Cardinal Pitcher Death Watch Pool. Anyway, Joe sent us a message that said, simply, “There's a lot going on here. WTF!?”



Indeed, there is a lot going on here and Deadspin captures most of the good ones. But the biggest WTF?! is the fact that Manny Ramirez is still playing professional baseball. Whiskey?! Tango?! Foxtrot?!, Manny Ramirez. You don’t when it’s time to hang it up?! W?! T?! F?!

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Yu Darvish's Delivery 

The first time I saw this, I thought I was hallucinating:

i3SXAH4AAxtWS

Trouble is, I was. Some joker at Dominos added magic mushrooms to my pizza. Second time I saw this, I was still tripping. The three-thousandth time I saw this -- and yes, I counted … did you know that every number between 1 and 3,000 has a different color and smell? -- I was finally engaging with reality; and in reality this is just as cool as it is when my mind is trying to locate Alice to ask her a few questions.

Tip of the ballcap to Carrboro T-Birds owner
Brian Thornburg (via Facebook) for sharing this. It will be imprinted on my brain for years to come.

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NSFW! NSFW! NSFW! NSFW! Funnier Than Hell, but NSFW!

Tip of the ball cap from ScootBigs owner Scott Allen for bringing us this, a Funny or Die video with Boardwalk Empire’s Michael Shannon reading an actual sorority sister’s letter that recently went viral. Needless to say, she’s not happy with her sorority sisters.

Note: This is NSFW, which means not-safe-for-work. It’s rated R, for language. Boy is it rated R for language. If you’re my nephew or niece still living at home, do not click this link; your parents will disown me as their brother. If you’re under 18, ask a parent to watch this on your behalf, then ask if you are approved to watch it.

There, now.
Here’s the video.

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Commish Delivers Welcome Message, Finally

It's that time of year again, the magical season when young men adjust their cups in earnest, when snow plow operators prepare Coors Field, and when Dodgers are delusional about their October dreams. Yes, it's time for the Santa Lechuga Power League.

The commissioner would like to apologize for the tardiness of delivering his welcoming message. As you might have heard, Commissioner Furrow recently volunteered to participate in clinical trials for a new and improved Cialis regimen. He only recently returned from the hospital, where he endured humiliating medical treatment after failing to heed the warning label. He appreciates the kind thoughts and prayers during his convalescence, but asks that his friends stop calling him "Fungo."

In that vein,
Commissioner Furrow wishes to welcome all the hardened veterans back to SLPL. Allow me to give a special welcome to our rookies, Peanunski owner Stephanie Wigton, She Wants the Dee owner Frankie Montellano, and Petey's Picks co-owners Kathy & Petey Davis. We believe all of your rock-solid picks promise to make 2013 the most dynamic season in SLPL history.

Props again to owners for generating amusing team names. In a league first,
Tyler Shaddy parodied the name of another team, coming up with Hamiltoes, a play on our evergreen favorite, Cameltowing, Inc, by David "Eddie" Edison, but with a baseball twist. We like Kathy Livernois' I've Got the Runs, though we're still trying to figure out if she is making a baseball pun or merely describing the results of her IBD. Brendan Butts submitted something that sounds like Puck the Fackers, but while we love the sentiment, we still claim to be a family-friendly operation and switched the first letters for our website. And Peyton Olivarria scored with No Greinke My Wankee, a prophetic team name that happened to be what Zack said when Carlos Quentin charged the mound.

In other news, you might have noticed that the SLPL brain trust made few rule changes this season. The only significant new rule is found in Section 3, Item 32.6b, which prohibits expectoration on all playing fields. In other words, keep your spit to yourself.

In conclusion, enjoy the season, have fun and make lots of trades!

Rube Furrow, Commissioner

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Creepy Cardinals Pitchers Death Pool Prospects

Now we know what former owner Sue Klinkhamer is doing with her extra time this season. She’s scouting out pitchers for the Peoria Chiefs, a low-A affiliate of the St. Louis Cardinals, as prospective cannon fodder for the Creepy Cardinals Pitchers Death Watch Pool. Here’s the bullpen:

Future Creepy Cardinals Pitchers
Cannon Fodder for the Death Watch Pool


Sue writes: “All potential candidates for the Creepy Cardinal Death Pool!! And they sit, totally unaware of their possible fate.”

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The Most Useless Website On The Internet

Is It Christmas?

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Stealing First Base and Blowing People's Minds

My head hurts reading this article, but it’s an interesting piece on Jean Segura’s recent base running (mis)adventures. If you’re wondering whether or not to read it, put it this way: Had I read this yesterday morning, it would have qualified for a Sunday Morning WTF?! Yeah, it’s that mind-twisty.

