Santa Lechuga Power League:

The Best Damn Fantasy Baseball League In the Universe! (Yes. Universe.)

Jun 2013

Sunday Morning WTF?!: Just So Windows Of It

For this morning's Sunday Morning Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?!, I was all set to show some kuckleheaded kuckle-dragger trying to aim a rifle by holding the butt of the rifle just in front of his nose only to be knocked senseless by the butt of the gun on recoil. It was standard WTF fare, good and WTFish. But, as I do, I wanted to get the standings and stats posted first. A new blog post, if you didn't know it, is more than something funny or interesting or insightful or dopey or WTFish or whatever; it's also my visual cue to you that the standings and stats are piping hot, uploaded, and ready to be seen.

Just as an aside -- but seriously, I'm trying to buy time here, which I'll explain in a minute -- to generate the standings and stats, while a lot of steps, is pretty straightforward. I start up Parallels (the virtualization program that runs Windows 7 on my Mac), pop open my boffo Excel spreadsheet (refined these past 13 years to run like a top but which only runs on an old version of Microsoft Office on Windows because Microsoft discontinued macros), open the previous day's stats provided by our third-party stats provider, run the macro that copies the stats into all our various standings and then sorts them, and then run the macro to save all the various webpages that populate our Standings menu. From there, I FTP/upload all the piping hot new webpages to our website, then get to writing the blog post for the day.

So today I go to pop open Parallels, which opens just fine, but Windows won't start, which is just so Windows of it. I put on my Windows hat, which means I need to brace myself for a lot of wasted time trying to troubleshoot an unknown problem. I then try a lot of various Windowsy sierra, which doesn't solve the problem, but then I finally get a C-prompt -- yeah, Windows still has C-prompts, which is just so 1950s of it -- and from there I switch over to my Mac desktop, 'cause, yeah, it's a Mac and I don't have these types of problems on the Mac, do some Googling (what, you think I'm gonna Bing?!) and find some C-prompt kung fu written by others who have found themselves trapped in a similar circle of hell. I try a lot of that sierra and eventually get to an MS-DOS screen -- yeah, Windows still has MS-DOS screens, which is just so 1960s of it -- that says I can try a startup repair, which actually sounds quite promising, so I try that. It immediately shows this screen, which again was very promising:

Windoz

That was more than two hours ago. The reason I'm trying to buy time here is because I want to believe that a repair will actually happen. And here's the truly WTF thing after working through two hours of true Windows Whiskey Tango Foxtrotness: See that button in the lower right that says "Cancel"? Yeah, that one, the one that's not greyed out? It doesn't actually cancel. That's right, even though it's the only button available to me -- it is not grayed out and it is clickable -- clicking it immediately gives me a dialog box that says I can't cancel the repair process. So what the foxtrot is the purpose of the Cancel button?! To deliver news that it can't do what the button is clearly labeled to do?! Shouldn't the button be labeled, oh, I don't know, "Pointless”?!

Whiskey?! Tango?! Foxtrot?!, Microsoft?!?! C-prompts? MS-DOS screens? Cancel buttons that don’t cancel anything? It's like I'm living in a
Twilight Zone episode where instead of advancing, all technologies de-vance. The promise of advancement is (sometimes) laid out in a semi-coherent graphical user interface that does nothing more than eventually tell you that you can't do what it promised you would be able to do, and then does you the additional discourtesy of restricting your options of fixing a problem until the moment you can't even use a Cancel button to cancel something. "…but Pedregoso expected the computer to operate like computers are supposed to operate while using something Microsoft called an 'operating system' -- in the Twilight Zone." Seriously, Microsoft, W?! T?! F?!

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"One, Two, Three Strikes Yer Out!"

Tip of the ballcap to The Heart is a Lonely Hunter Pence owner Joe Livernois who (by way of Facebook) shared this bit of awesomesauce:



To which Chente owner Vince Livernois remarked “Strikeout with one pitch,” which reminded me of my most favoritest cartoon episode ever after the Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde Bugs Bunny episode. “I wish my brother George was here.”



Did I mention that I love the Internet?

