Santa Lechuga Power League:

The Best Damn Fantasy Baseball League In the Universe! (Yes. Universe.)

Jul 2013

Hey Kid!

The world can be a cruel place.

NcsOrOS


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Well, Because It Just Sounds Good

Tip of the ball cap to Chente owner Vince Livernois, who suggests you just turn up the volume. Thanks, Vince!

But I can’t help but to go meta here. If you still have Ryan Braun or
Albert Pujols on your roster, this is what you’re doing:



Update: It appears that while I was going meta, JJ Cale was literally going down, as in six feet under. Ah, hell.


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Nominee For Best DL Excuse Of The Season; Also, We May Be Going Dark

This story comes to us by way of The Heart Is A Lonely Hunter Pence owner Joe Livernois, who nominates this for a Monday Morning WTF?!, ‘cause some things can’t wait until Sunday. Jay nominates this for “Nominee for best DL excuse of the season …”

We looked a little deeper and discovered this interview with the injured shortstop, who appears to have been just following orders not to move as the skydivers were plowing feet-first into their faces:



So, there’s our next nominee for best DL excuse of the season. Thanks, Jay!

Meanwhile, in other news, we may or may not be going dark until Friday morning depending on whether the 8 baud modem on my Amiga 1000 can connect to the Internet from the unfortunately named Servicio de Hosteleria Industrial de Terrassa hotel in Flushing, NY, near LaGuardia and whether Norton Utilities can remove the 47 Trojan horses it’s been trying to remove since February. Watch this space for more news. Or not.

S.H.I.T.


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Sunday Morning WTF?! A Song For Me Without A Guitar Solo

Yo, Los Askis, if you’re going to write a song about me, throw in an electric guitar solo or two, would you?



Whiskey?! Tango?! Foxtrot?!, Los Askis?!?! I know you’re trying to honor our time together in that Tijuana prison, but at no time did I ever say that I enjoyed wood flutes. In fact, I was very explicit about wooden wind instruments making me want to extract my eyeballs with Wolverine’s claws. Where’s the electric guitar?! The fuzz box?! The solo?! Seriously, W?! T?! F?!


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It's All In The Packaging: Charlatan Street Fighters

We here at the SLPL Blog detest -- a.k.a., abhor! despise! execrate! -- charlatans like those shown in this video. We do love this video, though, because it makes fun of the charlatans, those opportunistic, scum-sucking swindlers who fleece ignorant, hurting, and/or desperate people. Round 1, fight!



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I Thought Peanut Butter Knuckles Was A Candy Bar

Why isn’t this on every grocery store shelf for every jarred product at this very moment? This must exist and be ubiquitous within a year or we are going to have to declare capitalism a complete and total failure.



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Cat Reacts To Owner Coming Home After Six Months

You think watching dogs react to veterans coming home from war is fun and heart tugging? You haven’t seen anything yet.



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One Wise Team Drops Ryan Braun, Scumbag

On news of the suspension of Ryan Braun, Scumbag, only one team dropped him. Joe Livernois, owner of The Heart is a Lonely Hunter Pence, did the deed that needed to be done, explaining: “Because Braun is an a**hole. Also, he's been suspended. I expect (Chris) Davis will be the only Oriole who succumbs in the team bus fire, which should happen any day now, which is still better than keeping a suspended a**hole who is willing to throw everyone else under the bus.”

Why are
you keeping Braun on your roster?

Update: Current league leader Paul Martin, owner of Cabbage Farmers, passed this along this morning with the note, “Tony, I saw your post on the website. I don't know if you remember his denial but check it out. What a piece of sh*t!”



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30 Teams Still Have Ryan Braun, Scumbag, Even Though He Will Score Exactly Zero Points Between Now And The End Of The Season

You still have Ryan Braun on your team? What, have you really already conceded the season? There’s nearly a full half yet to play!


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Why Lettuce Keeps Making Us Sick

I still haven’t had the heart to read this article. The title alone makes me sick to my stomach.