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(NSFW) Sunday Morning WTF?!: This Is Our Foxtrotting City!

You know Big Papi is gonna be sorry he said these words over the airwaves:



The FCC’’s gotta come down on him like a ton of bricks, right? So I was building up a big head of steam to blow off at the FCC in one of my more epic Whiskey?! Tango?! Foxtrot?!’s, anticipating that the commission would get all fine heavy with David Ortiz, but then I came across this:

FCC


Seriously. So, now I have to go with a cheap Sunday Morning WTF?! and say: Whiskey?! Tango?! Foxtrot?!, FCC, you had to go all reasonable and treat the public like a group of adults rather than fining David Ortiz a metric-Sierra-ton of cash for saying something honest and personal. Whiskey?! Tango?! Foxtrot?!’, FCC, you defied expectations and came off as cool. That’s not the FCC we know.

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Pure Joy

After a brutal week, how about a fun image to take into the weekend:

Reds Batboy
Pure Joy
(Click to enlargenate .)

Here’s the story.

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Yeah, See...

Avoid me. I’m grumpy.

Spring Has Sprung a Leak
Spring Has Sprung … A Leak
(Biggerize by clicking.)
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Waco


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Boston

Patton_Oswalt



o-MISTER-ROGERS-HELPERS-QUOTE-570
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Slap Biff with an Eel

There are at least two dozen people I would love to slap with an eel. And that’s just in this league alone. But given all those pesky laws and statutes and social norms forbidding such an action, this website will have to do. Just scroll your mouse from right to left across the picture to slap this dopey-looking hipster dudebro, let’s call him Biff, with an eel. When done with Biff -- about five good slaps will do it, I think -- conjure up a picture of each person you would like to slap with an eel, overlay Biff’s face with theirs, and repeat. It’s oddly soothing while simultaneously avoiding all those pesky laws and statutes and social norms.

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Sunday Morning WTF?!: World Pole Dancing Championship?!

I just discovered that the 2013 World Pole Dancing Championship was dominated by Russians and Ukrainians. If you ever visited a strip club in Southern California or Tijuana, Mexico, in the ’80, you would consider this to be a major WTF. You would be outraged that the U.S. and Mexico have both ceded their pole dancing powers to the nasty Eastern bloc. And your outrage would be well targeted.

But you know what a bigger WTF is for us? That three’s a World Pole Dancing Championship! And do you know what an even bigger WTF is for us? That three’s a World Pole Dancing Championship and we haven’t started a fantasy league around it! Whiskey?! Tango?! Foxtrot?! fellow league owners! How come you haven’t been hounding us to start a World Pole Dancing Championship fantasy league? It would be bigger than the SLPL. Bigger than NCAA’s college basketball brackets. Bigger than Elvis. Aaron. Presley. What?! The?! Foxtrot?!

Sorry we don’t have video of the 2013 event, but here’s video from the 2012 World Pole Dancing Championship:


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Hand Full of Nuts

The SLPL is getting some decent Twitter action this season. Yesterday @chacharmon23 (Kempin' It Real! owner Kyle Harmon) Tweeted the following to @pedregoso (Pepino Monos owner me) and @peytonolivarria (No Greinke My Wankee owner Peyton Olivarria) with a tip of the ball cap to Hamiltoes owner Tyler Shaddy for the screen capture.

Nuts
Hand Full of Nuts
(Click to blowuperate.)

By the way, if Peyton does’t use the above photo in all of her future No Greinke My Wankee promotional materials, she needs to fire her marketing person.

I’m still new to the whole Twitter thingy, but if you’re a Twit I believe you can follow any of us. So follow us!

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Money Is What Makes the League Go Round

Our league’s most bitchen owners have already paid their ownership fees. Are you one of them? If not, you can still be considered pretty darn bitchen if you pay quicklike.

Update: Man, I love Vin Scully. Hate the Dodgers, but love Scully.


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How Animals Eat Their Food

This video comes by way of Commissioner Rube Furrow, who e-mailed it to us with the simple subject line, “WTF?” We agree, Rube. We agree.



Speaking of Rube, word has it that he is at this very moment scrawling his annual “Welcome to the Season” message to league owners. There’s no word as to when he’ll be ready to release his message given (1) he scrawls very, very slowly, (2) his scrawls are slightly more difficult to read than hieroglyphics, and (3) rewriting his scrawls so that they actually have something to do with the league and its owners often takes more time than it took him to scrawl the message in the first place. So I don’t know if we’re talking a week, a month, or by the All Star break, but Rube and his army of interpreters/rewriters will hopefully have something to welcome league owners by the end of the season.