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Yeah, So, You Should Celebrate *After* You Cross The Finish/Goal Line

It’s not as big a stage as the Super Bowl a la Leon Lett -- or, who knows, maybe it is … you can never tell with bizarre sports in not-America -- but it’s just as sweet to watch. I always love it when someone celebrates victory too early only to lose because s/he was too busy celebrating the victory that ultimately wasn’t to be.

1372181175_skater_finish_fail

Speaking of Lett, you can never get enough of Don Beebe taking advantage of his early celebration, so here it is:


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The Most Useless Website On The Internet, Part 8

I probably should have saved this for Part 10 in the series.

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Cold-Hearted Kick In The...

Golden Balls:



That has really got to hurt.

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“Cutting Cheese with Sue”

I was going to save this for Sunday to feature in our wildly-popular-but-little-known Sunday Morning Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?!, but there’s just way too much WTF here to wait five days before sharing it. Watch this now, then we’ll talk through just how foxtrotted up it really is.



There are several things to note here: (1) It’s a foxtrottin’ cheese slicer! Who doesn’t know how to use a cheese slicer?! If you had never seen a cheese slicer before, you could just look at the thing when it’s in the vicinity of a block of cheese and you’d automatically know what to do with it. (2) Here’s an idea: If you’re going to do a video on how to use a cheese slicer, do something useful like explain how to avoid getting all those extra crumbles at the bottom of the slice when you’re slicing dry cheeses like the world’s best cheese ever, Dubliner. “Slicing Dry Cheeses without Crumbles.” Now that would be useful. (3) Here’s another idea: If you’re going to title your show “Cooking with Sue” but you don’t cook a thing, consider changing the name of your show. In this video we saw cheese being sliced. With a cheese slicer. There were no pots. No pans. No heat. No spatulas. No sloshing boiling oil. Sue sliced foxtrottin’ cheese! So if all you’re going to do is slice cheese, how about renaming your show to “Cutting Cheese with Sue”? (4) See #1 above.

Look, I’m all for the Internet. I love the Internet. And with the ubiquity of high-speed Internet connections, I love the fact that we can access to all sorts of excellent videos across a myriad of great topics. But this isn’t one of those excellent videos and this is a horrible topic. If you want to teach a bunch of numbskulls who don’t know how to operate a cheese slicer how to slice cheese using a cheese slicer, don’t post a YouTube video. Instead, I hear the neo-natal intensive care units at hospitals around the world are always looking for ways to keep the preemies occupied. Maybe you can go teach them. Because, let’s be real here, preemies are pretty much the only population on earth who don’t know how to operate a foxtrottin’ cheese slicer.

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Skeeter Rules

Yesterday we asked Punching Judy's owner Jeren “Skeeter” Livernois -- official scorer at Modesto Nuts Professional Baseball Club, reporter at STATS LLC, and now official scorer of the Santa Lechuga Power League -- to make a ruling on who gets the putout when a kid falls from five stories up but eight people try to catch him. In comments, Jeren made his ruling:

Rule 10.09 (b)(9) The Official Scorer shall credit an automatic putout to the catcher when multiple fielders successfully prevent a small child from falling to his death. No assist shall be credited on the play.

If in the Official Scorer’s judgement the cameraman is close enough that he could have successfully made a play on the child with ordinary effort, the cameraman shall be given an error on the play.

So if you're scoring at home this is an error on the cameraman and give the putout to the catcher.


Awesome, awesome job, Jeren. We appreciate the clarity and the definitiveness of the ruling.

And, hey, this is fun! We’ll have to ask Skeeter to rule on miscellaneous and various other freaky life events as the season progresses.

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Sunday Morning WTF?!: Who Gets Credit For The Putout?

Yo, Punching Judy's owner Jeren Livernois -- official scorer at Modesto Nuts Professional Baseball Club and reporter at STATS LLC -- how would you score this:



Whiskey?! Tango?! Foxtrot?!, overeager Chinese outfielders?! Everyone knows that the centerfield calls it and the other players back away to let him do his job, like Joe Torre’s daughter did earlier this week. With all of you catching the baby at once, it’s nearly impossible to score this act of heroism. Seriously, W?! T?! F?!

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No Wonder He Never Joined the Santa Lechuga Power League

James Gandolfini was afraid of giant talking vegetables.



In other news, the Bobblehead-of-Lettuce was not in Rome last week.

