Santa Lechuga Power League:

The Best Damn Fantasy Baseball League In the Universe! (Yes. Universe.)

Sep 2013

Kevin Klinkhamer (Unofficially) Crowned 2013 Regular Season Champ

Dongwhipped owner Kevin Klinkhamer, who was in first place for only nine days this season while trailing Cabbage Farmers owner Paul Martin for most of it, made deft moves and had a little bit of luck to ultimately overcome Paul in the final days of the season to (unofficially) win the 2013 Regular Season Championship.

“I was convinced Tulow would go yard in his last at bat and spoil everything,” Kevin said as he was being doused with sparkling grape juice. “When he walked, I knew I had won. I still can’t believe it.”

Asked about the sparkling grape juice, Kevin said, “Yeah, I’m gonna wait until it’s official to break out with the champagne.”

Kevin being crowned Regular Season Champ is not yet official because the regular season is not officially over yet;
Tampa Bay and Texas are playing a one-game playoff today to determine who will play in Wednesday’s Wild Card playoff. But as best as our math-challenged and tequila-addled brains can figure, there is no way for Paul to overcome Kevin’s 5-point lead since they share the same Rays and Rangers players. Having said that, we aren’t making it official just in case we are missing something or in case some 3rd or 4th place team goes on a tear during today’s action.

This is the second time Kevin has been crowned Regular Season Champ.
He last won in 2006. When asked if he was going to win the Overall Championship, Kevin said, “Who cares? We win the same amount. Besides, winnings from the Regular Season spends exactly the same as winnings from Overall.”

Meanwhile, with the Regular Season still officially going, folks can still make trades to prepare for the playoffs. This includes owners who have free trades coming.
Best as we can tell, the following teams have earned free trades that they have not yet used:
  • 1C The Pathetics (1), Ray Jasutis
  • 1D Cain I Lincecum in Ur Posey (13), Dave Adrian
  • 2C Chente (2), Vince Livernois
  • 3C Weston's Warriors (3), Weston Livernois
  • 4A Sandyeggo Padres (15), Jack Tripp
  • 6E Valley Bombers (8), Jeff Burns
  • 8A Highlanders (1), Rick Coppock
  • 8D Peanunski (29), Stephanie Wigton
  • 8E Golden Sombreros (9), Brandon Olivarria
Using a free trade cannot hurt you in any way. Make your trade before the last out of today’s one-game playoff.


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Final Day Of The Regular Season. Kinda. Sorta. Maybe.

Horse Race Update: Dongwhipped owner Kevin Klinkhamer added a single point to his Overall lead after yesterday’s action and now holds a 3-point lead in the Overall Standings over Cabbage Farmers owner Paul Martin. There is one day left in the regular season, not counting any playoff games to determine the AL Wild Card participants.

Today is the last day of the Regular Season, the day we crown the Regular Season Champ along with a whole host of other champs! Well, actually, today is the last
scheduled day of the Regular Season. If things go to hell in the AL Wild Card race -- seriously, just check out the various scenarios -- Monday and Tuesday could provide some real craziness. But let’s just assume, for the sake of sanity, that today is the last day of the Regular Season so that we can communicate what needs to be communicated at the end of a Regular Season just in case today is actually and for reals the last day of the Regular Season. Got that?

Okay, here’s what you need to know: With the end of the Regular Season comes the end of trading for the season. From our
trade rules: “Trading ends when the Regular Season ends, which is with the final out made of the final game played on the final day of the season (including any playoff games to determine Division or Wild Card winners).”

For those of you that have earned free trades, it’ll cost you nothing to make those trades, but you have to make ‘em before the final out of the final game of the Regular Season season, whenever the hell that is; after that, those free trades are lost to the ether.

By my calculations, 14 teams have earned a total of 26 free trades; several teams have already used free trades, but many still have free trades due them. Why lose those? You may as well pick up a dark horse for the playoffs that no one else has just to see if he can get you to the promised land.
So, get your final trades to me, STAT!


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Exit Sandman

Horse Race Update: Dongwhipped owner Kevin Klinkhamer has once again bounced into 1st place after yesterday’s action and holds a 2-point lead in the Overall Standings over Cabbage Farmers owner Paul Martin. There are two days left in the regular season, not counting any playoff games to determine the AL Wild Card participants.