Standings: At-A-Glance . Overall . Division . Hitting . Pitching . Power-Hitting Pitching . HOF . Yesterday
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Trades Trades Trades

We are only ten days into the season and already five owners have made at least one trade. We love this ‘cause trades are the lifeblood of our payouts; the more trades, the more money our winners win. And I shouldn’t have to spell this out, but I will: The more you trade, the more likely it is that you’ll be one of the winners who wins money at the end of the season. Keep your roster competitive by getting rid of the low performers and the injured and replacing them with players who are scoring points, that’s the idea.

pl_4_detail_1

Trades are currently on $5 and will be so until the remainder of the first month of the season. When you’re good and ready, use this form to submit a trade.

Trade Advice for Rookies
Rookie Stephanie Wigton, owner of Peanunski, wrote to ask for advice on how to use trades. The following was my response:

“Trades are limited to ten in the season. However, you get a free trade after making five, and another two free trades after making five more. So, make ten trades and get three free.

“The earlier you can make trades the better. First, as the season progresses, trades get more expensive, which means you get more bang for the buck if you make an early trade. Second, you really want to staunch the bleeding of points from guys who aren't producing by neutralizing other teams who have players that are producing. Having one or two difference-makers that no one else has is the ideal.

“Towards the end of the first month of the season, before the $5 trade ends, I'll study the rest of the teams in my division to see who I need to neutralize, then offload the low-producers, add a player or two everyone else has, then look for a dark horse or two no one else has. I try to make most of my trades before the All-Star break but keep a few in reserve in case of injuries late in the season. If I'm out of the running, I won't make those trades. But If I have a chance, I'll use them in the hopes that they'll help me in the end.

“Having said all of the above, I've never really been competitive in my own league so I may not be the person you should talk to. I won my division last season, but I've never been in serious running for it all.”

Standings: At-A-Glance . Overall . Division . Hitting . Pitching . Power-Hitting Pitching . HOF . Yesterday
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Hedi Didn't Know What She Was In For

Because we haven’t yet had any animals acting like complete Deltas this season, let’s just get this one out of the way right now so that we can offend every delicate sensibility we can early in the year. This is possibly the worst affront to Santa Lechuga since farmworkers left that lettuce field un-ploughed to protest the increase in tequila prices at Endive Stadium back in ’78. I will need to go to confession later today just for posting this.

abd-331
Killer Corgi vs. Hedi Lettuce
Standings: At-A-Glance . Overall . Division . Hitting . Pitching . Power-Hitting Pitching . HOF . Yesterday
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Revoking My Haters License?

Here you are, nursing a lifelong hatred of the Los Angeles Dodgers, detesting the team in a visceral sort of way, when you get a text with this picture attached:

Braxton Tripp
Braxton Tripp Olivarria, Next Generation SLPL Owner
(Click to embiggenate.)


A face like that -- which belongs to five-month-old Braxton Tripp, son to past SLPL champ
Brandon Olivarria -- can thaw even the most perpetual of spites. If this kid gets any cuter, I may have to consider revoking my Dodgers Haters license.

Incidentally, rumors have it that Braxton’s middle name, Tripp, was given in honor of
Jack Tripp, longtime owner of the Sandyeggo Padres (formerly Sandyeggo Trippers). We have not been able to confirm this rumor we made up out of thin air.

Standings: At-A-Glance . Overall . Division . Hitting . Pitching . Power-Hitting Pitching . HOF . Yesterday
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Sunday Morning WTF?!: Us!

For this season’s first Sunday Morning Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?!, the wildly popular weekly feature where we ponder the f’n imponderables that need to be pondered, we turn the target inward. For good reason.

You wouldn’t think we would miss something like this on Opening Day, but we did. Below is a Tweet from returning owner
Peyton Olivarria with her boyfriend, SLPL rookie Frankie Montellano, at the Dodgers’ home opener against the Giants. That was the game where Clayton Kershaw choke-held the Giants to exactly zero runs while rockin’ a Power-Hitting Pitcher home run in the 8th inning.

peytonolivarria Tweet
This Season’s Best New Sitcom, Peyton & Frankie
(Click to enlargenate.)


So, WTF, us, how could we miss such a sweet Tweet … about us?!?

But the bigger WTF is how it is that one of our owners -- who has been out of the league for a season -- could be the first person ever to come up with a Santa Lechuga hashtag, #santalechuga?! Whiskey?! Tango?! Foxtrot?! Us?! Figure out the whole social media thing on our own, will us? I mean seriously, WTF?!

But props to Peyton for dragging us kicking and screaming into the 2000s. If we were left to our own devices, we would still be posting our fantasy baseball standings using flags in center field, like the Chicago Cubs.