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Mets Fans Will Love This

Or maybe not.

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Characteristically Dim

We weren’t dark all day, but we were characteristically dim most of it. That’s what happens when you accidentally leave your computer at the client site overnight and can’t use the computer the whole next day. Like we said, characteristically dim. So sue us.

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You Fall Withn A Bell Curve

I mentioned a coupla days ago that the world needs more Tim Minchin. In that vein:


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Mr. Diety Is Back: Layers and Layers of Absurdification

Trustify me, guys, releases of new Mr. Deity videos have a way of ebbing and flowing.


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We May Or May Not Be Going Dark, Part 5 (NSFYE)

After posting stats and standings this morning, we may or may not be going dark until Friday morning depending on whether or not the Econo Lodge in Middletown, NY, provides a dial-up Internet connection higher than 14.4 kbit/s and whether or not the anti-virus program on my Altair 4400 laptop cleans up the 463 viruses it started cleaning last Tuesday. Watch this space for more news. Or not.

In the meantime, here is an awesome -- though NSFYE, which means “not safe for young ears” -- video by Tim Minchin because, quite frankly, the world needs way,
way, way more Tim Minchin. (Seriously, this is not safe for young ears. Nephews and nieces of mine, please don’t watch this unless you get written consent from one of my siblings, signed in triplicate, and notarized by a Tunisian banker.)


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Sunday Morning WTF?!: Two Countries Separated By A Common Language

This one isn’t really a Sunday Morning WTF?! so much as it is just another of the infinite number of reasons to laugh at the British:







Yes, yes, I know it’s parody, but if you have ever spent any time in England watching Australian cricket (or whatever it was they were playing) at 3:30 in the morning after a long flight from the States and an 8 o’clock client meeting staring you in the face, you’ll see all the truths in this parody. Then there’s the bizarre phraseology, the weird inflections and enthusiasms, and the oddly-placed emphasis on the meaningless.

Having said all that, this guy is
way better than Joe Buck and Tim McCarver.

Wait, maybe this is a Sunday Morning WTF?!

Whiskey?! Tango?! Foxtrot?!, you English?! Now that I think about it, can’t you convince Rupert Murdoch to hire you to replace Joe Buck during this year’s World Series?! Seriously, W?! T?! F?!

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Uh Oh

Tulow’s down for 4-to-6 weeks.

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The Most Useless Website On The Internet, Part 7

Patience is a virtue. Or so they say.

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The Most Useless Website On The Internet, Part 6

Cat bounce! Toss ‘em, bounce ‘em, throw ‘em.

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Bill Haverchuck, Ladies!

How long can you funk out to Bill Haverchuck? The ol’ boy’s been going for 264 seconds and I’m about to click “Publish.” Can you beat that?

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Hittin' The Air, Bright And Early

Hitting the air, bright and early, so we don’t have a lot to say, but we do have this video to share:



Did you catch it? That train horn sound isn’t for the home run. It’s for the doofus who steamrolled over the kid while going for the ball. What a dip.

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We May Or May Not Be Going Dark, Part 4

After posting stats and standings tomorrow, we may or may not be going dark again until Friday morning, depending on the price Super8 Motel charges for WiFi and on whether or not the disk defrag I started four days ago on my Tandy 9000 laptop finally finishes. Watch this space for more news. Or not.

In the meantime, here’s a
very, very cool article about how the Arizona Diamondbacks drafted a former Arizona State player they are pretty certain won’t make the team. We have given the MLB, MLB players, and MLB owners a lot of grief over the seasons for a slew of reasons, but the D-Backs deserve a slew of props for this class move.

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Sunday Morning WTF?!: More Than Aftermath

It was staring us right in the face. Golden Sombrero’s owner Brandon Olivarria had written a boffo blog post detailing the events surrounding No Greinke My Wankee owner Peyton Olivarria graduation and he titled it “Aftermath.” After he sent it to us, we cleaned it up a little, added the pictures, and posted it for all to see. A day later, we found ourselves saying Whiskey?! Tango?! Foxtrot?! Here’s why:

It was a blog post about
graduation. It was titled “Aftermath!” Had we for one extra second thought it through, we would have changed the title to “AfterBiology! AfterPE! AfterHomeEc! AfterMath!” Sometimes our wits are dimmer than other times. Whiskey?! Tango?! Foxtrot?!, us! We couldn’t put the clever on for a boffo blog post?! Seriously, W?! T?! F?!