Tip of the Ballcap to Carrboro T-Birds owner
Brian Thornburg, who via Facebook linked to Yankee closer Mariano Rivera’s send-off at Yankee Stadium and commented, “Just this once, there can be crying in baseball … congrats to Mariano Rivera. Exit Sandman.”



Even for those of us who consider ourselves confirmed despisers of the Yankees, we have to agree that
that was one hell of a sendoff. I particularly love how the announcers just shut their traps and just let the event play out.

With this Tip of the Ballcap, Brian ties
Joe Kelley in 2nd place with five Tips. Jay Livernois is in 1st with seven Tips. Kevin Klinkhamer is in 3rd place with four. Vince Livernois is in 4th place all alone with three Tips. Marcus Rochellle and league follower Missy (@missyisms) each have two Tips.


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Looks Friendly? I Think Not!

Horse Race Update: Cabbage Farmers owner Paul Martin has jumped back in front of Dongwhipped owner Kevin Klinkhamer and holds a 1-point lead in the Overall Standings. And, we’re coming down the stretch …

Tip of the Ballcap to Carrboro T-Birds owner
Brian Thornburg, who via Facebook sent us the following video with this message: “No, you STILL can't beat fun at the old ballpark … Hey, Pedregoso -- let the folks on SLPL see THIS one!”



With this Tip of the Ballcap, Brian ties
Kevin Klinkhamer in 3rd place with four Tips. Jay Livernois is in 1st with seven Tips. Joe Kelley is in 2nd has five Tips. Vince Livernois is in 4th place all alone with three Tips. Marcus Rochellle and league follower Missy (@missyisms) each have two Tips.


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The Most Useless Website On The Internet, Part 12

Horse Race Update: Dongwhipped owner Kevin Klinkhamer now holds a 3-point lead in the Overall Standings over Cabbage Farmers owner Paul Martin. The team with the most points at the end of the regular season (including any necessary tiebreaker games) will be crowned the Regular Season Champ.

Tip of the Ballcap to The Heart is a Lonely Hunter Pence owner
Jay Livernois, who gets into the spirit of sharing uselessness by sharing this stunningly useless website, the latest entry in our increasingly popular Most Useless Website On the Internet series.

With this Tip of the Ballcap, Jay extends his lead with seven Tips.
Joe Kelley has five Tips. Kevin Klinkhamer has four. Brian Thornburg and Vince Livernois are tied for 4th place with three Tips apiece. Marcus Rochellle and league follower Missy (@missyisms) each have two Tips.


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Two. Points. The Other Way. Klinkhamer Takes Over First Place

Two points. The other way. On yesterday’s action -- and with just five days of baseball left -- Dongwhipped, owned by Kevin Klinkhamer, jumped into first place in the Overall Standings, leapfrogging perpetual leader Cabbage Farmers, owned by Paul Martin. Can Paul retake the lead? Or will Kevin hold on and be crowned the Regular Season Champ? Stay tuned for a great ending to the 2013 Regular Season!


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Fun

Gotta love it when a perpetual loser finally prevails. Maybe that will happen for me in the SLPL some day.


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Two. Points.

Two points. With seven days of baseball left, that’s all that separates second place Dongwhipped, owned by Kevin Klinkhamer, from first place Cabbage Farmers, owned by Paul Martin. Two points. An entire season where Paul pretty much owned the top spot, but Kevin has been relentlessly nipping at his heels and is now in a position to make Paul really sweat for these final days. Can Kevin overtake Paul? Or will Paul hold on and be crowned the Regular Season Champ? Stay tuned.


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Sunday Morning WTF?! Where Did The Season Go? Redux

I just realized that I can just repeat last week’s Sunday Morning WTF?! and it would be just as relevant, so here goes, with key information updated…

There are exactly
eight days of Regular Season baseball left for the 2013 season. The Pot is up to $2,640. We have received $1,125 in payments. There are still players on the disabled list or suspended for the season. You still have time to make trades. Every Hall-of-Famer who began the season drawing a pension and breath is still drawing a pension and breath. No Creepy Cardinals Pitchers have taken the dirt nap. And Cabbage Farmers owner Paul Martin is leading in the Overall Standings, as he has most of the season.