BTW, owners with long memories may remember Peyton as the avid Dodger fan who somehow infiltrated the San Francisco Giants backchannel
to make an impressive MLB singing debut at AT&T Park when she was still in grade school.

Standings: At-A-Glance . Overall . Division . Hitting . Pitching . Power-Hitting Pitching . HOF . Yesterday
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Start-of-Season Housecleaning

Before we call the 2013 season fully up and running, we have a some housecleaning items that we need to address…

First, please check your Creepy Cardinals Pitcher Death Watch Pool selections. A lot of you selected pitchers who were not on the Opening Day roster and do not belong in the Death Watch Pool. Get back to us with your roster replacements ASAP.

Cardinals Openng Day Roster
Cardinals Opening Day Pitching Roster


Second, check your Magic Numbers. You should note that numbers 25 and 29 are not taken. Since no one took us up on our earlier offer, let’s try again: The first owner to contact me asking for Magic Numbers 25 or 29 can have that number. As a reminder, Magic Numbers allow us to break the logjam of ties for the HOF Death Pool and the Creepy Cardinals Death Watch Pool. This offer is good until Monday night.

Third, FYI, you can make trades any time during the Regular Season. The price of a trade is currently $5, but the price increases as the season progresses. Though you are limited to ten paid trades, the first five will earn you one free trade and the second five will earn you two more free trades. So, if you pay for ten trades, you’ll get three more for free.

Fourth, while we do our best to make sure everything is accurate, we occasionally make mistakes. If you notice that we have done something wrong with your roster, your Hall-of-Fame roster, or your Creepy Cardinals pitcher, contact us and let us know so that we can fix it.

Fifth, owners have already begun paying their ownership fees, which we always appreciate. If you haven’t yet paid, there are multiple ways to pay. Pay already!

Sixth, and finally, this will be the last e-mail we send to all owners until the $5 trade is about to end (unless there’s an injury before then that we want to announce); we don’t want to clog up your In Box, ya know? To get SLPL news, see our Sunday Morning WTF?!, and just generally keep up on league nuttiness, be sure to check in daily at http://www.santa-lechuga.com/.

Good luck during the 2013 season!

Standings: At-A-Glance . Overall . Division . Hitting . Pitching . Power-Hitting Pitching . HOF . Yesterday
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My Fellow Lechugians

My Fellow Lechugians:

As Pedregoso pointed out I (and Dan) am taking a year off from the SLPL. Really, this is nothing personal. I had been sick for a couple weeks and was starting to feel the pressure I feel every year at this time … who to pick? Will I ever win? Can't I just enjoy baseball in it's purest form and blah, blah, blah. My enthusiasm for baseball has waned a bit with all the high salaries and idiot owners. I have every intention of fronting another year of the
Creepy Cardinal Death Pool and will be more than happy to pay out if it comes to pass (or one Cardinals pitcher passes). I love the league and everyone involved and I look forward to just checking the website and mocking team owners for their bad moves. I will be back next year, ready to kick ass (but probably ending up in the mediocre 40's). As George Costanza would say, "It's not you, it's me.” Or maybe it is you!!!

Have a great season everyone … the good news is that we only have to put up with Tim McCarver for one more season.

xoxo

Sue Klinkhamer

Standings: At-A-Glance . Overall . Division . Hitting . Pitching . Power-Hitting Pitching . HOF . Yesterday
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Sue Klinkhamer Is Still Sponsoring the Cardinals Death Pool!

We erroneously reported yesterday -- “E, Pedregoso” -- that former SLPL owner Sue Klinkhamer was not sponsoring the Creepy Cardinals Pitcher Death Pool, the single most redeeming feature of this league. However, last night league officials received an official communique from Sue saying, and we quote: “I’m still in for the Creepy Cardinals Pitcher Death Pool. I'm only out (of the SLPL) for a year. I honor my commitments for the long haul!!” That means the amount that can be won should we be lucky enough to have a Cardinals pitcher tragically expire is now back up to $1200. Thank you, Sue! Putting your cash-money in the pot, even she you’re not officially in the league, is way above and beyond the call of duty. The league appreciates it! And the Bobblehead-of-Lettuce bobbles for you!

Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble!


Speaking of the Cardinals Death Pool...
Owners, check the Creepy Cardinals Pitcher Death Watch Pool rosters. A lot of you selected pitchers who were not on the Cardinals Opening Day roster and are not eligible to win (by losing in a most serious way). Get back to us with your roster replacements ASAP.