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The Indians Story That Must Be Told

chiefwahoo

Never mind that my streaky Cleveland Indians have won three games in the last ten, after a pretty good streak or two before that, after a horrendous start. Never mind that they are still in second place in the American League Central Division. Never mind all that. You can even never mind that Tribe closer Chris Perez has been busted for having 6.2 ounces of marijuana delivered to his house. The story must be told? The two packages of pot that were delivered to the Perez house were sent not to Chris Perez or his wife Melanie but instead to Brody Baum, who happens to be the Perez dog.

tumblr_m5l58ixGvX1qb2nryo1_500
Brody Baum

Chris and Melanie were released on their own recognizance. Brody Baum was not arrested. And there appears to be no truth to the rumor that Brody is now demanding that you call him “Snoop.”

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America Rejoices

Tip of the ballcap to Kershawshank Redemption owner Joe Kelley (via Facebook) for expressing this sentiment so perfectly.

America Rejoices

While we suppose the sentiment isn’t shared by all Americans--there might be Kings fans in the world, who knows? and I’ve heard rumors that the Heat have a couple of fans amongst the populous--this American is definitely rejoicing.

Now, San Antonio, don’t fold like the Bulls and Pacers before you. Get this foxtrotter done, okay?

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Baseball Question: Adjusting Batting Gloves Is Totally Oedipal

Tip of the ballcap to Chente owner Vince Livernois (via Facebook), who posed this question: “Does anyone know why a batting glove needs to be adjusted after every pitch? Even if a batter doesn't swing they are adjusting their glove. I'll be annoyed until I know. If it's a nervous quirk I'll be even more annoyed.” Tip of the ballcap to The Heart is a Lonely Hunter Pence owner Joe Livernois for the best response … and for a worthy follow-up question.

Baseball Question

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Time To Plug In the Trade-O-Matic 3000

Ryan Bruan is on nearly 40 SLPL team rosters, which makes this news almost heartbreaking. We say “almost,” of course, because we actually love it when the SLPL Pot grows and grows and grows so that our payouts to winners grow and grow and grow. To illustrate what this might mean to our Pot, four owners in the last two days have dropped Braun on mere suspicion that he might be suspended. That’s 40 clams to our Pot, which means 40 clams to our eventual winners. If he goes down for 100 games, the Pot should grow ginormously.

Even if you’re not spooked by the potential of Braun being suspended, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t plug in the trusty
Trade-O-Matric 3000. Why? Do you have Matt Kemp? He’s on the DL. Bryce Harper? DL. Giancarlo Stanton? DL. David Price? DL. C’mon, already. Get off the schnied and drop the deadweight already! You need to put yourself in position before you can expect to scrape any clams out of the championship barrel, ya know?

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Aftermath!

Note as of 11:38 am on 6/4: Stats and standings for last night’s games have now been updated. I am sill having PC problems, but I used my trusty backup.

Well, the weekend started Thursday night with a late night flight from Austin, TX into SFO. The joy of No Greinke My Wankee owner
Miss Peyton Markie Olivarria walking the line was the main reason for the trip. However … the weekend ended up being one of those weekends we will be talking about every time we all get together. Nothing can take away from Peyton's accomplishment, but WOW!

Friday: Peyton's Big Day!
Friday went off without a hitch … if you were part of another family, but our family, well, not so much. The running around and the last minute preparations for Saturday’s party created a long morning. Then, at the graduation itself, having to sit through 350-plus horribly butchered names, the sunburns, and the horrible last-minute speeches made it all worth finally hearing the name we were all there to hear: “Peyton. Markie. Olivarria!” Echo throughout the PIT!

Peyton
“Peyton. Markie. Olivarria!” Cue the Pit!

Saturday: Party!
Saturday started with all the guys strategically planning a round of golf while the ladies stayed home and put on all the finishing touches. The party began around 5 pm with family and friends coming to congratulate Peyton. What would go down in a few short hours miss Cleo couldn't have predicted. THE DANCE OFF!!! Star of this would have been -- drum roll, please … Hamiltoes owner TYLER SHADDY! The breakdancing moves this white kid was putting down took me back to the movie Beat Street! All that was missing was the Super Fly Adidas track suit.