All that said, where the hell did the season go?! One day we are announcing
that the season is about to begin, the next we are announcing that there is one week left. Oh, sure, we remember that some things actually happened during the season, like we thought we might go dark a number of times due to travel, hanky computers with various afflictions, and bad Internet connections at horrible hotels, but it never happened. We found lots and lots of useless websites, declaring each the most useless of all. Punching Judy’s owner Jeren Livernois became the league’s official scorer and made some key rulings. And we have Tipped Our Ballcap a number of times to lots of folks for contributing to this blog by referring us to good stuff on the Intertubes. But still, it seems like just yesterday that we were looking forward to the new season, and now we are soon going to be looking forward to a new season again.

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, Regular Season?!?! You just started and now you’re almost over. W!? T!? F!?


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Give That Fan A Contract

Tip of the Ballcap to Dongwhippped owner Kevin Klinkhamer, who finally shares a rainbows-and-unicorns story that doesn’t involve alligators the size of RVs, testicle eating monkeys, or snakes on the motherfoxtrottin’ toilet.




That this story happened in Cleveland as the Indians were sliding into contention for a Wild Card playoff berth makes me even more fond of this story. Thanks, Kevin. Almost all is forgiven.

With this Tip of the Ballcap, Kevin takes over 3rd place all alone with four.
Jay Livernois leads with six. Joe Kelley has five Tips. Brian Thornburg and Vince Livernois are tied for 4th place with three Tips apiece. Marcus Rochellle and league follower Missy (@missyisms) each have two Tips.


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Grampaul Martin's Cabbage Farmers Ahead By Just Eight Points

What the what?! Here I am, minding my own business, watching the Regular Season pass with no neverminds, just figuring that Cabbage Farmers owner Paul Martin would win it all. Dude’s been in first place nearly uncontested nearly the entire season, so who’s to think he’s gonnna lose the lead in the final two weeks of the season?

Then, boom!

I glance at the standings this morning and Dongwhipped owner
Kevin Klinkhamer is just eight points out of first place in the Overall Standings. This changes things, doesn’t it? Attention must be paid. Kevin just might overtake Paul.

Ah, man, Kevin, do you really want to do that? Paul just became a grandfather. Grampaul Martin has toys and clothes and diapers and accessories to buy the young one. You want to take all that away from an infant? Really?!

Grampaul Martin
Former SLPL owner Brian with Grampaul Martin holding the Little One


To be fair to Kevin, though, any monies won by Grampaul will just as likely go toward getting another keg of Guinness for his indoor tap so that he can celebrate the birth of his new grandkid, so go ahead, make it competitive!

Standings: At-A-Glance . Overall . Division . Hitting . Pitching . All-Star . All-Star Stats . PHP . HOF . Yesterday
Pay Already! . Make A Trade . Contact Us


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Dumbsierras Got What They Deserved

“Look,” I said, “if you absolutely must move the frame for this year’s Christmas lights to the other side of the stadium, please don’t walk through the middle of the bullring, especially if there’s a bullfight going on. Just walk it around the outside of the stadium.” The dumbsierras got what they deserved, if you ask me.

eYWYjFg


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Eagle's-Eye View

Holy crap, this is awesome! I could watch it all day.



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(Better Not) Call Saul

He knows a cool band when he hears one, but he knows Jack Sierra about making music videos.



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Kindness

Be kind.




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Sunday Morning WTF?! Where Did The Season Go?

There are exactly 15 days of Regular Season baseball left for the 2013 season. The Pot is up to $2,635. We have received $880 in payments. There are still players on the disabled list or suspended for the season. You still have time to make trades. Every Hall-of-Famer who began the season drawing a pension and breath is still drawing a pension and breath. No Creepy Cardinals Pitchers have taken the dirt nap. And Cabbage Farmers owner Paul Martin is leading in the Overall Standings, as he has most of the season.