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Sunday Morning WTF?! Local News Has Never Been So Dramatic

I’ll just leave this right here for future generations to see. To ponder. To analyze.



Whiskey?! Tango?! Foxtrot?!, WITI in Milwaukee?!?! Seriously, W?! T?! F?!


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Trades Now Cost $15

15-buck

The $10 Trade is dead. Trades now cost $15. That is all.

Wait! That’s not all! There were
few trades during the All-Star break, which means owners are pretty satisfied with how their rosters look. Or that they have already conceded the season. The downside is that the Pot didn’t grow that much. The upside is that those who are competitive will spend the remainder of the season paying extra for their trades … and will have to keep a close eye on things to make sure they don’t lose ground in the standings and really muck things up. I think it’s gonna be a fun second half!


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You Know The Drill

10-buck-trades

Ten dollar trades, blah, blah, blah. Will be $15 after first pitch of first game today, blah, blah, blah. Use the trust-dusty trade form, blah, blah, blah. Make and investment in your team that could earn you hundreds of dollars in winnings, blah, blah, blah. Getchyer trades in fast-like, blah, blah, blah.


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Livernois Blows Winnings On Tequila; $10 Trade Nearly Extinct

10-buck-trades

Word on the street is that Joe Livernois, owner of 2013 All-Star Championship-winning The Heart is a Lonely Hunter Pence, has blown the entirety of his $125 winnings on crates and crates of the cheapest, most vile-tasting tequila known to mankind ... and that he has already consumed the first crate’s-worth to celebrate his victory.

And with that, the SLPL moves into the second half of the Regular Season, which means
the $10 trade is about to go away only to be replaced by slightly more expensive $15 trade. You can make your final $10 trades between now and the first pitch of Friday's first game, which is schedule for 7:05 pm Eastern time. Remember, though, if you wait until Friday to make a trade, it will not go into effect until Saturday.

So, get
to checking which of the deadweight you want to remove from your rosters and replace with better, more productive players.

Congratulations again to our 2013 All-Star Champ, Jay!


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So. Well. There Was That, I Suppose. Oh, Yeah, Congrats, Joe Livernois, the 2013 All-Star Champ!

2013_MLB_All-Star_Game_Logo

I had this vision all day that The Heart is a Lonely Hunter Pence owner Joe Livernois would be chewing finger and toe nails all night while bombs were hit left and right, strikeouts were accrued by pitchers front and center, and his massive lead evaporated while some low-performing, no-name team leapfrogged him in dramatic fashion. “Man, wouldn’t that be cool,” I thought. “Have someone come back from 250 points down and rip the All-Star championship rug out from under him. Man, that’d be sweet.”

Don’t get me wrong. I love my brother. He’s a bitchen guy and deserves nothing but good things. But we’re running a fantasy league over here and, frankly, nothing sucks more than knowing who’s going to win something. And after his boffo performance in
last night’s Home Run Derby, and despite our best efforts to make it sound like someone not named Jay Livernois actually had a chance to win this thing, we kinda sorta knew it was a pipe dream that someone else might win this thing. But we dreamed. We fantasized. We hoped.

Nope. Didn’t happen.

For the third year in a row,
not a single hitter on an SLPL roster hit a home run, nor did a single pitcher on an SLPL roster give up a home run. Which meant, well, only two teams actually earned plus-points during the All-Star game itself. Hell, Jay himself lost 25 points during the game and was still crowned the 2013 All-Star Champ, winning by 200 points.

But, hey, yeah, wow, congratulations, Jay, for winning the All-Star Championship on the back of someone who was not even voted to be a real All-Star. Be proud, champ. You rock. Yay, team. Go. Woo-eee.

Now, on to additional league business. Ten dollar trades are on the chopping block and will end with the first pitch of the first game played Thursday. To make yourself competitive for the remainder of the season, we recommend that you spend this lull in the season to
assess your roster and decide who you want to trade and who you want to pick up. Trades go up to $15 after the All-Star Break.