Did You Catch That?
Some entire seasons go by without pitchers on SLPL rosters hitting a home run, which means we can’t pay out monies to aPower-Hitting Pitchers (PHP) champ. That won’t be a problem this year since, on Opening Day, Clayton Kershaw hit a dong for the Dodgers. This made a lot of SLPL owners happy, but especially the five with Magic Number 1, who now lead the PHP standings.

The season is already rockin’ and rollin’!

Standings: At-A-Glance . Overall . Division . Hitting . Pitching . Power-Hitting Pitching . HOF . Yesterday
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The 2013 Season Begins!

With a some bitchen new owners, some returning wayward owners, a full slate of 48 teams, a kick-a** Excel spreadsheet, and a wicked six-month Tequila hangover, the 2013 Santa Lechuga Power League has begun. “Who the heck are these new guys? Have we done thorough background checks? Will they pass the mustard?” asked Commissioner Rube Furrow when shown short biographies on the new owners. “Everyone knows that when we go out to eat, I need my Dijon. These guys better deliver.”

With the 2012 season officially done and the 2013 season officially kicked off, Furrow spent this morning idly speculating about the new owners. “We still can’t figure out why people join this damn league, but there you go. Explain humans to me. But these new guys are a cocky bunch. For instance, check out this
Frankie Montellano dude (owner of She Wants the Dee). He’s talking smack the second he gets in the league. Get this, he says: ‘Peyton Olivarria is my girlfriend of two years. This league can’t be that hard if two of her brothers (Brandon Olivarria, Kyle Harmon) and her dad, Mark, have already won this thing!!’ I mean, who is this guy? And who’s gonna leave the smack down on him that he’s already begging for?”

Furrow then found himself pondering his owns recruiting efforts. “I know I tried to recruit (Peanunski owner)
Stephanie Wigton-Livernois a while back, but I thought she thought I was nuts. I was babbling about bobbleheads and such and she looked at me like, well, pretty much everyone looks at me, cockeyed, wondrous, sad. But a couple years pass and -- boom! -- there’s Stevie, submitting a roster with great enthusiasms. So many enthusiasms, in fact, that she recruited a friend of hers.”

That friend would be Petey’s Picks owner
Kathy Davi. “Kathy is apparently in it with her son, Petey. We don’t know much about either of ‘em except that Kathy’s a CPA, which means she’s good with numbers,” Furrow said. “That scares me a little, especially if we let her anywhere near the league’s finances. We’re running this league on aluminum foil and Scotch tape … we don’t need no fancy-fancy CPA-types peeking behind the curtains. But good luck to her and Petey!”

Rube also welcomed back a couple wayward owners who left the league for a season or two but found their way back. “It’s great to have
Peyton Olivarria back in the mix. We promise to overlook the fact that she’s yet another Dodger fan -- who’s letting them all in the league?! -- because she once sang the National Anthem at a Giant’s game. And we like her new team name, No Greinke My Wankee, which she says in reference to the movie Sixteen Candles, where the guy says ‘no more yankee my wankee, the Donger need food.’ It’s been a while since I saw that movie, so I’ll trust her on that reference.”

“And welcome back to longtime Bad Spinach owner
Jim Johnson, who left us for undisclosed reasons that are certain to put a stain on my reputation should the facts ever see the light of day,” Furrow said. “When he submitted his roster, Jim said: ‘Nothing says SLPL championship like poisoned lettuce!’, which is really more than I wished he had said. Enough about that.”

Finally, Rube gave a big shout out all the other veterans who have returned. “This looks like a great group, and we appreciate our veteran owners for coming back to the league. We’re not sure what brought all off them back, but we’re glad they’re here. It should be a great season!”

In Important League News
Sue “Buzzkill” Klinkhamer is no longer in the league. She gave some lame-assed excuse about being sick and not having the energy to join. (We’re still trying to calculate the amount of energy it takes to sit in a Barcalounger and click around the Internet. It’s far less than she’s making it out to be, we’re certain.) So, with her being all out of the league and stuff, it’s not fair to ask her to continue to sponsor the Creepy Cardinals Death Watch Pool. This means that the amount that can be won in the Creepy Cardinals Death Watch Pool has been cut in half. That pot now sits at $600 instead of $1200. I would apologize, but my cash-money in still in the pot. If you have issues, please take them up with Sue.

In Less-Important League News
Meanwhile, the league lost another longtime owner, Sue’s husband Dan “Spoilsport” Klinkhamer, who had his widdle fee-fees hurt last season because he had only won $625 over the previous three seasons. Dan says he wants to watch from afar rather than be angry about this team’s performance all season. I get what he’s saying, caring about his team’s performance and all, but you’d think winning an average of $200-plus a season would allow you to, you know, enjoy the league. Anyway, we know one thing for sure: Dan is guaranteed to win Jack Sierra this season.