All that said, where the hell did the season go?! One day we are announcing
that the season is about to begin, the next we are announcing that there are two weeks left. Oh, sure, we remember that some things actually happened during the season, like we thought we might go dark a number of times due to travel, hanky computers with various afflictions, and bad Internet connections at horrible hotels, but it never happened. We found lots and lots of useless websites, declaring each the most useless of all. Punching Judy’s owner Jeren Livernois became the league’s official scorer and made some key rulings. And we have Tipped Our Ballcap a number of times to lots of folks for contributing to this blog by referring us to good stuff on the Intertubes. But still, it seems like just yesterday that we were looking forward to the new season, and now we are soon going to be looking forward to a new season again.

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, Regular Season?!?! You just started and now you’re almost over. W!? T!? F!?


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Friendly Reminder

Dear Deadbeats:

Commissioner
Rube Furrow can't help but notice that a great number of Santa Lechuga team ownership groups are in deep arrears in the payment department. You know who you are. But if you don't, Rube suggests you review the depths of your debt by checking this link.

And after you've wrapped yourself in appropriate shame, please submit your payments forthwith or else Rube will be required to refer your case to SLPL attorney Saul Goodman. Saul knows a guy who knows a guy who has a brother who can make your life very uncomfortable for a very long time. You wouldn't want that.

Please send checks, money-orders or unmarked bills, payable to Joe Livernois, to 459 Echo Valley Road, Salinas, CA 93907.

Or you can send your owings like the big boys through PayPal by
using this link. Add the right combo of owner fees and trade fees to your cart and then check out.

payloom-5-thumbnail_1 payloom-4-thumbnail_1 payloom-3-thumbnail_1 payloom-2-thumbnail_1 payloom-1-thumbnail_1


Thanks in advance, and don't make us call Saul.

Rube


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Tensions Mounting, Redux: Vicarious and Vicious Nut-Crushing

Tip of the Ballcap to Dongwhippped owner Kevin Klinkhamer, who with yet another nut-crushing story seems intent on making the men of this league feel vicarious and vicious nut crushing pain. Here’s what he says: “The link (Carrboro T-Birds owner) Brian (Thornburg) sent in was great. But even better was the home run hit a couple of innings earlier that caused the eventual brouhaha. Gattis stared a bit too long at this HR and that is why Fernandez pimped it up after hitting his HR. However, the best part of the HR is where it landed. This clown literally watches the ball fly right into his crotch.”

Nut Crushing

No fun! No fun! No fun!

Kevin continued. “I could go on and on about this guy but won't waste my time as he is a Marlins fan and that will suffice for now. And much props to the commenter who chimed in with ‘The home run was measured at 395 feet, 3.5 inches.’”

Okay, that alone was worth the vicious and vicarious pain. Thanks, Kevin!

With this Tip of the Ballcap, Kevin moves into a 3rd place tie with Brian Thornburg and
Vince Livernois with three Tips apiece. Jay Livernois leads with six. Joe Kelley has five Tips. Marcus Rochellle and league follower Missy (@missyisms) each have two Tips.


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Tensions Mounting

Tip of the Ballcap to Carrboro T-Birds owner Brian Thornburg, who shared (via Facebook) this video with the comment “You can't beat fun at the old ballpark …”



Fun, fun, fun!

Personally, I’m going to give the “W” in this little battle to Jose Fernandez.

With this Tip of the Ballcap, Brian moves into a 3rd place tie with
Vince Livernois with three Tips apiece. Jay Livernois leads with six. Joe Kelley has five Tips. Kevin Klinkhamer, Marcus Rochellle and league follower Missy (@missyisms) each have two Tips.


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Cat Laser Pong

I could watch this all day.

SbW8sEh


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Just A Reminder: The Regular Season Ends September 29th

We are not too far from the end of the Regular Season. Now would be a good time to start getting your roster ready for a playoff run. Make trades.


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The Most Useless Website On The Internet, Part 11

Yeah, see. This is useless.


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Sunday Morning WTF?! You Despise Us! You Really, Really Despise Us!