This video isn’t sideways. That’s just how Tyler dances.

After Tyler finished wiping the floor with his horrible dance moves, the party continued in the backyard. At this point, the (in)famous GOLDEN SOMBRERO was retrieved from the wall of trophies! It was only fitting I represent my 29th place team with some good luck! Kempin' It Real! owner Kyle Harmon refused to wear it for reasons we do not speak of. Okay, we’ll speak of them: He said he did not want to jinx Chris Davis, the only reason Kempin' It Real! is currently in the Top 10.

Golden Sombrero

The end of the night ends in walk-off fashion! Or, for our non baseball fans, homicide. One of our beloved family members, who we have been trying to persuade to join our wonderful league, Dan the Pirate, decided he was calling it a night. Boy did he. Dan did his best to audition for an upcoming role in Law and Order SVU. So we did our best Stabler and Benson impressions.

The Pirate
Dan the Pirate. Calling It A Night.

Like I said at the beginning, a weekend that will continue to be talked about for a long time!

But let us not forget the real reason we were all able to come together: Peyton's graduation. Congrats, Peyton, you have made all of us so proud! Once a cowboy always a cowboy!

Editor’s Note: How is it possible that the Livernoises and Klinkhamers haven’t ended up at the same party as the Olivarrias? Or would that rip the space-time continuum and bring the planet to screeching halt?

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Don't Let Me Down

Golden Sombrero’s owner Brandon Olivarria (@BrandonO831) was supposed to send us here at the SLPL blog a full account of No Greinke My Wankee owner Peyton Olivarria’s graduation celebration this weekend. Unfortunately, as things tend to when the Olivarrias and Company get together to celebrate such events, things got a little out of hand and he was unable to send his report in time for today’s post. We did, however, receive this photo from Kempin' It Real! owner Kyle Harmon (@chacharmon23), which shows Brandon in his quite literal golden sombrero and making his patented “punching-monsters-in-the-gonads” pose:

Punching Up
Brandon’s “Punching-Mosters-In-Gonads” Pose
(Click to enlargenate.)


So today we hope that Brandon can get us his report so that we can post it tomorrow. C’mon, Brandon, don’t let me down.


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Sunday Morning WTF?!: Fractally-Wrong "Parenting" Approach

I put a collar and a long leash on my dog Fred every day before we go for a walk. It works well for both of us. He gets to traverse the neighborhood to smell smells, pee pee, Sierra Sierra, chase squirrels or rabbits, say hello to the neighbor kids, that sort of thing. Meanwhile, by having him on a leash I can stop him from running in front of cars and trucks, prevent him from actually catching the squirrels and rabbits, keep him from running away for good, that sort of thing. That’s the way the man-dog relationship is supposed to go. Fred does doggy things; I do doggy ownership things to make sure he doesn’t get killed, doesn’t kill, or doesn’t get lost.

With all that in mind, how in ever-loving Foxtrot does one go about explaining this:

Bad Parenting


Whiskey?! Tango?! Foxtrot?!, Sierra-y parent?! That’s a child. A human child. An apparently functioning human child. With a collar and leash?! On a bike? On a bike with a collar and leash, which you are holding. There’s nothing about this that’s correct or effective at any level. This isn’t just wrong; it’s fractally wrong, wrongness at every conceivable scale of resolution. How is this sad excuse of a parent not only allowed to bring human life into the world, but also allowed to “care” for said human life? W?! T?! F?!

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Trying Out New Comments System

When the maker of our last commenting plugin decided to discontinue the plugin, we thought things over and decided to unplug the ability to comment on the website. While every season we’d get a handful of awesome comments, it was never really active. We thought we made the right choice, but in the last week two people have complained about not being able to comment on a blog post. So we have decided to search around and find another system.

The one we found may or not be optimal, from what I can see. But we’re going to plug it in for now, just to see if the electricity is working, and we’ll try to improve how it’s integrated once we learn how it really works.

Updated: It looks as though it’s working. You can leave a comment on this here post right below. Be nice (mostly). Since we have kids in this league, don’t cuss (too much).

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