We hate seeing the Klinkhamers go, Sue because she gave us endless amount of material with her windsocky ways, deft and wry humor, and league enthusiasms. And Dan we will miss because he gave us an endless amount of material with his being a big blowhard who complains. About. Absolutely. Everything. I mean, even after winning $625 in three seasons the dude constantly whined and complained, like he was owed some big favor because he hadn’t won more.

Come we think of it, maybe we won’t miss Dan. But, Sue, we will really miss you!

Meanwhile...

Owners, please check the
Creepy Cardinals Pitcher Death Watch Pool rosters. A lot of you selected people who were not on the Opening Day roster and do not belong in the Death Watch Pool. Get back to us with your roster replacements ASAP.

And while you’re at it, check your
regular rosters to make sure we entered them into our stats aggregator correctly. With 15 players each for 48 teams, we’re bound to make some mistakes. If we made some, let us know by telling us what we got wrong.

Finally, check out the
Magic Numbers. For one day and one day only, if you find you have a number that at least one other owner has, you can change that number to a number that no other owner has. Spots are limited so get back to us quick like.

Good luck to one and all during the 2013 season!

Standings: At-A-Glance . Overall . Division . Hitting . Pitching . Power-Hitting Pitching . HOF . Yesterday
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Weston Livernois Wins 2012 SLPL HOF Death Pool! 2013 Season About to Begin

With the first pitch of last night's Astros/Rangers game, Hostile Mobs of Minecraft owner Weston Livernois was officially* crowned the 2012 winner of the Phil Rizzuto Memorial Hall-of-Fame Death Pool, thereby officially closing out the 2012 season. “I would like to thank Stan Musial for financing my 2013 season and for giving me a little extra scratch for some online gaming,” Weston said after scraping the last $150 out of the 2012 pot. “Stan’s death, while sad and disconcerting to those who knew him, brought me great, great joy. I will remember him fondly as someone who did something significant in baseball or something like that while I kick some online alien butt.”

*When we say "officially," we mean that as of right now we know of no other Hall-of-Famers who died before last night's first pitch. If news stories come through that someone kicked it before last night’s game began, we'll have to revise our officialness status and re-award the monies.

Meanwhile, league officials are busy getting ready for the 2013 season, which officially kicks off today at 1:05 pm EST, when rosters are due. "What? Today? Already?!" a hangover-laden Commissioner
Rube Furrow said today at his annual new season press conference. "Isn't there anyone in the league offices that can warn me a day or two beforehand that the season's about to begin?! I'm surrounded by boneheads."

Despite Furrow's inattention, owners have been busy submitting rosters and grabbing the final available team spots. If you haven't already done so but plan to be in the league, getchyer rosters in fast. As in 1:05 pm Eastern time fast.

For Those Interested In Such Things
Here’s how the Hall-of-Fame Death Pool points are scored: “Points are earned by subtracting the reported age of the dirt-napper at the time of his death (rounded down to the most-recent birthday) from 100 and multiplying the result by 5.”

And here’s how the Magic Number works:
The team with the Magic Number closest to the Date-of-Death (DoD) will get an extra 25 points. If that team's Magic Number matches the DoD, the team will instead get 50 extra points.

Finally, here’s the Microsoft Excel formula we used to calculate Weston’s winning Hall-of-Fame Death Pool points of 180:
=(((100-92)*5)+50)+(((100-92)*5)+50)

Weston had Stan Musial on his roster twice and hit the Magic Number, er, dead on.

Congratulations, Weston!

Now let's get the 2013 season started!
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The '13 Santa Lechuga Power League Begins Tomorrow!

Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble! Bobble!

The 2013 Santa Lechuga Power League (SLPL) begins tomorrow! Rosters are due by the first pitch thrown on the big Opening Day, tomorrow,Monday, April 1st. Use this form to submit your roster. If you decide to go all e-maily on us, make sure your roster includes:

  • Ten hitters, to hit the bombs.
  • Five pitchers, to throw the whiffs.
  • Five death-worthy Hall-of-Famers (Doug Harvey excluded) to pass away during the season.
  • One Magic Number (1 through 31), to break ties.
  • One current Cardinal pitcher, to die unexpectedly so the team can creepily parade his jersey around the dugout for the rest of the season and so Fox announcers can prattle endlessly about it like they just saw a bus hit a pedestrian five feet in front of them.
You already know how the scoring and payouts work. (If you need a reminder, go here and here.) Nothing's changed from last season 'cause, frankly, this league runs like a top. You know, before the top starts getting all wobbly and stuff.

Here are a several other things our veteran owners should remember...