We don’t ask for a lot. Really, we don’t. In a typical season in this funky little fantasy baseball league, we ask you to pay your ownership fees and to pay for any trades you make. But that’s purely transactional; you joined the league and made the trades, so asking you to pay isn’t like asking for a great favor like, say, asking you to help us move furniture. Or a body. Beyond asking you to pay for your fees, we might encourage you to recruit more owners or make more trades. Both of these things help us jack up The Pot for our eventual winners, which is purely for the benefit of our eventual winners, but this type of encouragement is less of an “ask” and more of a “goad.” After that, unless it’s something very important to us, we pretty much ask nothing of you.

So when we make a simple request,
as we did yesterday, to not send us any more links to horrific creatures that will haunt our REM cycles and make us mega-a’scared of the water, we expect that you will do us a major solid by, you know, not sending us any more links to horrific creatures that will haunt our REM cycles and make us mega-a’scared of the water. It’s not a lot to ask, really. In fact, not sending us something is easily the easiest thing we could ask of you. It requires zero action on your part. So if you see something on the Interwebs that you think will make the hairs on the backs of our necks shiver in cold sweat and you’re not sure what to do? You simply don’t send it to us. You honor our simple request by doing nothing at all. It’s that easy.

And yet. And yet.

I bet you can see where this is going...

Just
hours after we posted our simple request to do nothing at all, to not send us any more cringe-worthy but otherwise unworthy terrorific links, yesterday’s tenuous Tip of the Ballcap receiver and Dongwhipped owner Kevin Klinkhamer sent us yet another link to another horrific story and video. The title alone made us instantly vomit into our coffee and fall onto the floor into a fetal position. Warning: We are about to show the title below. Don’t read the following unless you want to understand just how little we feel respected by our owners after making a simple request that happens to mean a lot to us.

“Zoo Monkey Tears Off Baby's Testicle, Eats It as Mom Watches In Horror”

Kevin, we love you, we really do. You have been an awesome owner from the get go. You’re almost always competitive, you’re always engaged in the league, you earn Tips of the Ballcap, and you’ve even authored fun blog entries. But when you sent us the link to that story and said, “Sorry man, I can't resist as this one is too good. At least you can mold it into a Sunday Morning WTF!? against monkeys in China ... and even incorporate (MFs In D.C. owner)
Marcus (Rochellle) somehow,” we’re not sensing any real sorry-ness. Instead, we’re sensing more of a “This-will-blow-their-foxtrotting-minds-when-they-try-to-go-to-sleep-tonight-I-just-know-it” feel to it.

So, no. We aren’t going to link to that article. We refuse. If other owners want to see how Kevin tried to curdle our blood -- as if the title of the article isn’t enough to do that -- they can Goggle the title. We just aren’t going to play that.

But you know how else that we know that Kevin wasn’t really sorry for sending that link? Because 12 minutes after he sent the first link -- 12!!!!! -- Kevin sent us yet another link,
this one intended to build on our fears of water to include the fear of hovering our butts over water to, er, do our business. Whiskey?! Tango?! Foxtrot?!, Kevin, what the foxtrot are you trying to do to us?! I mean, seriously, W?! T?! F?!

Snake In Toilet
(Click to embiggerize.)

Let us say this again: We don’t want links to stories or pictures that make us fear the innocuous, everyday things in our lives. Please, don’t send them. We ask you. We beg you. Don’t send them. It’s enough for us to try to get through life knowing that Christian Ponder is the starting quarterback for our beloved Minnesota Vikings. Seriously, don’t send them.

But if you do want to send links to stories and photos and videos that make us fear the innocuous, everyday things in our lives, please
use this link and select “I have an idea for a blog entry, a.k.a., ‘Give me a Tip of the Ballcap!’.”


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Guys, I Hate To Do This To You, Redux: Don't Go In The Water. Ever.

Tip of the ballcap -- but just barely, since he sent this just minutes after we emerged from a 16-hour tanning-bed session while we tried desperately to mentally and physically remove ourselves from any thought of water and all things H2O after stumbling on this fiasco of a creature in the animal kingdom -- to Dongwhipped owner Kevin Klinkhamer, who passed along this little horrific follow-up to Thursday’s entry.

Alligator
(Click to biggerize.)

If that picture doesn’t scare the bejeebers out of you, click this link for video.