Okay, back to the All-Star game. Seriously, we couldn’t be happier for Jay. Someone had to win this thing, so it may as well be the person who conceived of this funky little fantasy league way back when. All due congratulations, Jay, our first champ of the 2013 season!


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Joe Livernois' The Heart is a Lonely Hunter Pence Takes Commanding All-Star Lead

2013_MLB_All-Star_Game_Logo

Off the bat of Yoenis Cespedes -- who isn’t doing any favors during regular season, real game play with just 15 HRs -- The Heart is a Lonely Hunter Pence owner Joe Livernois took a commanding All-Star Standings lead after Monday night’s Home Run Derby. With exactly zero other teams with Cespedes, Jay’s Pence leads all other teams by 250 points going into tonight’s All-Star Game.

Remember, here’s how the remaining All-Star points are awarded:

  • During the All-Star game, hitters on your roster earn 150 points for every home run hit and lose 25 points for every K during the All-Star game.
  • During the All-Star game, pitchers on your roster earn 25 points for every K and lose 75 points for every homer surrendered during the game.

With that type of point awardage, there is no team that has been eliminated from the running yet. Having said that, I’d rather be sitting in Jay’s position with 250 points rather than looking at Jay’s backside, which is somehow his best side.

Tonight we crown the All-Star Champ.
One-hundred twenty-five clams will go to the winner. Good luck!


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All-Star Break Begins; 1st Championship Up For Grabs

As always, SLPL league head honchos are excited about and gearing up for the All-Star festivities. It will take just two days and two events -- tonight’s Home Run Derby and Tuesday’s All-Star Game -- to crown a champ and cut a check. None of this “waiting around for 162 games” stuff. None of that “playoffs” thingy. Nope. Two days. Two events. One champ. One check.

mlb-all-star-game-2013
(Photo : REUTERS/Ray Stubblebine)


Here’s how points are awarded toward the
All-Star Standings:

  • If a player on your roster wins the All-Star Home Run Derby tonight, your team picks up 250 points.
  • During the All-Star game, hitters on your roster earn 150 points for every home run hit and lose 25 points for every K during the All-Star game.
  • During the All-Star game, pitchers on your roster earn 25 points for every K and lose 75 points for every homer surrendered during the game.

If your team has the most combined points, you will be crowned the 2011 All-Star Champ and
collect at least $100 (but more likely $125, official amount to be determined when the All-Star break ends).

Remember, points earned toward the
All-Star Standings are allocated exclusively to the All-Star Standings and are not allocated to the Overall Standings.

2013_HRD_logo-630x426

First up: Tonight, the Home Run Derby!


Tomorrow night, the All-Star Game. Check the game rosters and your SLPL roster. While it’s too late right now to make trades for the Home Run Derby, you can make trades for additional All-Stars by midnight tonight so that they’re eligible for tomorrow’s All-Star game.

Standings: At-A-Glance . Overall . Division . Hitting . Pitching . All-Star . All-Star Stats . PHP . HOF . Yesterday
Pay Already! . Make A Trade . Contact Us

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Sunday Morning WTF?! That's Not How To Get Spock Ears

Uh, lady Chinese teacher who desperately tries to make children’s dreams come true, that’s not how Mister Spock got his ears to be all pointy and stuff.

Makeing Spock


Truly, to get the Spock ears so desired by this kid, you’d have to make sure he was born on the planet Vulcan. Stretching them by picking him up is not going to do it. We know. The nuns at St. Mary’s Catholic School in El Centro, CA, tried it on us.

Whiskey?! Tango?! Foxtrot?!, lady Chinese teacher?!?! When are you going to realize that there are some dreams you can’t make come true. Seriously, W?! T?! F?!

Standings: At-A-Glance . Overall . Division . Hitting . Pitching . Power-Hitting Pitching . HOF . Yesterday
Pay Already! . Make A Trade . Contact Us

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I Can Empathize

As a Cleveland Indians fan, I understand the sentiment.