We Dole Out the Cash
Last season alone, we spread the winning of $2,900 across 13 champs.

We Reward Handsomely When You Recruit New Owners
The first new owner you recruit will let you take $5 off your ownership fees. The second new owner you recruit will net you a free $5 trade. The third new owner will get you a free $10 trade. The fourth new owner will get you a free $15 trade. And the fifth new owner will get you a free $20 trade. Bottom line: If you recruit five new owners, the SLPL will give $5 off your ownership fees and $50 worth of free trades. So, recruit some new owners ... and tell them to cite you as their recruiter. (See here.)

We Have Ten Great Reasons to Join
The list of reasons to join the SLPL is endless, so we conveniently boiled it down to ten great reasons. (See here.)

We Award Free Trades When You Make Paid Trades
Like last season, you can earn free trades by making paid trades. Here's how it works:

For the first five (5) paid trades you make, you will get one (1) free trade. For the second five (5) paid trades you make, you will get two (2) more free trades. So, for the cost of ten (10) trades, you will get a total of 13.

(See here.)

We Have a Hall-of-Fame Death Pool
Here's how it works:

You pick five -- count 'em, five! -- Major League Baseball Hall-of-Fame inductees who have already been formally inducted at the beginning of the 2012 season. (This means that those who were selected to be inducted in the July 2012 induction ceremony are not eligible for the 2012 SLPL season.) If HOFers on your roster die, you pick up points. The team with the most points at the end of the World Series wins the pot.

To fill out your roster, you can pick one player multiple times. So, if you really wanted Joe Morgan to die, you could put him on your HOF roster as many as five times, which means you will earn five times the points should he die in a fortunate boating accident.

The Death Pool will run from Opening Day 2013 to the first pitch of Opening Day 2014. Monies will be awarded once the champ is awarded.

(See
here.)

We Have a Creepy Cardinals Pitcher Death Watch Pool ... and the Pool is Up to $1,000
Pedregoso Rios
and owner Sue Klinkhamer are personally ponying up $100 dollars apiece every season to be awarded to the SLPL owner who identifies the next Creepy Cardinals pitcher to die during the regular season or playoffs (for as long as the Cardinals are playing). Since this is season number six for Pedregoso & Sue's Creepy Cardinals Pitcher Death Watch Pool, the pool currently sits at $1,200. (See here.) UPDATE AS OF 4/1/13: We just learned that Sue Klinkhamer is no longer in the league; as a result, she is no longer sponsoring the Creepy Cardinals Death Watch Pool. This means that amount that can be won has been cut in half from what it had been in previous years.

We Need Your Roster and New Recruits by the First Pitch Thrown Tomorrow (April 1)
Getchyer rosters in by 1:05 pm Eastern time tomorrow, Monday, April 1. Getchyer new recruits recruited! And getchyer horseshoe out of the attic to bring you good luck during the season!

Pedregoso

P.S. More than half our 48 spots are already taken. Don't be left out.

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Rosters Are Due Monday by 1:05 pm Eastern

Just a reminder that rosters are due this Monday by 1:05 pm Eastern time. Getchyer roster in quick-like!
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Join the SLPL In Five Easy Steps

The Santa Lechuga Power League is a campy little fantasy baseball league. It’s no slick-CBS-Sportsline-type league where nobody knows anybody and everybody just wants to end up in the 51st-percentile or above. Instead, the SLPL is made up of family and friends and extended family and friends of brothers Joe and Tony Livernois, who run the thing for their own amusement and for the amusement of said family and friends. And because Jay (as his family knows him) and Tony are simple-minded goofs, they run a simple little league with big-time payouts. Points are earned using home runs and strikeouts. That's it. Oh, and as side bets, we track the heartbeats of Hall-of-Famers and Creepy Cardinals pitchers in our exclusive Death Pools. It’s that easy.

If you’re thinking about joining, here are five basic steps you need to complete to become a new owner:

Plan on joining us in 2013, wontchya? And if you’re looking for a little light reading once the season gets started, why not catch up on the
History of the SLPL or read up on the evil Bobblehead-of-Lettuce?
We hope to see you!
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Ten Reasons to Join the Santa Lechuga Power League

While there are literally thousands of reasons to join the Santa Lechuga Power League -- last year alone, the number of reasons equaled $2,900 -- we have listed our favorite ten reasons here.

Several teams have already joined the league for 2013, but you have until Monday at 1:05 pm Eastern time to submit one if you haven't already done so. There are only 48 spots available, so grab your spot quick-like by using
this form.

Oh, and be sure to recruit some new owners. It's always fun to have a lot of fresh blood in the waters, er, in the league.