Okay, folks, let’s call this game-set-match, okay? There absolutely no need to find increasingly scarier creatures to give us a mind foxtrot, you know? We saw pictures of the testicle-eating fish. That was enough. Really. Please, don’t go sharing any more dreadful beasts with us. Our current loop of nightly night terrors doesn’t need fresh blood, so to speak. So let’s just stop this right now. As much as we love giving you people tips of the ballcap, we don’t want to encourage anyone else to inject any more visions of a hellish demise into our heads. Stop it. Just stop it.

With this Tip of the Ballcap, Kevin moves into a fourth place tie with
Brian Thornburg, Marcus Rochellle, and league follower Missy (@missyisms), all with two apiece. Jay Livernois still leads with six Tips. Joe Kelley is in second place with five. Vince Livernois is in third place with three Tips.


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Wanna Beer?

Tip of the Ballcap to Kershawshank Redemption owner Joe Kelly for passing this along with the message “Sign this guy up for the SLPL!” Yes, let’s! And let’s get the lady who had the beer spilled all over her camera, too!



With this Tip of the Ballcap, Joe inches closer to
Jay Livernois with five Tips. Jay is in first with six. Vince Livernois is in third place solo with three Tips. Brian Thornburg, and league follower Missy (@missyisms), are tied for fourth place with two Tips each.


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Guys, I Hate To Do This To You: Be Prepared To Shiver In Horror, For Parts To Recede

Before you click the following link, prepare yourself, especially if you happen to sport both an X and a Y chromosome. What you are about to click is horrific. Really. Cringe-inducing, sweat-on-your-toenails horrific. Just thinking about this article will generate a dull-thudding pain where you would rather not feel a dull-thudding. Parts will recede. The pictures will burn into your eyes like a bad plasma screen TV with your DVR paused for three weeks on Judge Judy. Your nightmares will turn into night horrors. I’m seriously not being hyperbolic.

Okay. Ready?

Click this link.

Did you click it? Because if you did, I think I now know what Stephen King must feel like whenever he releases another book into the wild.

Ever since I read that article I’ve been questioning whether I ever want to get into water again. And I don’t just mean the Seinne, which, if you ask me, they can just shut that whole thing down right now; no people or pets should be allowed within 100 meters of the Seinne for, like, ever. No, I mean I don’t know if I ever want to get in
any water ever again. Lakes. Oceans. Swimming pools. Bathtubs. Knowing that that thing exists in the world, and you think I should go in water again? What, you crazy?!

Gah!

If you’re looking for me later today, I’ll be in the corner, over there, hugging myself and sobbing uncontrollably knowing that such horrors are allowed to exist in the world.


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The Most Useless Website On The Internet, Part 10

Because, who doesn’t like bouncing cats?


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A Lifelong Friendship

Jim Cummings 2
Jim Cummings


Here’s a quick but wonderful tour through the lifetime friendship of
Jim Cummings and Full Circuits owner Bill Cunning:

Read your posting of 8/31, "A Life Well Lived," again and I think it bears repeating how good the article was and how much Jim would have appreciated it.

We first connected when he was four and I was five, the early days of WWII. Our names were similar, our dads both went to Notre Dame, we attended the same parochial school, high school, we double-dated when we were teenagers, always meeting our girlfriends inside the theatre to save money, we both stretched nickels into dimes, we discovered Las Vegas mid-teens, we grew up with the Los Angeles Rams at the L.A. Coliseum, we were on the run from the disciplines of the nuns, we shared cigarettes unknown to our parents, we were taught survival skills from our elders, he was best man at my wedding and I at his, he was there when my daughter was born and I when his son and daughter were born, we were as competitive as hell, and ultimately we were launched into adulthood where we remained fast friends for life, communicating five or six times a week right up to last Thursday, the day before he died.

I mention these things only to point out I think have a pretty good idea how he thought, his philosophy and value system, his dreams, concerns, and his inner being and I can tell you that he would have really appreciated your sentiments, big time, and would have brought a huge smile to his face and busted off a couple of buttons from his chest.

Thanks again for great read.

And thank you, Bill, for sharing this with us.



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Labor Day

Lookie, you can learn all about Labor Day:



Or you can just watch a tenuously-themed video with animals doing crazy “labor”:



Or, I suppose, you can do both.



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