AMhXQSR
Standings: At-A-Glance . Overall . Division . Hitting . Pitching . Power-Hitting Pitching . HOF . Yesterday
Pay Already! . Make A Trade . Contact Us

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All-Star Game 4 Days Away; $10 Trade Dies Soon Thereafter

2013_MLB_All-Star_Game_Logo

We are now just four days away from the 84th MLB All-Star Game, which will take place on Tuesday, July 16. This means that SLPL owners have six days to make $10 trades; $15 trades begin with the first pitch of the first game after the All-Star game, which will be on July 18th. Between now and then, you might make it a point to size up your roster against the rest of the league, figure out what dead weight you need to ditch, and pick up some new players. Oh, and did I mention that Matt Kemp is on the Disabled List? No? He is. As is Michael Morse, Yu Darvish, Josh Willhingham, Clay Buchholz, Ryan Howard, Paul Konerko, and Angel Pagan. Just saying.

If you haven’t already done so, you need check out the rules for the
SLPL’s All-Star Standings. To reiterate, this is a special little side-bet that factors in the winner of the Home Run Derby winner and home runs and strikeouts in the game itself to award the first SLPL All-Star Champ.

Standings: At-A-Glance . Overall . Division . Hitting . Pitching . Power-Hitting Pitching . HOF . Yesterday
Pay Already! . Make A Trade . Contact Us

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The Girl With The Pink Cape

I was hoping we wouldn’t go dark yesterday. I had my trusty Xerox Alto at the Resist Bacteria Hotel in New York City’s Chinatown all ready to go, but it just didn’t work for me. Everything broke down. My expectations were dashed. I couldn’t post standings and stats, nor could I post a blog entry. That makes me the girl with the pink cape:

XExkJSP
Standings: At-A-Glance . Overall . Division . Hitting . Pitching . Power-Hitting Pitching . HOF . Yesterday
Pay Already! . Make A Trade . Contact Us

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We May Or May Not Be Going Dark, Part 7

We may or may not be going dark until Thursday morning depending on whether the 24 baud modem on my Xerox Alto can make an outside call at the unfortunately-named Resist Bacteria Hotel in New York City’s Chinatown and whether the malware removal software can remove the 162 malware attacks it’s been trying to remove since April. Watch this space for more news. Or not.

Resist Bacteria Hotel
Standings: At-A-Glance . Overall . Division . Hitting . Pitching . Power-Hitting Pitching . HOF . Yesterday
Pay Already! . Make A Trade . Contact Us

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All-Star Game 8 Days Away; $10 Trade Dies Soon Thereafter

2013_MLB_All-Star_Game_Logo

We are eight days away from the 84th MLB All-Star Game, which will take place on Tuesday, July 16. This means that SLPL owners have ten days to make $10 trades; $15 trades begin with the first pitch of the first game after the All-Star game, which will be on July 18th. Between now and then, you might make it a point to size up your roster against the rest of the league, figure out what dead weight you need to ditch, and pick up some new players.

BTW, if you’re unfamiliar, you should check out the rules for the
SLPL’s All-Star Standings. It’s a special little side-bet feature of our league that factors in the Home Run Derby winner and the game itself to award the first SLPL champ of the season.

Standings: At-A-Glance . Overall . Division . Hitting . Pitching . Power-Hitting Pitching . HOF . Yesterday
Pay Already! . Make A Trade . Contact Us

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Sunday Morning WTF?! Meets The Most Useless Website On The Internet, Part 9

Someone coded this page, secured the domain name, paid for server space, uploaded the page, tested it to make sure it looked just right, and then released it into the wild.

Whiskey?! Tango?! Foxtrot?!, someone?!?! Unless it was an art project for school or something like that, you wasted a whole lot of time and effort. Seriously,
someone from Brea, CA, W?! T?! F?!

Standings: At-A-Glance . Overall . Division . Hitting . Pitching . Power-Hitting Pitching . HOF . Yesterday
Pay Already! . Make A Trade . Contact Us

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Revisiting "One, Two, Three Strikes Yer Out!"