Good luck picking your roster. May the odds be forever in your favor.
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SLPL Video: In A World Without Decent Fantasy Baseball...

The video announcing last year’s season is still fresh, especially if you haven’t seen it yet, that we have decided we don’t need to update it. So there. Besides, we don’t have that kind of time.

Remember, the Santa Lechuga Power League fills the world's gaping vacuum known as decent fantasy baseball. Now, these knuckleheads just need to sober up ...



UPDATE AS OF 4/1/13: We just learned that Sue “Buzzkill” Klinkhamer and Dan “My Wittle Fee Fees Are Hurt ‘Cause I Only Won $150 In 2012” Klinkhamer are no longer in the league. This video, then, is *really* out of date.

Comments

The '13 Santa Lechuga Power League Begins In A Week!

The 2013 Santa Lechuga Power League (SLPL) begins in 12 days! Rosters are due by the first pitch thrown on the big Opening Day, Monday, April 1st. Use this form to submit your roster. If you decide to go all e-maily on us, make sure your roster includes:
  • Ten hitters, to hit the bombs.
  • Five pitchers, to throw the whiffs.
  • Five death-worthy Hall-of-Famers (Doug Harvey excluded) to pass away during the season.
  • One Magic Number (1 through 31), to break ties.
  • One current Cardinal pitcher, to die unexpectedly so the team can creepily parade his jersey around the dugout for the rest of the season and so Fox announcers can prattle endlessly about it like they just saw a bus hit a pedestrian five feet in front of them.
You already know how the scoring and payouts work. (If you need a reminder, go here and here.) Nothing's changed from last season 'cause, frankly, this league runs like a top. You know, before the top starts getting all wobbly and stuff.

Here are a several other things our veteran owners should remember...

We Dole Out the Cash
Last season alone, we spread the winning of $2,900 across 13 champs.

We Reward Handsomely When You Recruit New Owners
The first new owner you recruit will let you take $5 off your ownership fees. The second new owner you recruit will net you a free $5 trade. The third new owner will get you a free $10 trade. The fourth new owner will get you a free $15 trade. And the fifth new owner will get you a free $20 trade. Bottom line: If you recruit five new owners, the SLPL will give $5 off your ownership fees and $50 worth of free trades. So, recruit some new owners ... and tell them to cite you as their recruiter. (See here.)

We Have Ten Great Reasons to Join
The list of reasons to join the SLPL is endless, so we conveniently boiled it down to ten great reasons. (See here.)

We Award Free Trades When You Make Paid Trades
Like last season, you can earn free trades by making paid trades. Here's how it works:

For the first five (5) paid trades you make, you will get one (1) free trade. For the second five (5) paid trades you make, you will get two (2) more free trades. So, for the cost of ten (10) trades, you will get a total of 13.

(See here.)

We Have a Creepy Cardinals Pitcher Death Watch Pool ... and the Pool is Up to $1,000
Pedregoso Rios
is personally ponying up $100 dollars every season to be awarded to the SLPL owner who identifies the next Creepy Cardinals pitcher to die during the regular season or playoffs (for as long as the Cardinals are playing). Since this is season number six for Pedregoso’s Creepy Cardinals Pitcher Death Watch Pool, the pool currently sits at $600. (See here.) UPDATE AS OF 4/1/13: We just learned that Sue Klinkhamer is no longer in the league; as a result, she is no longer sponsoring the Creepy Cardinals Death Watch Pool. This means that amount that can be won has been cut in half from what it had been in previous years.

We Have a Hall-of-Fame Death Pool
Here's how it works:

You pick five -- count 'em, five! -- Major League Baseball Hall-of-Fame inductees who have already been formally inducted at the beginning of the 2012 season. (This means that those who were selected to be inducted in the July 2012 induction ceremony are not eligible for the 2012 SLPL season.) If HOFers on your roster die, you pick up points. The team with the most points at the end of the World Series wins the pot.

To fill out your roster, you can pick one player multiple times. So, if you really wanted Joe Morgan to die, you could put him on your HOF roster as many as five times, which means you will earn five times the points should he die in a fortunate boating accident.

The Death Pool will run from Opening Day 2013 to the first pitch of Opening Day 2014. Monies will be awarded once the champ is awarded.

(See
here.)

We Need Your Roster and New Recruits by the First Pitch Thrown On Monday, April 1
Getchyer rosters in. Getchyer new recruits recruited! And getchyer horseshoe out of the attic to bring you good luck during the season!

Pedregoso

P.S. So far, we have received rosters from
Brian Thornburg and Joe Kelly. If you submitted a roster and are not listed here, please re-submit it and accept our apologies for a wonky website.
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