The last we visited Bugs Bunny, it was to show the video that The Heart is a Lonely Hunter Pence owner Joe Livernois shared with us of the guy who could swing his bat like a helicopter blade. Or, as Chente owner Vince Livernois said, who could “strikeout with one pitch.” We then linked to this video of three Gas-House Gorillas batsmen striking out on one pitch:



Now watch that video again, this time paying close attention to Bugs’ wind-up and, in particular, the sound effects used as he winds up. Got it? Good.

Now, play those sound effects in your head as you
watch rhythmic gymnast Shin Soo-Ji throw out a first pitch.

Some blog entries just write themselves.

Standings: At-A-Glance . Overall . Division . Hitting . Pitching . Power-Hitting Pitching . HOF . Yesterday
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Guys, Don't Do This

Guys, don’t do this. Which is to say: Even if you’re royalty, you’re going to get caught. And you aren’t royalty.

JXPCa
Guys, Don’t Do This

Standings: At-A-Glance . Overall . Division . Hitting . Pitching . Power-Hitting Pitching . HOF . Yesterday
Pay Already! . Make A Trade . Contact Us

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Happy Independence Day! Now Read Neil Steinberg

Happy Independence Day! … and a tip of the ballcap to Babes Love Baseball once again for this cool image:

torn-baseball-american-flag
Photo courtesy of Babes Love Baseball


While you’re getting all a’ready for picnics, beer, and fireworks, why not read this blog post about why we celebrate Independence Day by league-favorite columnist Neil Steinberg? Neil’s recently had his several-times-weekly column at the Chicago Sun-Times reduced to just one per week for some perceived violation, so he’s taken to continuing his prolificness at a personal blog, where he’s writing every g-damn day. Note that he’s not just doing some dopey daily entry with a few words, a picture, and some links like the very one you’re reading right now, but he’s writing stuff even longer than a typical column. So, give today’s entry a read, then bookmark his home page for daily good reading.

Note: Neil’s blog is godawful ugly. I’m sure he’ll select a more aesthetically pleasing blog template at some point, but don’t let the lack of aesthetics drive you away from his words. Those are, as ever, excellent.

Standings: At-A-Glance . Overall . Division . Hitting . Pitching . Power-Hitting Pitching . HOF . Yesterday
Pay Already! . Make A Trade . Contact Us

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We May Or May Not Be Going Dark, Part 6

After posting stats and standings tomorrow morning, we may or may not be going dark until late Friday afternoon depending on whether or not the unfortunately-named Easy 8 Motel in Champaign, IL, has a dial-up Internet connection higher than 9.6 kbit/s and whether or not the Trojan horse program on my Acorn System 1 laptop finishes up the scan I began in May. Watch this space for more news. Or not.

Standings: At-A-Glance . Overall . Division . Hitting . Pitching . Power-Hitting Pitching . HOF . Yesterday
Pay Already! . Make A Trade . Contact Us

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A Little Hyperbolic, But He *Did* Take A Header Into the Dugout

Tip of the ballcap to Golden Sombreros owner Brandon Olivarria who (by way of text) shared this sweet link and video:



Niiiiiiiiiize. Though I think the announcer got a little hyperbolic when he described it as a “full out sprint” when the guy clearly slowed down before making his final jump into the dugout. But I suppose I can allow a little hyperbole for a guy who takes a header into the dugout.

Standings: At-A-Glance . Overall . Division . Hitting . Pitching . Power-Hitting Pitching . HOF . Yesterday
Pay Already! . Make A Trade . Contact Us

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Up and Running Again

Yeah, so, after yesterday’s nonsense, our standings and stats are up and running again. Man, what a nightmare that was. But at least we’re not a knuckleheaded knuckle dragger like this guy:

wGbiZmT


Oh, and lookie,
the All-Star Game is just a couple weeks away. Get your final $10 trades ready.

Standings: At-A-Glance . Overall . Division . Hitting . Pitching . Power-Hitting Pitching . HOF . Yesterday
Pay Already! . Make A Trade . Contact Us

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